Jones Bacon Soda Holiday Pack

Photo by Jones Soda Co.

It's become a tradition of the Jones Soda Company to introduce special flavors for the holiday season.  Often, these flavors are not only unique but uniquely unpalatable, such as 2005's "Brussels Sprouts" variety (it tasted like Alka-Seltzer dissolved in the pot liquor from boiled cabbage - I could barely take a single swallow without gagging.)

This year, Jones teamed up with J&D's, the maker of Bacon Salt, to produce a supposedly bacon-flavored soda to be packaged in a holiday presentation along with three other J&D products: microwave popcorn, lip balm, and powdered gravy mix, all of them "bacon" flavored.

As soon as I heard of this holiday pack, I hopped onto Jones' website and ordered one.  It arrived yesterday, and the family and I did some sampling.  It should come as no surprise that not a single one of these products really tastes like bacon.  Most of them don't even come close.

This shouldn't have surprised me.  Despite J&D's quite successful marketing campaign,  their flagship product Bacon Salt doesn't taste anything like bacon either.  It simply tastes like smoke-flavor seasoned salt - which it is - with an extremely catchy and well-thought-out name.  Bacon Salt, and other J&D's smoke-flavored products, owe their existence and their sales to the Internet Bacon Meme,.  They never would have become such a success on the basis of their flavor alone.   And speaking of flavors:

Jones Bacon Flavor Soda - Singularly nasty.  It tastes like sweetened, carbonated liquid smoke with absolutely none of the subtle, complex flavor notes found in actual bacon.  Really vomitous. And yet, the horrid and gag-inducing taste is just the beginning.

Much as the way the smell of cigarette smoke clings to hair and clothing, the rank and somewhat stale smoke flavoring of the soda clings to the mouth and throat for hours after only a single swallow.  Not even brushing my teeth and taking a swig of Listerine could completely eliminate it.

The microwave popcorn was similarly unsuccessful. I have to admit that it smelled delicious as it popped - so good, in fact, that I actually held a faint hope that it wouldn't be too bad.  Alas, this was not to be.  The predominant flavor was - can you guess? - smoke, along with a subtle and sour dairy-like component that I suppose from the label ("Cheddar Bacon Pop") was meant to be cheese but came across mostly as reminiscent of baby puke.  To the manufacturer's credit, however, the popping oil was fairly high-quality and didn't coat my mouth like some other brands do.

I don't use lip balm, so I gave it to Lynnafred to try out.  She sniffed at it suspiciously and gave it a try, but was wiping it off in a few minutes.  She compared it to rubbing her lips with Vaseline that had been swirled around in an ashtray.

Last - and least, for all I care - is the "Bacon Gravy."   It's one of those dry-mix packets that you add to water and simmer for a few minutes.  There are a couple "country gravy" mixes like this that aren't too bad, but Bacon Gravy doesn't qualify.  At the risk of sounding like a broken record:  Not bacony.  Smoky.  Salty.  Artificial-tasting.  It's easy to make real bacon gravy from pan drippings if that's what you want.  When you're done frying bacon, pour off all but a tablespoon or so of the fat.  Blend in a couple of tablespoons of flour with the fat and drippings in the pan over low heat, and let it cook for a few minutes to eliminate the "raw flour" taste.  Then add a cup of milk, turn up the heat to medium and stir while the gravy thickens.  Taste and add seasonings to your liking, and you have real bacon gravy - that will taste like real bacon and not some shitty mix - in only a couple of minutes longer than the mix will take.

Let's just face some facts here, okay?  Bacon - real honest pigmeat bacon - is the product of an amazing process by which pork, curing, and smoke combine to create something far more than the sum of its parts.  The hunger for cured and smoked pork almost seems hardwired into our genetic makeup - bacon is such a sought-after flavor that people whose most deeply-held beliefs forbid them from eating it drive them to create substitutions and imitations of it.  It's completely understandable to me why someone would try to place that flavor into other products in an attempt to spread the joy.

The problem is this:  Every one of the many, many "bacon-flavored" products I've tasted relies on one specific characteristic of bacon for it's primary flavor component:  Smoke.  And that's a big problem, because  bacon doesn't taste like smoke alone.  Bacon has a complex flavor profile of which smoke is simply one component.  There's salt, and various sugars, and rich meaty pork, and other almost subliminal notes  which come from aromatics used in the brine or which result from curing, like lactose.  There simply is no way - short of adding bacon itself to a dish - that anyone is going to get a true and decent bacon "flavor" from salt, smoke, maltodextrin, and autolyzed yeast extract.

