Banquet Cheesy Smothered Meat Patty Meal: One Of The Worst Frozen Meals Ever

When I first started this blog, my intention was to seek out and review bizarre, interesting, and unusual foods. As time has gone on, I've widened my focus quite a bit (what with making my own bacon, sharing recipes, and whatnot) but still, bizarre and unusual still have their appeal. A short time ago, I posted my "Holy Grail List" of weird things I'd like to try just so I can share the experience with readers.

And ever since Gregory Ng at Freezer Burns reviewed the Banquet Cheesy Smothered Meat Patty Meal (giving it a whopping half a star on a five-star scale!) that frozen comestible has been near the top of my Grail List.

It took me months to find. No stores in my area carry the complete line of Banquet frozen meals, and although there are several meals which everyone sells, the more unusual ones tend to be rotated in and out of stock. I guess that's so frequent Banquet customers (a pretty appalling concept all by itself) won't get bored with the same ol' stuff and take their business elsewhere. My persistence was finally rewarded last weekend when I found it at the ShopRite in Manchester CT.

I hardly even know where to begin with this one. For example, the term "meat patty" is pretty vague. It's not pure beef or pork and it sure doesn't taste like it either (though I'm sure there is real meat in there somewhere - I got several hard bits of ground cartilage as I was eating it.) The "meat" is wet and sticky and laden with TVP. There's some kind of weird oniony-mushroomy sort of flavor going on here, too. Reminds me of a really cheap-ass Salisbury steak. Nasty.

Nastier still is the "cheesy" sauce in which the patty is "smothered." Remember those ads in the back of comic books where you could buy novelty jokes like fake cat shit and whoopee cushions? They used to sell fake vomit made out of plastic that looked just like the sauce in the picture on the box. However horrifying (or amusing) you might find that, the reality in the serving tray is far more intense. Clotty, somewhat sour, and vaguely reminiscent of melty plastic, the sauce has a flavor that I would call "almost cheese" - it's salty, and yellow, and has kind of a shodowy milk-like background, but never really achieves true cheesehood. is sprinkled with bacon bits and spotted here and there with greasy puddles of oil.

Drowned as they are in this cheeselike morass, the bacon bits contribute little in the way of bacony goodness. Most of the flavor is lost in the orange plastic saltiness, though a certain amount of smokiness comes through.

Are there any redeeming features to this meal? The best I can say about it is the potatoes weren't disgusting (they were, when all is said and done, fairly standard prepared mashed potatoes) but I guess the entertainment value of this trainwreck of a meal was probably worth the dollar I paid for it. Besides, I can always look at it this way: I bought a portion of acceptable mashed potatoes from ConAgra for $1.00, and they threw in some kind of sticky unappealing side dish for free.

.

Heirloom Tomatoes

I'm beginning to think that when a supermarket is selling "heirloom tomatoes" the word "heirloom" is marketing code for "shaped like someone's ass."
.

Cape Cod Popcorn

The wonderful folks at Cape Cod Potato Chips recently sent a selection of their wonderful snacks to me for review. They've introduced a wide variety of new flavor chips and popcorn, and my family and I have been tasting and sharing and choosing our favorites. Today, I'm going to write about Cape Cod Popcorn.

Cape Cod is offering three varieties of popcorn: White Cheddar, Sweet Cream Butter, and Sweet & Salty. They are, quite simply, the best bagged popcorn ever. The bags are filled with big, puffy kernels of popcorn and hardly ever an unpopped kernel is found (in fact, in the three bags the family and I have polished off this week, there were no unpopped kernels at all.

White Cheddar: Delicious plump popcorn kernels, no "old maids," and no disgusting thick fake-cheese residue left behind on fingers when snacking. Cape Cod uses real cheddar cheese in their recipe with no finger-staining orange colors. Top-notch snack. Family and friends plowed through this bag so quickly I didn't even have a chance to take a picture of it!

Sweet Cream Butter: Big fluffy kernels, mouth-wateringly delicious - just the right amount of salt balanced with the barest hint of sweet, buttery with a subtle sharp edge thanks to a dash of buttermilk in the seasoning. Sweet Cream Butter instantly became my wife's favorite - she finally curled the bag closed and handed it to me saying, "Take these away from me before I eat the whole bag by myself." They really are that good - I was lucky to get this picture of the half-eaten bag before the remainder was OM NOM NOMed.

There are plenty of "butter flavored" ready-to-eat popcorns out there. None of them are as good as Cape Cod's Sweet Cream Butter flavor. Really.

