24 September, 2011

Rob's Really Good Beverages Are Really Just So-So

So, back in June I wrote a review of Rob's Really Good Chocolate, and found it not only Really Ordinary, but also really dickish for calling itself "life changing."  In the comments, a representative of Rob's offered to send me some of their beverages to review to see if they could make me stop thinking they're douchebags for claiming that their overpriced processed food products are "life changing."  I didn't take them up on that offer - I went out and bought a selection of Rob's Really Good drinks on my own.

My selection, from left to right:  Blueberry Iced Tea, Agave Mate, Iced Tea with Lemon, and something called, I shit you not, "Drink Your Salad."

Blueberry Iced Tea  wasn't bad.  The blueberry and black tea flavors were well balanced and it was adequately sweetened. There's no actual blueberries or juice in it, though, just something called "blueberry essence" and otherwise-unnamed "natural flavors." Overall it was no better or worse than other flavored teas we've had.

Agave Mate - Stripped of their starry-eyed marketing,  mate is just another crumbled dried leaf and agave syrup is nothing more than fructose syrup made from a cactus. So it should come as no surprise that if you don't buy into all the nonsense that's been written about the ingredients,  Rob's Really Good Agave Mate tastes like Really Nothing Special Sweet Tea. 

Iced Tea with Lemon was, well, iced tea with lemon. Like the other teas, there was nothing singular or exceptional about it - if you've had Arizona or Peace Tea or home-brewed iced tea, you already know what to expect.

Okay, now it's time for the star of the show, Drink Your Salad, which is labeled as "Celery, Pear & Spinach Light Salad Drink." It sounds almost horrifying, and indeed Lynnafred took one look at it and said, "Dad, this one is right up your alley and I don't want anything to do with it."  All the way home from the store, we speculated on what it might taste like.  Celery was listed first - would it taste like an uncarbonated version of Cel-Ray soda?  Or would it be more spinachy?  Or maybe it would be like pear juice but with a strange vegetable backnote?  We opened it and took nervous, tentative sips, and found that it was a perfectly ordinary, somewhat bland, pear-flavored sugarwater that was completely lacking in any kind of vegetative character at all.

Note the added citric acid,
without which there would be
approximately 0% dv Vitamin C
And no wonder.  The primary ingredients are purified water and cane sugar.  The juices in the drink - pear juice concentrate, sweet potato juice concentrate, spinach juice concentrate, celery juice concentrate, and carrot juice concentrate - comprise less than 2% of the total blend (or about 1½ teaspoons worth per 14 ounce bottle) and are further overwhelmed by the natural pear flavor added.  Seriously:  Less than 2% veggie juices, it tastes like nothing but cheapass pear Kool-Aid, and Rob's Really Good calls it a Light Salad Drink?  That is some heavyweight marketing bullshit right there.

Just like the chocolate, these beverages are labeled "Life Changing," While I'm sure Rob's life has been changed by his company's success, the hubris and entitlement of bottling mediocrity and then elevating it to the level of, say, losing your virginity or holding your grandmother's hand through her last breath (both of which are actually life changing) still makes him a douchebag.


kim @ Foodin New England said...

I really like your brutal honesty... these drinks i will definatly steer clear of!!!

TomW said...

"Dickish"? It looks like you beat me to the dictionary. Tee hee hee.

I've now given up on Reader's Digest - You provide much more word power.


Leeanne said...

And THIS is why I love Dave's Cupboard.

Unknown said...

Got to admire the marketing person though, he's earning his money.

Arizona Alcohol Certification said...

This is the first time I've read this blog and guess what? I agree with others comments about "brutal honesty." Well it is brutal but I like the honesty you've providing your readers.