As of right now, I'm done with the fake bacon crap.  I'm not buying any more of it, and I'm not reviewing any more of it either unless a manufacturer or public relations firm spends their own coin to treat me to a sample.  And they've got to make a product that's a hell of a lot better than the usual junk if they expect a thumbs-up from me.

ALDI's Kirkwood Brand Frozen Fried Chicken

There are some products which I buy with the full knowledge that they aren't as good as most of the alternatives.  But I buy them anyway because of expedience, or price, or simply nostalgia because my mom used to get the stuff when I was a kid and they bring back fond memories.

Frozen fried chicken is like that, and when I buy it - which is very occasionally - it usually qualifies on all three points.  It's drop-dead easy to prepare (just chuck it in the oven for 45 minutes); it's cheap (under five bucks a box - sometimes well under if you're shopping a no-frills place like Save-A-Lot); and it's nostalgic for me because when I was a lad growing up in a somewhat poor household, frozen fried chicken was one of the cheapest easy-to-make things an 11-year-old could prepare with few cooking skills, so it was a regular item. (Mom worked nights and I babysat my younger sibs; I learned to cook as time went on because I was tired of living on frozen box food.)

Anyway, it was a raw and rainy night last night when I stopped at ALDI on my way home from work, and I was having a peculiar jones for cheap fried chicken.   A box of the frozen stuff would be just the thing, because I could take the chill off the kitchen by running the oven for awhile.  So I picked up one each of ALDI's Kirkwood Brand Original and Southern Style "Crispy Chicken."

The chicken performed exactly to specifications, which is to say that it wasn't excellent but it was acceptable and satisfying in a way that reminded me of sitting at the kitchen table doing my homework while the smell of oven-fried chicken filled the room.  

Objectively, though, I have to admit that it's pretty mediocre stuff.  The chicken is a little on the dry side, especially in the spots where the coating has come off at the factory and the meat has kind of dehydrated into a sort of fried chicken jerky.  There isn't much of a flavor difference between the two varieties, either.  The "Southern Style" has a lot of black pepper in the coating, while the "Original" doesn't.  On the other hand, each box contains six honest pieces of chicken - two drumsticks, two thighs, and two portions of split breast - and by "honest" I mean that they don't try to pass off a chunk of backbone with some spindly ribs hanging off it as "white meat."  Unfortunately, they also leave out the wings these days.  Back in the days before wings became a popular bar food, wings were plentiful in boxed chicken packs like these.  Now, however, wings are hugely profitable for processors so they're saved out for specialty products.

When all is said and done, I would probably buy ALDI's house brand of chicken again.  It was OK, and there really wasn't all that much difference between Kirkwood and ConAgra's Banquet frozen fried chicken.  No surprise there, either:  when I checked the USDA seal on the Kirkwood box, I found that the chicken had been prepared and packaged by Est. P-7131.  ConAgra Foods.

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Archway's Incredible Holiday Cookies

On Friday - totally unannounced and out of the blue - a package arrived on the front porch.  I wasn't expecting anything, so imagine my surprise and delight to find that it was filled with samples of Archway's new holiday cookies!

As awesome as the people at Archway are for sending them, these new cookies are even more awesome.  Just in time for the holidays, they've gone and made a special line of cookies that are delicious enough to serve to guests.  Many of the labels say "just like homemade."  I know you've heard that before, but in this case it's true - the cookies are indeed just like homemade.  Let's try them out one by one, shall we?

Snow Tops are chocolate cookies with walnuts topped with a royal-icing-like frosting glaze.  They're as rich and chewy as fudge, bursting with chocolatey goodness with just the right amount of chopped walnuts baked in.  These quickly became a favorite here.

Archway's Pfeffernusse are a delicious variation of the German Christmas favorite.  Cloves and cinnamon are prominent in the cookie, which is just slightly soft and chewy and rolled in powdered sugar.

If you're a fan of Archway cookies at all, you'll remember their Cashew Nougat cookies.  A few years ago when the company was in dire straits, Cashew Nougats were discontinued.  But they're one of Archway's most beloved and fondly remembered product, and even the quickest of Google searches will turn up dozens of recipes attempting to duplicate them.