Sweet & Salty: If you've ever gotten "Kettle Corn" at a country fair, you know how magical a light caramel coating on salty popcorn can be. Cape Cod has captured that flavor, bagged it, and put it in the supermarket so you can enjoy it even when the Kettle Corn guy is nowhere to be found. Light and floffy popcorn, fresh and delicious, is very lightly coated in slightly crunchy caramel coating. Halfway through the bag, Lynnafred called me on the phone: "This Sweet & Salty popcorn is amazing. Did you know there aren't any nasty unpopped bits in the bag? How do they do that?"

Obviously, it's magic.


Links:

Cape Cod Potato Chips website. Learn about the company and their products, and check out their factory tours if you're going to be on the Cape. Here's a direct link to the popcorn page.

Coming Soon: A review of Cape Cod's new potato chip flavors - look for it on Tuesday, September 15th!

.

My Grail List

 This post is no longer being updated.  To keep track of the Grail List, go to the tab bar just under the header and click on "The Grail List" for updates and current status.

I have what I call a "Grail List." It's a list of foods and/or culinary experiences (many of them bizarre) which I am endeavoring to taste or try. This list predates the start of Dave's Cupboard, so although I'll be writing about many of these items as I tick them off the list, some of them will be listed with a brief explanation but no individual blog entries. Entries in bold type are "checked off" and are moved to the bottom of the list as they are achieved.

1. Shagbark Syrup - Made from the boiled bark of the shargbark hickory tree, this syrup is available commercially at an exorbitant price from the only commercial manufacturer of the product. However, it's relatively simple to make. I am currently searching for an openly-foragable shagbark tree or two. Gathering the bark will not harm the tree - it sheds it's bark, so foraging enough for a pot of syrup will do no harm at all to the tree itself.
   
   
2. Oscar Mayer Liver Cheese - a luncheon loaf wrapped in sweet tasty lard. Actually, it doesn't even have to be Oscar Mayer if I find that another company makes it.
   
   
3. Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added. From Uruguay via Bedessee Imports. Might have to mail order this.
   
   
4. Kylmaenen Reindeer Paté
   
   
5. Sweet Sue Whole Canned Chicken
   
   
6. Balut - My local Asian supermarkets sell what they refer to as "baby chicken eggs" and "baby duck eggs." I need to find proper cooking instructions.
   
   
7. The Annual Poutine Festival in Drummondville QC (thanks, Phillis!) I love poutine. A poutine festival would b e like a visit to heaven.
   
   
8. Insects - I've eaten toasted mealworms (crunchy with a flavor vaguely reminiscent of toasted sesame seed, much more disgusting to look at than taste) and cricket. The cricket was at the center of a minty-flavored lollypop called a "Cricket Lick-It" and reminded me of a peanut and I would not describe it as "delicious," merely "okay." I'm not eager to try any large fleshy larvae or pupae, but since they're not all that different from snails, shrimp, or lobster when all's considered, I might do it anyway.
   
   
9. Blind Robin Smoked Ocean Herring - these were easy to find because a local supermarket used to carry them regularly in the seafood section, and many stores around me still have smoked herring. I found them to be very salty and very heavily smoked, so much so that they tasted more like "ashtray" than "herring." There are other smoked fish I've enjoyed more.
   
   
10. Musk Life Savers - Sweet, perfumy, and floral. If the only reference to them you're familiar with is from ignorant "worst food" lists posted to the internet by retards, you'd probably be surprised to find that Musk Life Savers aren't all that bad.
    
    
11. Banquet Cheesy Smothered Meat Patty (Reviewed 12 September 2009)
    
    
12. Tengu Clam Jerky - Delicious and rather tender morsels of semi-dried clam. Probably one of the best Asian dried fish snacks I've ever tried.
    
    
13. Canned Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Formerly made by Armour, but discontinued; it's now made by Rose, available in 5.5-ounce cans.) Done! Reviewed here.
    
    
14. KFC's Double Down sandwich: Pepper jack cheese and bacon, between two fried chicken breast fillets which serve as the "bun." This is in test markets right now - including Providence RI which is fairly close to me. I hope to find a KFC selling it soon. Done! Reviewed here.
    
    
15. Pickled Lamb's Tongue - I love these. I used to buy the jars of Rogers Brand Pickled Lambs tongue at a local supermarket, but I haven't seen them offered in years (since that particular market closed, in fact.) I've since found out that the Rogers Company went out of business a few years back; now I'm looking for a similar product.
    
    Update - 6 October 2009: Apparently, there are no companies in the US still making pickled lamb's tongue commercially. However, using a pork tongue recipe as a base, I have developed my own successful recipe for curing and pickling lamb's tongue, which you can find here.
    
    
16. Trek'n Canned Cheeseburger - From what I can find out, this is available only in Germany and Austria, and no mailorder option is available for delivery to the United States. - Done! Blogged on 10 October 2009. Short version: It sucks.
    
    
17. Banner Sausage -  Ewwww. I ate some in February 2010.

.

Who Wants Taters???

