It's called "Rob's Really Good Life Changing Milk Chocolate with Crisped Brown Rice," and I would say the product name is probably about 50% bullshit.
The "Rob's" part is likely to be true. And the "Milk Chocolate" part is certainly a fact. And the rather nasty crunchy things embedded in the back of the bar do resemble rice. So that just leaves the "Really Good" and "Life Changing" parts. Okay, so it might be more like 40% bullshit.
The thing is, while the "Italian" milk chocolate in the bar is smooth and dreamy, the attempt at making a crunchy chocolate bar is rather spoiled by the brown rice. Because brown rice doesn't get all nicely light and airy and crispy when it's "crisped." No, it apparently turns into small, brittle nubbins that do nothing to add to the chocolate eating experience.
And as far as "life-changing" goes...well, that's just plain stupid. Marriage is life-changing. So is the birth of a child. Or winning the lottery. Or having a tornado crush a path through your town. But a chocolate bar? Sorry, Rob, but you're an asshole for even suggesting it.
I went to Rob's site, hoping to find that "life changing" and "really good" were code for something like "we're fair trade" or "we're trying to create better economic conditions while promoting sustainability" but, no, you're right ... it's just bull$hit.
Hi Dave, I'm sorry to hear you did not like the milk chocolate with brown rice. Rob's Really Good is trying to change the way people look at food by allowing them to not feel guilty about their treats and take the "junk" out of junk food. Rob's strives to use only the best ingredients that are both organic and fair trade certified (which is shown on the welcome page of our website.)
Rob's Really Good wants to change the lives of our consumers by giving them healthy, more delicious beverage options. We hope to change the lives of the farmers and workers too by making sure they are given fair wages and safe, suitable living conditions. We want to eliminate the guilt people feel regarding the food industry and instead leave them feeling 'really good.'
The chocolate bars are no longer in production, but we'd love to send you some of our drinks to review. If you are a chocolate fan we have a wonderful chocolate tea you might enjoy. Please send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org. We look forward to changing your mind.
[from Dave]...The "Rob's" part is likely to be true.
[from Rob's]...Rob's strives to use only...
[from Rob's]...Please send an email to email@example.com...
I hate to say it (kind of), but it looks like Rob may not exist.
Don't feel bad though - I was devastated in college when I found out Grandma's Cookies, now marketed by Frito Lay, did not involve the use of anyone's actual grandma.
Maybe "Rob's" had more marketing value than "Holly's"?
p.s. I wonder what size eggs they use...
Gotta love anthropomorphism. Those cocoa beans look so happy.
Call more people assholes to get free stuff.
Well done, Dave.
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