No need now, though - Archway has brought them back, and they are every bit as delicious now as they were back in the day.  Sweet just a bit brittle, they melt in your mouth.  The cashews are the perfect compliment to the nougat and the nuts' hint of saltiness makes the sweet cookies even more delectable. 

If your holiday traditions included a few packages of Cashew Nougats, you are not going to be disappointed.  And if your holiday traditions don't include them, it's a great time to start!

Wedding Cake cookies are a time-honored tradition in our family.  Ever since she was a wee lass of four summers, Lynnafred has spent time with her Nonnie (my mom) making Wedding Cakes just before Christmas.  It was an inexpensive way for Lynnafred to give everyone in the family a delicious Christmas treat, and it got her involved in the kitchen early on.  

We still make wedding cakes, but this year they'll be joined by Archway's Wedding Cake cookies.  Sweet and walnutty and delicious, they're another melt-in-your mouth delight.

Candy Cane cookies are another new addition to Archway's holiday lineup.  They're semisoft shortbread cookies, studded with peppermint morsels and drizzled with icing glaze.  They're cool and sweet and minty and taste like an eight-year-old's dream of Christmas morning, as painted by Norman Rockwell, with full stockings hanging from the mantle and candy canes hooked on the branches of the Christmas tree.

If I were expecting a visit from Santa Claus this year, these are the cookies I'd put on the plate for him.  After all,  I presume they're made with Essence of Kid's Christmas, which isn't actually on the label unless of course it's classified as a "natural flavor."

Even with all the other delicious offerings, the holidays just wouldn't be the same without gingerbread.  Archway's Iced Gingerbread cookies are soft and tender and fun to eat.  Yes, the icing has something to do with it, but then there are the red and green sprinkles studding the icing.  You can never go wrong with gingerbread.  Or icing.  Or sprinkles.  Especially sprinkles.

Last, but by no means least, are Archway's Holiday Gingerbread Man cookies.  They're very similar to gingersnaps, but in the form of happy little gingerbread men seemingly rapturous with the thought of being dipped into coffee and munched.

For more information about any of these cookies, visit Archway's website.  It includes a store locator you can use to find a retailer near you carrying them, so you can experience the awesomeness for yourself.

Thanksgiving Turkey: To Brine or Not to Brine?

Thanksgiving Day is a couple of weeks away, and food writers everywhere - newspapers, magazines, blogs, TV and radio - are passing along their "essential tips" for making the perfect roasted turkey.  Over the past few years, it seems like the most common piece of advice everyone gives is:  Brine The Turkey!

Brining, as everyone from Alton Brown to About-dot-com will tell you, helps a roasted turkey stay juicy and delicious.  The salt in the brine causes the meat to absorb water (and any flavorings you may have added) while partially breaking down proteins in the meat.  With more water in the bird to start with, the meat can lose moisture during the long cooking time without becoming dry or stringy.

For the past ten or twelve years, my family has sat down to a turkey dinner featuring delicious smoked turkey.  I use a hot smoking process, keeping the smoker at about 250 degrees F over pleasant fruitwood smoke (apple or citrus) until a meat thermometer inserted in the thickest part of the thigh reaches about 160 degrees F or even a little less.  (That whole 180-degree thing?  Yeah, that's  a holdover from the "Let's Cook The Living Shit Out Of Everything We Eat" culinary school of the early 20th century, and it's way too high a temp  if you don't want severely overdone bird.)

Generally, I brine everything that goes into the smoker.  Brining is a great method for curing pork cuts, bacon, tongues, corned beef, and so on, and there's no doubt that meats held over the heat for a long time don't dry out if they're tanked up with water to begin with.  The first few turkeys I smoked were brined.

And then one Thanksgiving, in the hectic swirl of preparations, I forgot to brine the damn bird.  I didn't realize it until I actually went into the fridge to fetch the turkey and put it into the smoker.  There was no help for it - the turkey had to go in right then to be on time for our dinner guests and there was no time for the luxury of a soak in a seasoned saltwater bath.

The turkey came out perfect nonetheless, and I think I know why.

First, I held the smoker at a low temperature, and I kept a pan of water just over the heat source.  The "moist heat" environment kept the bird from losing too much moisture over the 5-hour-or-so cooking time.

Second - and this is probably equally important - the turkey was "pre-brined" by the processor.  Take a look at the label of most supermarket turkeys and you'll find a statement in very fine print that tells you that the turkey "contains up to n% solution" with n varying depending on the brand.  Really, if the processor is already adding a brine to the turkey before it gets to the store, there isn't much point to me adding additional brining to it.

