07 September, 2012

Who buys this stuff, anyway?

Here's a list of some questionable crap I've seen in stores lately. None of them are worth a blog post by themselves, but together they make for interesting snark...

Washcloths with LOLspeak embroidery.  OMG Y R U NOT BUYING THESE?????!!!!11!

Hey, Mom & Dad! You should purchase these fine washcloths for your offspring who are on their way to college! This is exactly that kind of "internet thing" all the COOL kids are into. They'll be the envy of the dorm!

Krugmann's Krugy is probably the most bizarrely-marketed alcoholic beverage I've ever seen. It's vanilla caramel cream liqueur packaged in sperm-shaped shooters (do yourself a favor and don't think about that too hard.) They look like they're packaged for a party, but I'm at a loss to imagine what life event anyone would want to celebrate by downing a drink meant to resemble semen from a hollow plastic sperm.

I'll bet these NO HEAT Sliced Jalapenos would be awesome with NO DAIRY nacho cheese and NO CRUNCH tortilla chips. Run 'em under a NO FIRE broiler and make the best NO DELICIOUSNESS nachos you've ever not eaten.

Here's a solution in a desperate, flailing search for a problem. A Stuffing Cage. Because every turkey has a perfectly uniform oval-shaped cavity into which this thing will effortlessly glide into and out of. It would not surprise me if the "rpi" in "rpi group" was an acronym for "really pathetic idea."  As a special bonus, here's a product description from someone on Amazon selling it:

"Vuala complete meal without the hassle." Vuala complete sentence without the grammar (and that French word that Americans use to suggest magical results is spelled voilĂ . Not "vuala," or "wallah," or "wahla," or "wa la.")

Imported Parmesan cheese is expensive. Cheese whey is cheap. Since Laubscher Cheese Co. pads out their table cheese with cheap crap, the final product should be inexpensive. Surprise! The price is so close to the real thing that I can't imagine anyone buying this junk instead.



DrunkethWizerd said...

I know a guy at work who'd suck on one of those sperm shaped liquors 24/7 if given the chance. LOLz.

Dave said...

My sister's grandkid runs a saloon called "Scandals" that is pretty much straight out of the Lou Reed "Walk on the Wild Side" song. He could probably flog a lot of those spermy things to his customers.