A couple weeks ago, I blundered across a well-written, funny, and undeservedly obscure blog called Who Wants Taters??? It's ostensibly a review site for B-movies - but anyone with an interest in junk food, snacks, and pop culture will feel right at home. Author Andrew Green is an entertaining writer who will easily hook you with, for example, a nostalgic essay about Little Debbie Zebra Cakes and then segue into a review of a joyfully dumbassed teen romance/zombie flick.

Seriously, though: Who Wants Taters??? is a great site that deserves a wider audience. Stop by and check it out, and pass the word along. Little Zombie Debbie would approve.

.

Free Hillshire Farm Insulated Lunch Tote

Check this out: From now until October 15 (or, as they say, "while supply lasts") you can get a free insulated lunch tote from Hillshire Farm when you buy three of their 8-ounce tubs of lunch meats. Participating supermarkets have the display set up in the refrigerated meat area near the bacon and pre-packaged cold cuts.

This is no cheap-ass bag. It's made with a heavy-duty polyester canvas exterior and a leak-resistant interior, fully insulated, and has a velcro-sealing roll top with a carry handle. And it's made by Land's End - you can find the identical item on their website in a variety of non-red colors for $10.50.

These totes, however, are cooler than the plain Land's End version because they have a Hillshire Farm logo stitched onto the front, on the bottom corner.

Hillshire Farms cold cuts are pretty good. Their Deli Select Ultra Thin Cracked Black Pepper Turkey Breast is particularly fine - a favorite of Lynnafred.

If your store doesn't have a Hillshire Farm lunch tote display, you can visit Hillshire Farm's website and print a mail-in offer form (check the link below.) Send in a cash register receipt and three proofs of purchase, and they'll send you your bitchen red Hillshire Farm luch tote.

When I say "Hillshire," you say "Farm!"
Hillshire!
Farm!
Go Meat!

Links:

Hillshire Farm's website (warning: animated graphics and obnoxious sounds & noises.)

Hillshire Farm's red lunch tote promotional page (this link will probably expire by the end of October 2009)

.

Vintage Sunday: The Wearever Chicken Bucket

About ten years ago or so, I came across a recipe online for fried chicken that was supposed to duplicate the Kentucky Fried Chicken method of pressure frying. Using a standard pressure cooker, the recipe called for heating a few inches of oil to 400 degrees F, plunging in the chicken, sealing the lid, and cooking for some amount of time. I'm deliberately being vague because the recipe was unworkable and even somewhat dangerous - the times and temperatures given in that recipe would ruin the gaskets and perhaps the emergency valves in your pressure cooker. You can find it by Googling if you really want to, but I'm not going to help you spray hot oil all over your kitchen and waste a perfectly good frying chicken.

As it happens, though, there really is a home gadget you can use to pressure fry foods - not just chicken, but whatever else you'd like. It's called the Wearever Chicken Bucket, and it was produced in the early 1970's by the Wearever Aluminum Company. The principal is the same as the dangerous recipe, but more refined and thought-out. A few inches of oil is added to the pot and brought to a temperature of 350 degrees F. The chicken - only a few pieces at a time - is added and allowed to brown in the oil for a few minutes. Finally, the lid is placed on the pot and secured with the big central knob and brace assembly, and the pressure jiggler is placed on the valve stem. A few minutes later...Fried Chicken!

When I saw the pot at a local thrift store, I knew immediately what it was, and checked to make sure all the parts were there before I bought it. It was only later (after I got it home) that I realized there were no instructions included. Luckily, a man named Tom W, in Alabama, scanned a copy of the instructions and placed them on his website a few years ago, in PDF format, for anyone to download and use. I downloaded the manual and printed it out, but haven't tried any of the recipes yet. When the weather gets a little bit cooler, I'll be more in the mood for home-fried chicken, and then I plan to give the pot a try.

Links:

Tom W's Wearever Chicken Bucket instruction and recipe booklet.

Tom's old webpage (no longer updated, but still online) where the booklet resides, along with a story about how he got involved with pressure-fried chicken and the trials and errors of getting it just right.

Tom's latest blog, Adventures of a Curious Fellow.

Yes, I am giving Tom W quite a few links here. It's because he's made it possible for me to use my pressure fryer without having to worry (too much) about killing myself in a shower of molten poressure cookers and scalding oil. And also because his blogs make him sound like a pretty cool guy.

Bay View Pickled Pork Hocks

Did you ever have a product that you really liked and enjoyed for years, and then suddenly one day you found a different brand of that product that was so much better you wondered how you could have been so hooked on the first one for so long?

That happened to me yesterday.