Since then, if I'm smoking a commercially processed turkey for Thanksgiving dinner, I don't bother with the brine.  I still brine it if I'm using a free-range or backyard flock bird.  But my advice to you is read the labels carefully.  The label will always note if the bird has an added solution or if there is a percentage of retained water from processing (and you should know that even some poultry labeled "minimally processed" can still contain retained water.

Benton's Best Maple Leaf Cream Cookies

Another quick review, this time for another ALDI store brand.

I couldn't believe how deliciously mapleicious these maple-creme-filled sandwich cookies are.  Truly awesome.

Also, truly 110 calories per cookie.  Sorry to be a spoilsport, but nothing good comes without a cost eh?

This "Markdown" Is No Deal

Seen on the Markdown/Clearance shelves at the local Big Y Supermarket, these Toy Story 3-themed Kleenex Pocket Pack tissues.

Big Y, the most expensive supermarket in town, uses their "markdown" shelves as a last resort to sell products that are last of a one-off, damaged, or slow-selling.  A day ago, the markdown area was crammed with piles of these Pocket Packs.  At $1.19 each,  I predict they're going to be there for a while. (8-count bundles of Kleenex Pocket Packs usually run around three dollars, even at non-discount places like Staples.)

Wye River Snack Mix

You may remember my glowing review of Wye River snacks, especially the Crabbers cheddar cheese snack crackers.  I thought the Crabbers would be an awesome component of a snack mix, and you know what?  I was right.

Thanks to a generous Maryland reader, I obtained a bottle of Wye River Original Red seasoning, and used it in the creation of this snack mix.  Try making a batch for yourself, and I bet you'll be delighted at the results.

Wye River Snack Mix

1 batch

1 stick (8 tablespoons) butter

1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce

1½ teaspoons soy sauce

1¼ teaspoons Wye River Original Red Seasoning

5 cups rice squares cereal (about half a box)

5 cups corn squares cereal (about half a box)

2 cups Wye River Cheddar Cheese Crabbers crackers (about half a box)

1 cup pretzels (about half of a 6-ounce bag)

1 cup roasted smoked almonds (about half of a 9-ounce tin)

Preheat oven to 275 F.

In a large roasting pan, melt the stick of butter and add the Worcestershire sauce, soy sauce, and the Wye River Original Red Seasoning.  Stir it well to combine, and add all remaining ingredients.  Use a spatula to stir and turn over the mixture until the snack ingredients are all evenly coated with the seasoned butter.

Bake in the 275 F oven for one hour, turning and stirring well every 15 minutes, to toast the snack mix.  

I usually make snack mix in double batches to use up all the ingredients.  Using a box of generic Corn Squares and Rice Squares cereal and a bag of Deutsche Kuche Pretzel Crackers from ALDI, and a  9-ounce can of generic roasted smoked almonds makes the mix very affordable, and believe me there is little if any difference between ALDI "squares" and genuine Chex cereal.

Wye River Original Red Seasoning is, by the way, a totally awesome seasoning mix. 

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Stockmeyer Pea Soup

Good, honest pea soup is a sublime and simple pleasure.  Dried peas, an onion or two, and a handful of herbs, simmered for hours around a ham bone - or better yet, a couple of meaty smoked hocks - turn into a meal-in-a-bowl.  It's even better with a couple of diced potatoes and carrots thrown in to cook an hour or so before serving.  Unlike a stew, where a flour-based roux is often called for to thicken up the gravy, pea soup should be relatively thick as a result of it's ingredients.  I have friends who swear that pea soup isn't thick enough unless the spoon can stand up on its own when stabbed into the bowl.  My own view is not that extreme, but still, I understand the thinking behind it.  For me, the perfect pea soup is slightly thicker than gravy, with a good hammy flavor behind the peas; a hint of smoke from the pork, the kiss of onion and green herbs, and an occasional bit of potato.  If it's been made with smoked hocks, there should be shreds of meat mingled in.

Now, there isn't a canned soup made that can truly measure up to good homemade.  When I buy canned soup, it's for convenience, not for gourmet enjoyment.  All I ask is that it's "good enough" - it doesn't have to be excellent.  Unfortunately, Stockmeyer Pea Soup doesn't even make it to "good enough."  Not only was the soup surprisingly bland, but it had an odd texture that didn't seem right for a pea soup and which might have been due to the fact that it's thickened with modified wheat starch and guar gum.

