Review: Taco Bell's Cantina Menu

Taco Bell has been making a big deal of their new "Cantina Bell" menu, which they're touting as some sort of "gourmet" version of Taco Bell.  Lynnafred and I tried it out.

The Cantina Bowl is citrus-herb marinated chicken, black beans, guacamole, roasted corn-and-pepper salsa, creamy cilantro dressing, and freshly prepared pico de gallo, served on a bed of cilantro rice. Lynnafred enjoyed it - the chicken was flavorful and tender, the salsa was well-seasoned, and the cilantro rice was relatively easy on the cilantro (a good thing for those of us who experience cilantro as overwhelmingly "soap-flavored.")

She also said they are nearly identical to the "Burrito Bowls" sold by the more upscale Chipotle Mexican Grill, at about half the price.

On the other hand, I was totally unimpressed with my Cantina Burrito, which sports the same ingredients as the bowl, except that the whole pile of shit was rolled up in a flour tortilla. It was enormous - I took a pic of it next to a standard full-sized fork to give you an idea of scale - and weighed in at about a pound of food. 

Again, the chicken is moist and flavorful, the salsa is good, the rice is mild on the soapweed aka cilantro, and even the guacamole wasn't bad, but take the whole damn mess and roll it into what amounts to a flour diaper and it's just a jumbled mass of garbage, the appeal of which is totally goddamn lost on me.

Cantina sides are decent, if a little bland. I've already mentioned the roasted corn and pepper salsa, which both Lynnafred and I enjoyed. The Pico de Gallo (pictured) was freshly prepared, but far underseasoned and dead bland. The store-made tortilla chips almost saved the day, though, with their light crispiness and fresh flavor.

For all the crowing Taco Bell is doing about having OMG Famous Latina Chef Lorena Garcia in the kitchen developing recipes, you'd think this Cantina Bell stuff would be so awesome it would knock your sombrero off. While it might be a step in a new direction for Taco Bell and their traditional faux-Mexican menu, I get the distinct impression that Chef Garcia has been putting in some pretty short days.

Taco Bell's new Beefy Melt Burrito

I tried Taco Bell's new Beefy Melt Burrito last night and I have to say this is some seriously underwhelming stuff.

It sounds promising enough - seasoned beef, seasoned rice, three-cheese blend and sour cream rolled up in a flour tortilla - but it's so totally "meh."

Nothing looks as perfect as the publicity shots, so it's no surprise that burrito wasn't food-glamor-gorgeous. Taste is much more important here. Unfortunately, the Beefy Melt Burrito fails to deliver.

The overall taste is okay, in that familiar Taco Bell way, but there's nothing new or different here. No flavors really stand out (actually, the mildly-flavored sour cream got completely swallowed up and lost by the meat seasonings and cheese) and the texture added by the rice is kind of strange but not unpleasant.

So, there you have it.  Taco Bell's new menu addition will adequately postpone your next meal by temporarily quelling your hunger.  Yeah, that's the best I can do. I've had flavored oatmeal that was more exciting.

Oh, there is one more thing: Don't unroll it to check out what's inside unless you enjoy looking at things that appear to have been used for asswipery.

Domo Toys At Taco Bell!

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Taco Bell kids' meals currently include one of five toys featuring Domo-Kun.  How cool is that??  Personally, I'd go for the sticker dispenser.

Taco Bell Bacon Club Chalupa

Taco Bell is appealing to bacon lovers once again with the Taco Bell Bacon Club Chalupa.  And here it is, two full months into it's limited-time-only run, and I'm just getting to review it because it's been awhile since I was anywhere near a Taco Bell.  I gotta get on an email alert list from those guys or something so I know when something new is coming out.

Anyway.  The Bacon Club Chalupa has bacon, marinated chunks of all-white-meat chicken, lettuce, tomato, shredded cheese, and something Taco Bell calls "club sauce" on a crispy-crunchy chalupa shell.  An interesting idea - a Taco Bell take on a club sandwich.  And it's not bad - the chicken is moist and tender, the bacon is decent though crumbled in with kind of a light hand, and even the club sauce is pretty good (It seems to be mayonnaise-based, but there is a lot of flavor going on in there, with onion, garlic, mustard, buttermilk, and cheeses blended in.)

