Fireworks for Pervs

Fireworks as named by giggling 12-year-olds.

The Dogs of Summer: Bogner Natural Casing Franks

Bogner Meats is an awesome butcher store/meat market with retail stores in Manchester and Vernon, CT. In addtition to a huge fresh meat case, they also make several varieties of their very own deli meats (like Genoa salami and pepperoni.) And they also have their very own brand of natural casing beef and pork franks, made by Hummel of New Haven to Bogner's recipe.

Bogner franks have an excellent meat flavor thanks to the beef and pork blend, with mild spices and just a hint of smokiness. They seem to me to have a little more coriander in the seasoning blend than some other franks, but they compare very well against my favorites, Mucke's and Grote & Weigel.

Johnny's Roadside Market Garden Is Open!

The farm stand season in the Enfield area has officially kicked off today with the opening of Johnny's Roadside Market Garden on North Maple Street in the Shaker Pines section. In the early spring, Johnny's opens up to sell vegetable plants and bedding flowers before closing again for a few weeks. Then, as early crops start coming in at local farms (and in Johnny's own tomato greenhouses) they open again for the season, carrying a variety of fresh vegetables and fruits from the Connecticut River Valley as well as some other produce more typical of grocery stores.

I stopped in today on my way home from work, and found a big variety of fresh produce waiting: Beet greens, spinach, and early lettuce from Connecticut farms; local peas, sugar snaps, and green beans; Connecticut Valley sweet corn (wicked early!); crispy pickling cukes from New Jersey; and plump gorgeous early tomatoes from Johnny's own hothouses. These are not the crappy hothouse tomatoes of my childhood, pale and hard and wrapped in cellophane. No, these are crimson beauties that bear delicious whispers of the summer tomatoes yet to come.

I have several tomato vines in my own garden, and come late July I'll have all the tomatoes I need right in my own backyard. But until those start to come in, I have Johnny's awesome tomatoes to tide me over. 

Johnny's tomatoes are at the heart of The Nearly Perfect BLT:

• Fresh lettuce picked a few minutes ago from my garden
• Bacon from a local smokehouse
• Fresh crusty Viennese bread
• One of Johnny's tomatoes

Why "nearly perfect?" Well, the Truly Perfect BLT would have an heirloom tomato out of my own garden. But all of my toms are still green.

Johnny's Roadside Market Garden

336 North Maple Street

Enfield, CT 06082

Click here to check out their website.

Review: Burger King's Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich

Burger King has taken a little break from slavishly copying McDonald's McCafe beverages to introduce several new BBQ specialties, one of which is the Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich.  I stopped in to the local BK yesterday to give it a try.

Here's what it looks like in the advertising:

Photo by Burger King

And here's what it looks like in real life:

Now, I've acknowledged before that comparing real fast food to advertising-agency-styled fast food is a cheap shot, but trust me - this sandwich is so completely disgusting that the way it looks is only the beginning of how shitty it is.

There was no meaty pile of pulled pork on a crusty split-top bun. It was a small - significantly smaller than the diameter of the bread - knot of crappy, low-quality meat on a squishy oversized burger bun.  Even though I actually looked at the contents of the sandwich when I took this picture, I still mustered up the courage to take a bite.

The pork was drenched in cheap, sticky BBQ sauce that tasted mostly of corn syrup and artificial smoke and it was the texture of shredded flannel. And worst of all, the entire interior was completely smothered in mayonnaise. So not only did the sandwich look like someone took a dump on a hamburger bun, it tasted like an overly-sweetened old washcloth sopped in slime.

For the first time in the history of Dave's Cupboard, I was unable to stomach so much as a single bite of a review subject. This heinous wet lump of filth was so horrendous that my first and only bite was instantly interrupted by my gag reflex and I spit the gnarly bolus back at the cardboard clamshell in which it was served.

On the other hand, the sweet potato shoestring fries that I got as a side were pretty good. So the visit wasn't a total loss.

Vintage Corned Beef Experiment, Part 2

Quick recap: I cooked a commercial corned beef which had hidden in my refrigerator for a month past its "sell by" date.

It was delicious. I'd do it again. (Not on purpose.)

Vintage Corned Beef Experiment Part 1

This afternoon I remembered that I had a corned beef in the meat drawer of the fridge. I bought it before St. Patrick's Day, because the prices on corned beef right around that time of year are pretty unbeatable, and the "use or freeze by" date was seemingly far off in the future.

So far off, in fact, that I kind of forgot all about having it sitting in there, waiting for me.

Tonight I got home and thought about corned beef for some reason. I remembered that chunk in the fridge and wondered if it was too late to cook.  The date on the package said "FREEZE / USE BY MAY 17 2012:"

I opened up the package and took a sniff. Smelled like corned beef; no off odors. The brine wasn't thick or sticky the way it gets when meat spoils in it.  So I put in a pot with some water, celery, chopped shallots, and pickling spice and put it on to simmer.

The kitchen smells pretty good right now.  I'll give it a few hours on a simmer, then cool it, wrap it tightly in foil, and refrigerate it overnight. Tomorrow I'll let you know how it turned out.

I Had Douchebag Pizza For Lunch

More specifically, I had Red Baron Thick Pan Pepperoni Pizza for lunch.

