Would You Give Your Kids Mighty Milk?

It's always a blast to shop at places like Big Lots. Sometimes, I find discontinued items that were pretty good, and I get a last chance to stock up on them. Other times, I come across interesting but unknown items that might have been too expensive to buy in the regular store, but as a cut-rate job lot item they're not only affordable, but make a good lunch too. and sometimes, I just buy stuff for the lulz - bizarre or strange crap that I eat and write about just for laughs and because it's kind of a hobby.

Occasionally, though, I find something like Mighty Milk - it looks weird enough to be interesting, but turns out to be wretched.

Mighty Milk is sold in a brick-like four-pack of 8.5-ounce Tetra Pak containers. Each container includes a telescoping straw, but consumers may also peel off the foil seal and pour out the drink if they prefer.

I imagine what most people will prefer is to pour this swill out into the toilet.

For one thing, even though this stuff has almost nothing in common with any actual dairy product, there is nothing on the front label to indicate that Mighty Milk is anything other than some kind of flavored milk. The entire front label reads: Mighty Milk Nutritional Drink for Kids - Chocolate Shake. Sounds like some kind of fortified milk drink. The four-pack is designed so that the front label of the individual Tetra Paks face outward. Only after buying the product and reading the fine print is there any indication of the purely industrial nature of the fluid within:

Water, Caseinate, Milk Protein Isolate, Blend of Vegetable Oils (Sunflower and/or Safflower Oil, Canola Oil), Crystalline Fructose, Lecinthinated Cocoa, Maltodextrin, Vitamin Mineral Blend, MCT's, Natural and Artificial Flavors, Whey, Potassium Chloride, Soy Lecithin, Microcrystalline Cellulose, Monosodium Phosphate, Carrageenan, Sodium Hexametaphosphate, Salt, Acesulphame Potassium, Sucralose.

Wow. That's like a shopping list for the Monsanto Factory Outlet.

At the bottom of the container is the allergen warning. If I had seen this first, I might not have bothered buying it. Check it out:

ALLERGEN STATEMENT: This product contains ingredients derived from milk and soy. However this product contains no milk.

"Contains no milk." That's kind of an important detail. Why isn't it on the front label?

The package instructions say that it's "Best Served Cold" and "Shake Well Before Using." So I put the four-pack in the fridge overnight before trying some the next day. When I got ready to try it, I gave it a good shake and popped the straw through the foil.

Holy shit, this stuff is nasty. It tasted like a mixture of chocolate water, oily liquid vitamins, and rusty steel. There was a strange sort of "tingling" sensation in my mouth when I drank it that I can't really pin down or accurately describe. As I drank more from the container, it became harder to draw anything through the straw though it was obvious that there was still something in there.

I tipped the container over a cup and gave it a squeeze...and thick, gooey blobs dropped out. Clearly, just giving this stuff a shake doesn't do any good. It was disgusting.

I tried again with a new container of Mighty Milk. I gave it a thorough shake and poured it into a different cup. Just like the first time, the "Nutritional Drink" came out in a chunky flow of thin brown liquid and thick gluey clumps. I tried to stir it with a spoon, but it didn't really matter how hard or how fast I stirred, the chunks were still there - and no amount of stirring made it taste any better.

According to the Mighty Milk website, it comes in several varieties, including Root Beer Float, Go Bananas, and a couple of others. If chocolate (notorious for it's ability to cover other flavors) can't make this medicinal concoction taste palatable, I can't imagine how bad the others are.

Link:
Mighty Foodz (Yes, they really do spell it like that.)

The video below is what Mighty Milk looks like when it's plopping from the container to the cup. There's no audio, but I bet with a little imagination you can provide the proper soundtrack.