It's also got 490 calories, which seems to be kind of a lot for something that really isn't that physically big.  You could eat three Taco Bell crunchy tacos for the same calorie count and probably feel somewhat more full.

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Taco Bell is Hiring

I love this Taco Bell poster.  That crew kid looks just enough like Tiger Woods that people were giving the picture double-takes going out the door.

R.I.P. Little Taco Bell Chihuahua

Former Taco Bell spokespooch Gidget has died following a stroke on Tuesday, according to a news item on PeoplePets.com. She became famous during the Yo Quiero Taco Bell ad campaign, where she appeared in commercials with an overdubbed male voice.

She was 15 years old, a good solid advanced age for a dog, and those ads used to crack me up. For years, my own dog had a little plushy Taco Bell Chihuahua that would say, "¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!" when it was squeezed. He'd chomp down on it to hear the noise.

Adios, Gidget.

I Miss Volcano Tacos

Back in Fall 2008, Taco Bell introduced the Volcano Taco to their 89¢ menu. It wasn't an amazing innovative breakthrough in faux-Mexican culinaria, but it was a decent spicy lunch - several hundred thousand Scoville units beyond most Taco Bell fare.

It was a simple concept: Take an otherwise standard Taco Bell crunchy taco, color the shell a ridiculous bright red, and add a thick layer of "Lava Sauce" on top of the meat.

The Lava Sauce was the secret to the Volcano Taco's appeal: A smooth and cheddary cheese sauce that was loaded with two-stage heat: A mild burn to start that gradually built up in your mouth and throat as you ate, and a more solid fiery "warmth" down deep that stopped just short of heartburn. Topped off with a couple of packets of Fire Sauce, a Volcano Taco was comfortably warm and would get the top of my poor ol' balding head breaking out in tiny beads of sweat. (Keep in mind that my heat tolerance is somewhere on the high side of medium - true chiliheads would probably consider this taco to be kind of mild.)

They never looked as good in person as they did on the posters, but fast food never does. I was pretty disappointed when they were discontinued, though.


Links:

Fast Food Critic's Volcano Taco Review

Here's One Internet Petition to Bring the Volcano Taco back, and here is another one. I'm pretty sure no one at Taco Bell pays any attention whatsoever to internet petitions - why should they? No one else does - but the comments are fun in a "guilty pleasure" sort of way.

Taco Bell's website.

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Taco Bell Bacon Cheddar Gordita Crunch

There's something new at Taco Bell: The Bacon Cheddar Gordita Crunch. It's a crunchy beef taco in a pillowy gordita shell, with a layer of bacon-studded cheddar between the two shells and a generous dollop of "zesty southwest cheddar sauce" on top of the beef.

The poster art makes it look fantastic, of course. And, although in real life it's considerably less aesthetically constructed (as you can see below) this Gordita Crunch is pretty good.

The cheese-smothered bacon is boldly flavored, but not very crisp. Thanks to the hard taco shell hugging the bacon layer however, the illusion of crispy bacon is nicely realized.

In fact, I found it quite delicious, because the sum of all these ingredients make the Bacon Cheddar Gordita Crunch taste like my favorite fast-food sandwich: a bacon cheeseburger.

Definitely a thumbs up. If you're a Taco Bell regular, give it a try for variety's sake. And if you only stop by there occasionally, the Bacon Cheddar Gordita Crunch will give you a good excuse to visit.

Links:

Taco Bell's Bacon Cheddar Gordita Crunch web page, complete with nutritional information. You might not want to actually know how many calories and grams of sodium are in this massive handful of bacon, cheese, and beef, so click at your own risk.

Marianne at the Royal Bacon Society recently reviewed the Bacon Cheddar Gordita Crunch. See what she has to say by clicking here.

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