Hey, check this out: It's EXCLUSIVELY PREPARED!
What the hell does that even mean?

I decided to try it because I am inexplicably fond of Red Baron's small deep-dish pizzas (the ones that come in twin packs.) They're not anything like a "good pizza," but there is something about the cracker-like shell crust and slightly strange-flavored sauce that appeals to me.  So how bad could a "Thick Pan" pizza be, right?

Well, I will say this about the Thick Pan pizza: in real life, it looks exactly like the photo on the package. I'm sure you've seen enough box-cover-art "Serving Suggestions" to know how rare that is. The sauce and pepperoni were also exactly what I expected: fairly decent pepperoni (spicy and just a little greasy) and sauce that had a slightly strange flavor heavy on the oregano and kind of light on the tomato flavor. 

And dat crust. The cardboard platform on which it was cooked in the microwave is coated with that gray stuff that makes things in the microwave get browned. So the crust had a nice crispy browned bottom, and it tasted just like the thin and crunchy deep-dish crusts that the small Red Baron pizzas have. But it was thick, soft, and a little spongy, more like a cheap bread than a real crust. I know I wasn't going to get a primo New Haven pie here, but even at that I found it somewhat substandard. If you like a thick, soft crust, you might want to try out the Red Baron Pizza. I probably won't buy it again.

So why, you may ask, did I call it "Douchebag Pizza?"  Check out the box art. It's covered with pictures of douchebags. "HEY GUYS! It's the Baron! Looking for douche food? Well, you're in luck!"

Walkerswood Jerk Seasoning

I've tried a lot of Jamaican-style jerk seasonings in search of something really authentic, without too much luck. But recently, my friend Roger discovered Walkerswood Traditional Jamaican Jerk Seaoning, and I think my search is at an end.

Unlike so many other jerk seasonings out there, Walkerswood is a paste made up of hot peppers, scallions, black pepper, onions, salt, allspice, nutmeg, cane sugar, and thyme. It's made in and imported from Jamaica, and it's the most authentic jerk seasoning I've found.

It's easy to use - just rub some into the meat and let it sit a few hours (though overnight is best) before grilling or roasting. I've used it on chicken and pork so far, and it's AWESOME. (I'm considering making some beef jerky with it to see how it turns out.)

Walkerswood also understands that not everyone has a high tolerance for hot and spicy food., so they make a mild version that has the same authentic jerk ingredients with a little less hot pepper added to the blend. Don't get me wrong - Walkerswood idea of "mild" still might ring your bells if you are a complete pepper wuss, but it does have quite a bit less kick than the hot and spicy stuff.

Availability varies depending on where you live. I had never noticed it at all until just a little while ago, when Roger brought some back for me from a recent out-of-state trip. Since I've actually started looking for it, I've found it in a couple of ethnic markets (like Food Zone International on Belmont Avenue in Springfield MA) and supermarkets (I think ShopRite carries it in Enfield CT.) If you're a fan of jerk cooking, it's well worth the search.

Review: Bove's All Natural Roasted Tomato Pasta Sauce

Although my favorite pasta sauce is the stuff I make from scratch at home, I don't always have the time or ambition to make a pot of tomato sauce - especially in the summer, when my kitchen is hot enough without a big pot simmering on the stove.  

So, I do what millions of other people do: I buy prepared pasta sauce in jars at the supermarket. Over the years, I've discovered that there are a lot of bad sauces, a bunch of good sauces, and a few that are really excellent.

Allow me to introduce you to one of the excellent ones: Bove's All Natural Roasted Tomato Pasta Sauce. Discovering a sauce like Bove's makes me really happy - not only did I find a really high-quality product, but it's made right here in New England (in Vermont, to be specific) and as you might know by now, I'm a big fan of New England-made stuff.

Anyway, the Roasted Tomato sauce is awesome. Officially, the ingredients are fire-roasted plum tomatoes, fresh garlic and onions, and spices. Unofficially, I'm pretty sure the ingredients also include Win and Rad. The roasted tomatoes contribute to a deep and rich flavor that is second only to homemade. I used Bove's Roasted Tomato sauce in a lasagna on Sunday, and it was one of the best lasagnas I've ever made. The sauce held its own against the pasta and cheeses and didn't get "lost" among the cheeses and sheets of lasagna noodles.

I'm actively looking for Bove's in local supermarkets now. I bought the jars of Roasted Tomato at my local job lot store, and the other varieties weren't available. If I have to, I'll look for it on Amazon, but I really prefer to give my hard-earned paycheck to local groceries than to any online guys I've never met.

I totally recommend this stuff, without hesitation. 

More about Bove's

Bove's Cafe is a three-generations-old restaurant in Burlington VT. They started out being locally famous for their Italian food and in the past few years have become more widely known after being "discovered" by Food Network. They bottle a fairly big line of tomato sauces; besides the Roasted Tomato variety, there is also Marinara, Three Cheese & Tomato, Mushroom & Wine, Roasted Garlic, Basil, and Vodka.

Pop Quiz!

What am I holding in the picture at right?


A. A roll of bird netting to protect my blueberries


B. Gene Simmons' hair.