Strangely, the label also listed "artificial flavoring (including eggs, soybeans, milk)."  I have no idea what kind of artificial flavoring is derived from "eggs, soybeans, milk" but  it seems to be a common listing on Stockmeyer soup ingredient panels.

This is one product I would not buy again.

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Kellogg's Special K Red Berries

As a feature publisher for Foodbuzz, I participate in the Foodbuzz Tastemaker program, through which I'm occasionally sent samples of products to review.  Such was the case recently with Kellogg's Special K Red Berries cereal - Kellog's sent along two boxes of the cereal and asked that I try it out and let everyone know what I thought of it.

Maryanne, Lynnafred, and I all enjoy various cold cereals regardless of the time of year, so the Special K was a nice treat.  All of us liked the crunch and the sweet-tartness of the dehydrated strawberries that were sprinkled throughout the mix. Kellogg's is making a big deal of the nice big dose of fiber in every serving, which is hardly surprising since they've been emphasizing the healthy stool-moving qualities of dietary fiber for about a hundred years now, but when we buy a cereal we don't do it based on whether or not it will help us take a big healthy dump.  No, we look at these qualities:

• Is it delicious?
• Will it stay relatively crispy after the milk is poured?
• Will it carry us over for the six-plus hours from breakfast to lunch?

I'm happy to say that  Special K Red Berries succeeds on all three counts.

• It is delicious. The rice and wheat blend is quite tasty.and these grains are helped along by the generous amount of sugar (third on the ingredient list, just behind the rice and wheat) and seemingly-mandatory dollop of high-fructose corn syrup.  Even fans of Cap'n Crunch should need no added sugar to enjoy Red Berries.
• We noticed the Special K Red Berries cereal resisted sogginess somewhat better than the usual cereal flakes.  The red berries, however, delighted in soaking up milk to create soft, flavorful (and quite milky) berries.
• Special K Red Berries did a bang-up job of suppressing The Hungries all morning long.

Good stuff, and worth an addition to the morning lineup as long as you remember that these aren't in the same league as plain corn flakes or Cheerios.  I consider Special K Red Berries to be a "sugar cereal," and enjoy it as an occasional "treat" breakfast.
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McDonald's Brings Back The McRib

McDonald's McRib is back - for a limited time - at participating restaurants.  Although the McRib has made limited regional appearances for some time, this is the first time it's been rolled out nationally in 16 years.  I think the last time I'd had a McRib was sometime in the mid-1980's, so I decided that I'd succumb to the heavy hype the McRib has been receiving for the past few weeks and pick one up on my way home from work.

Mickey D's takes a chopped-pork patty stamped into a bastard replica of a rack of ribs, quite literally drowns it in sauce, and then serves it on a soft split-top bun with chopped onions and sliced pickles.  Get extra napkins - or grab a couple of paper towels if you get it to go and take it home - because the McRib is one damn sloppy sandwich to eat.  When you open the clamshell box it comes in, sauce is everywhere: on the sandwich, inside the box, on the outside of the bun.  I watched the McD's crew member build them, and it seemed at the time that he was taking reasonable care not to be a slob when he was slapping them together, but I think it might be impossible to assemble these neatly.

Okay, so how do they taste?  Well...strange would be a good word to describe it.  The pork patty has a good porky flavor, and the onions are a nice touch.  And surprisingly, the sharpness of the pickles helps to cut some of the rather obnoxious sweetness of the barbecue sauce.  It's a pretty decent sandwich, but for one thing that I'm finding it hard to describe.  See, all of McDonald's burgers have this unique and immediately identifiable flavor to them.  It's got to be something in the seasoning blend they use, and the McRib uses the same seasoning.  So behind the pork, behind the sauce and onions and pickles, it still tastes like a McDonald's patty.  For some people, I guess that's a plus.  For me, it earns a shrug.  Since I can get very similar boneless analog-rib products anytime from Banquet and even ALDI, and I'm not all that fond of McDonald's non-breakfast items anyway, I'm not convinced that the McRib is really worth $4.00 and 16 years.

You know what's going to be really fun, though?  When some morons with fifty bucks and a video camera try to force a meme by combining McRibs with Double Downs, Whoppers, and Baconators and post a video of their puke-inducing 8000-calorie Dumbass Burger on YouTube.

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