Wye River Snacks

Down in Maryland, there is a relatively small company called Wye River.  They started out in a garage, making and selling two distinctive seafood seasonings, Wye River Original Red and Wye River Spicy Black.  In the 25 years since they were founded, the company has grown and now puts out a variety of products, which includes the three snacks pictured above:  Wye River Crabbers (a cornmeal cracker seasoned with Original Red,) Wye River White Cheddar Cheese Crabbers (a cheese cracker also seasoned with Original Red,) and Wye River Crab Seasoned Microwave Popcorn (can you guess what it's seasoned with?  Go ahead, I bet you can.)

I bought each of these snacks at Ocean State Job Lot, but not at the same time.  We first tried the cornmeal Crabbers and liked them, so we tried the white cheddar variety and thought those were good too.  That led to trying the popcorn.  Let me go into more detail about the snacks.

Crab Seasoned Crabbers Cornbread Crackers - towards the top of the picture at left - Crispy and yet somehow "soft," these crackers are just amazing.  They're small, the size of animal crackers, and they're awesome for just munching on while watching TV, doing homework, or slaughtering enemies in a video game.  And they are TOTALLY IRRESISTIBLE once you eat one.  It's no wonder Wye River has been such a success. If Wye River Seasoning tastes anything like these crackers, I must find some.  I MUST.

Crab Seasoned White Cheddar Crabbers - these are the more yellowy of the two crackers in the picture, interestingly enough - If I were to rate the Cornmeal Crackers as "Awesome," then the White Cheese variety would be rated as "Awesome PLUS" because they are even more delicious and addictive than the others, as impossible as it is to imagine.  They are crunchy and gently cheesy, and they have a pleasant but mild spicy bite to them.  I think the cornmeal in the other crackers absorbs some of the Wye River spiciness, but since these are more standard type crackers, the seasoning is more pronounced.  Whatever.  They are such incredibly badass cheese crackers that putting them in the pantry on the Snack Shelf made the Cheez Its, Goldfish, and Cheese Nips weep with  fear and poop their pants.

Big smears of "crab seasoning" sticking to the nasty
popcorn grease inside the bag.

Unfortunately, when you have two such towering specimens of cravable awesomeness, any other snack in your lineup risks not being able to measure up, and such is the case with the Crab Seasoned Microwave Popcorn.  There are just so many things wrong with the popcorn that I hardly know where to start.  For one thing, the seasoning doesn't distribute very evenly on the popcorn.  It gets stuck in clumps on the inside of the popcorn bag.  I tried shaking the bag before opening it but it didn't do much good.  For another thing, I don't think the "crab seasoning" in the package is the same as the Wye River crab seasoning on the crackers.  It doesn't have the same flavor, or bite, or deliciousness.  It tastes more like cheap dusty paprika purchased from a dollar store's markdown bin.  The seasoning is so "off," in fact, that I actually had to put salt on the popcorn to make it taste like anything at all.  That's the first time I've had to add salt to microwave popcorn.  Something is really wrong with the seasoning mix that Wye River's contractor is using.  Worst of all, though, is the cheap-ass popping oil in the bag.  Cheaply-made microwave popcorn uses disgusting oils that leave your mouth coated with a distinct and nauseating film of grease.  Quality microwave popcorn uses better oils that don't do that.  Sorry, Wye River, but your popcorn coats my mouth.  The box contains three packets of popcorn.  I tried the first packet and was disappointed.  Days later, I popped the second packet thinking maybe I got a bum batch the first time, but I couldn't eat more than a handful of it because it was gross.  The third packet got thrown out unpopped.

But even though I'll never buy the popcorn again, those crackers.  Those awesome crackers.  I can't wait to make Chex Mix with those crackers in them.  Just thinking of the deliciousness makes my head want to asplode.
.