Just last week, I wrote about Hormel Pickled Pork Hocks and Pork Tidbits and how I still liked them even if they weren't quite as good as I remembered. But then yesterday, on a shelf above the meat case at the local P-Chops*, I found jars of Bay View Brand Pickled, Cured Pork Hocks. They were so...beautiful! Packed in a clear brine and not a cloudy greasy slurry, no huge masses of stringy fat but still ringed with delicious toothsome strips of soft-cooked pork skin. And so much meat! Hormel must scrape the bottom of the barrel for their pickled hocks, but Bay View obviously carefully chooses what goes into their jars. And finally: although Hormel's brine is straight vinegar, Bay View's is a mild water/vinegar brine.

The idea of pickled pork hocks in a jar still makes my wife shudder and my daughter gag, but they have much less reason to than they once did. Goodbye, Hormel. Hello, Bay View.

Link:

Bayview Packing and Lakeside Foods - the manufacturer's website. They put up an amazing assortment of pickled meats and more - and if you love these old-fashioned treats as much as I do, but can't find them anywhere - they ship direct! This is reason #1337 why I love the internet.



* - Price Chopper. Thanks, Mr. Dave.

Fishy Delights 24: "Gourmet" Canned Tuna vs. Standard Canned Tuna: Worth The Price?

After being disgusted by lesser grades of tuna, I made up my mind to only buy Solid White Albacore canned tuna. Even that's not as good as it used to be, but it's still acceptable for most uses.

Anyway, on a recent shopping trip, a tuna brand I hadn't noticed before caught my eye: Henry & Lisa's Natural Seafood Solid White Albacore Tuna. It jumped out at me for a couple of reasons: It's in a big six-ounce can, and it was about $8.00. Eight bucks is a lot for a can of fish.

As it turns out, that eight bucks pays for a big backstory. Henry and Lisa Lovejoy are the human faces for EcoFish, a seafood company which takes environmental responsibility, sustainable fisheries, and support for small family fishermen very seriously. Henry and Lisa founded EcoFish in 1999, and have been growing ever since, showing that a company that does good can also do well.

And yet...I can buy Chicken of the Sea for a dollar a can on sale. EcoFish's tuna is out of the price range for a lot of people who, feeling the economy squeeze their budgets, need to feed a family inexpensively with a batch of Tuna Wiggle. So how well does Henry & Lisa's "sashimi grade" canned tuna stack up?

First of all, I'm really skeptical about the "sashimi grade" claim. It might very well be sashimi-grade when the tuna is carved, but after being stuffed into a can and processed, it's just another block of cooked fish.

But what a nice block of cooked fish indeed. Firm and delicious and - unlike most canned tuna - not swimming in a huge water bath, because Henry & Lisa's albacore is packed only with the natural juices and oils in the piece of fish itself.

The tuna looks quite gorgeous unmolded onto a plate, holding its shape well and showing off its attractive golden-brown glow. I pulled a chunk of it loose for the photo to show how nicely it flakes. Visible quality indeed.

The Chicken Of The Sea solid white albacore, in contrast, wasn't nearly as appetizing. True, it isn't the foul sludge that first turned me against "chunk" tuna of any kind, but it doesn't come out of the can nearly as nicely as the Henry & Lisa brand. The Chicken of the Sea tuna needs to be well-drained before using. It's a dirty little secret of the packers that the drained weight of fish in a "five-ounce" can of tuna is a little over 3¼ ounces these days - so if you had a sneaking suspicion you needed more cans to make tuna salad sandwiches for the family than you used to, you were probably right.

But for all the differences, once the tuna is finely flaked, tossed with minced onion and celery, seasoned as you like it, and dressed with mayonnaise, the flavor is identical. Seriously. In a blind tasting, no one I asked could tell the two tuna salads apart. And even given that you might need two cans of Chicken of the Sea to equal the amount of fish in one can of Henry & Lisa's, that's still a six dollar difference in price for no noticeable difference in flavor or quality.

There are times, of course, when the beautiful presentation of a perfectly cylindrical canned tuna filet is important. But I think most of us are just trying to feed our families on a budget. EcoFish has noble goals, and I admire and support them when I can (they have quite a line of products.) But I don't know if I can often afford eight dollars for a can of tuna.

Link:

EcoFish's website. Learn about the company's history, their corporate philosophy, products, where to buy their stuff, and more.

.

Dollar Store Nightmares: La Sierra Beans

So, how long has it been since La Sierra put the brand new picture of the Cheese-Flavored Refried Beans on the front label of the can? A few months? A year? I don't know, and you don't either. That's right, we never noticed.

That must have really torqued the Art Department at La Sierra. All those long days in the studio, arranging and rearranging those messy damned mashed beans, taking photo after photo, having to smell the bean essence as the leguminous proteins sweated under the hot studio lights - and for what? No one ever pays attention to the picture anyway.

Well, everyone's gonna notice it this time. Because La Sierra added a banner to the front of the can: NEW IMAGE!

Take that, you oblivious dunderheads!

.