13 October, 2012

Out of the Can: Senora Verde's Beef Tamales


The pale- and incredibly foul-looking cylinders of evil pictured above are the contents of a can of Senora Verde Beef Tamales,  directly as emptied onto a paper plate. Some of them retained their paper sleeves as the can was tipped, others slipped from them like vile giant larvae shedding their outgrown skin. They were supposedly packed in "sauce," but that proved to be merely a watery tomato-flavored bile with a thick film of bright red grease floating on top. The "sauce" was easily disposed of, but globs of the grease stuck sort of randomly to everything else (including the plate, my fingers, and the walls of the microwave when I heated up this mess at work.)

Fast and cheap beef tamales don't have to be bad. I've picked up packages of them at the dollar store that were pretty decent. But these...things...were hideous.

Despite the illustration on the label showing a thick meaty center surrounded by a layer of corn, the tamales that actually writhed from the can were much more heavily maize-based. It was difficult to tell exactly where the cornmeal stopped and the meat began, but it was immediately apparent when I cut through the center of one that the beef filling was little more than a thin line running down the middle of each flaccid cornwobble. 

Sometimes I get a product that looks terrible, but then redeems itself with an enjoyable flavor. Not so with these tamales. Eating them only made the experience worse. The texture was disgusting - slippery and about as resilient as melty gelatine - and the greasy globs that clung to everything gave a tallowy coating to the roof of my mouth. The tallow carried through in the flavor, but there were also backnotes of rancid corn and slightly "off" canner-grade beef with the overall sourness of tomato sauce that has just started to go bad.  I managed to eat two or three bites before tipping the whole pile of shit into the bin, which is two or three bites more than anyone should ever have to eat of these goddamn yellow turds.



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6 comments:

DrunkethWizerd said...

This is quite possibly the most horrific post on any blog that I've read all year long! Bravo. Not only did the picture spark a morbid disgust and questionable interest, but your immaculate descriptions of the larva type globs squirming from their shells has forever been imprinted into the dark recesses of my brain.

Sir Yobgod Ababua the Handless said...

You don't often seem to get many comments on these posts. I just wanted to let you know that I very much enjoy them and take great pleasure in not just your adventurous approach to edibles, but especially the eloquent way in which you describe even the most vile of tinned comestibles.

Dave said...

Thanks! I'm glad you enjoy the posts. Someone's gotta eat this stuff.

Terra said...

I didn't even know that there were canned tamales other than Hormel. These are icky looking.

Dave said...

The Washington Street Rescue Mission or maybe St. John's Bread Line. Even C Rations and/or MRIs aren't as horrid appearing as that. I like freshly made tamales OK. But, have never, ever, found a canned or frozen example that I could convince myself to try.

Mr. Dave said...

I like reviewing nasty canned tamales too! A weird pastime that we share, haha!

Actually, looking back and having had a few more brands since, the Castleberry aren't that bad...

http://www.ridiculousfoodsociety.net/2009/07/castleberry-brand-canned-beef-tamales.html