16 February, 2012

Charmin Confuses Me

You know, when I was a kid, my mother never inspected my ass when I was done taking a dump. I'm pretty sure that none of my friends' mothers ever did it to them, either.

Years later, as parents ourselves, it never even occurred to us to do a butt inspection after our child's every bowel movement. In fact, I bet that anyone who so much as suggested it (let alone confessed to doing it) would have been mercilessly mocked.

And that's what I find so baffling about these Charmin ads emphasizing how spotless and toilet-paper free a kid's browneye region will be if only you choose Charmin for your bumwad. At whom are they aiming these commercials? Is there actually a demographic out there consisting of parents who not only insist on flawlessly-polished rumps, but force their children to submit to an inspection to prove it? And if there is, could it possibly be so large that they found it necessary to market directly to them?

Also:  Yeah, Charmin, we get it.  Bears shit in the woods.  Ha ha ha, you're killin' us with your edgy humor. Give it a break.


DrunkethWizerd said...

Man, this is one fucked up post! I like it. I always thought those commercials were quirky too. I for one am not worried about leaving small dots of paper in my bung hole, but rather when it rips a dangling shred off that I'm forced to pluck or (dark lord forbid) my fingernail pierces the paper as I'm wiping. Horrid and devastating thoughts.

Dave said...

There is a reason that I buy (and have for years) Scott 1000 (as it has become). It works well, doesn't tear and let your finger(s) slip through and definitely doesn't leave flecks of embarrassing Mr. Whipple paper behind.

Anonymous said...

Once again, Dave, you have been observant and honest in your post (which, by the way, I have begun to enjoy), and I think that you have realized that we all turned out fine despite probably growing up with torn pieces of toilet paper stuck to our behinds. Might I enlighten you just a bit though, to the fact that the commercial is, of course, aiming at the Mama Bear and Baby Bear demographic, however small that select group may be. We humans are capable of checking our ownselves after wiping and have enough free will to, Erik, choose to use a giant wad to prevent toilet paper wiping malfunctions. Can I confirm that there are now two yays for the Scott 1000 rolls! Lyn

steve06082 said...

I feel uncomfortable and dirty. Thanks Charmin for rubbing my nose in it. I too was never checked for confetti ass when I was young. Who knows how life could have been different for me.

Charmin should include a compact mirror in the package for discrete self-screenings.

steve06082 said...

BTW. Interesting article here on paper "slipage" after dropping a deuce. http://barfblog.foodsafety.ksu.edu/blog/153113/12/02/15/slippage-and-snot-happens-wash-your-hands-these-food-safety-myths

TomW said...

Like you, I do not understand their marketing strategy; FWIW, Kim does not either.

Past that, I buy Charmin because that's what my mom bought years ago in spite of the cost.

Seemed right to have "mom-approved" TP in the water closet while I was hunting "dear".

Charmin now severely annoys me with their confusing array of TP sizes/quality. I'd switch brands if I had guidance from a wizened individual.

Help me Dave S. -You're my only hope...

Is there a better choice? Or do we just have to put up with their shenanigans?


E.St.Clair said...

You write the best blog posts, ever. You make me laugh out loud about the weirdest, coolest stuff. Rock on.