Dave's Cupboard

Grote & Weigel Out of Business

2012-01-27T21:47:00.000-05:00

For over 120 years, Grote & Weigel has been making sausages, hams, smoked turkeys, and hot dogs in Connecticut, under their own brand and as private label products for various companies in New England.

No longer. The business is closed and all the Grote & Weigel product that will ever be made is out in the retail pipeline right now - when it's sold out, it's gone forever. The building and all the meat processing equipment are to be sold at auction in February, bringing a century of Connecticut food tradition to a close.

Gevalia Coffee

2012-01-19T23:35:00.000-05:00

For years, Gevalia Coffee has only been sold in the US via mail order. Old farts like me will probably remember their magazine ads back in the pre-internet days, but Gevalia also used direct mail and television ads before shifting gears to sell online.

And now, Gevalia (which has been a wholly-owned subsidiary of Kraft since the early 70's) can be found in your local supermarket.

This is new turf for Gevalia, and they're working hard to get the word out. Earlier this week, Kraft sent us a sample of Gevalia for review - a 12-ounce bag of Traditional Roast. We couldn't wait to try it out, because Maryanne and I are both big coffee drinkers, and we enjoy it every step of the way - from the sound and smell of opening a new package, to the fragrant anticipation of the percolator bubbling in the kitchen, to the rich coffee flavor and aroma of a freshly-poured steaming mug of ambrosial joe. And although we've had a wide variety of different brews from ordinary to exotic, neither of us had ever tried Gevalia before.

We were not disappointed.

The very first whiff when we opened the bag hinted at the caffeinated joys to follow. The aroma was smooth and nutty, with hints of earthiness and chocolate. We loaded our favorite coffee maker - a vintage 12-cup Universal percolator dating from the mid-1950's - and fired it up. Delicious javaliness tickled our noses as the percolator sang it's brewsong, and when the percolator's red pilot light came on (indicating the coffee was ready!) we poured it forth.

Ahhh. Awesome.

Gevalia totally delivers on it's promise of smooth, rich, perfect coffee. The flavor was completely coffee, without any harsh acidity or unpleasant, excessive bitterness. Maryanne and I were impressed, and we're actually looking forward to picking up another bag at the grocery store.

Fishy Delights 45: Swedish Fish

2012-01-17T10:54:00.001-05:00

So, what do you think of when someone says "Swedish Fish"? Those chewy little red candies, right?

Not this time. No, this time I'm talking real fish - pickled fish, actually - from Sweden, thanks to the food section at the local IKEA.

Behold three different varieties of pickled herring as found at IKEA. Each jar contains a variety of preserved herring, and while they all share some basic ingredients (wine or vinegar and of course herring) they all have their own flavor profile.

Sill Inlagd - Herring pickled in vinegar, with onions and carrots. There seems to be a bit of sugar and peppercorns in here as well. Very pleasant flavor, strongly reminiscent of American pickled herring. Not sure what the carrot is there for, though, since it doesn't add any flavor to the mixture. Maybe you're supposed to eat the carrot, too.

Sill Lok - A lot like Sill Inlagd, but without carrots, and the pickling liquid is red - that muddy kind of red that you get when red onions are used. But the onions actually look white, so maybe color is from wine vinegar.

Sill Matjes - Herring pickled with wine vinegar, dill, and spices. It's got a very unique flavor profile - the spices are along the lines of nutmeg and clove, and even though I've had matjes spread and tinned matjes herring before, it still took me by surprise like it did on the earlier occasions. (I guess I just don't associate those particular spices with fish.) This is probably my least favorite variety - I think that matjes is an acquired taste, and I just haven't acquired it yet.

And speaking of acquired tastes, there's one other thing about the IKEA Swedish fish that takes some getting used to, and that's the texture.

Take a look at the picture to the left: That is American pickled herring, sold most often in jars as "Herring in Wine Sauce." It's pickled with sliced onion and a little bit of white wine is added to the brine to improve the flavor. I love that stuff. I'm the only one in the house who likes it (besides the dogs) and I buy big jars of it so I can just dig in and grab a few chunks for a snack just about any time I want. I've been eating pickled herring since I was a kid. You'd think the IKEA varieties would be right up my alley, right?

No! Not at all! You see, American pickled herring is slightly cooked - not fully, mind you, otherwise it would fall apart into a disgusting mass in the jar - but just enough to put a little translucency into the fish and firm up the texture a bit. The IKEA pickled herring is just absolutely raw.

Oh, man, I can hardly stand it. There is something about the texture of raw fish that just makes me gag. That's why I don't go to sushi places more often - too much rawness. So, while American slightly-cooked pickled herring is one of my favorite snacks, I can't really say the same thing for IKEA pickled herring. A bit or two is all I can stand. And that's really too bad, because the flavor is really awesome.

So I guess this is a mixed review. If you can get past that raw fish texture - and I know that it doesn't bother everyone the way it does me - it's well worth it to have a jar or two in the fridge for snacking purposes. As for me, though, I'll keep taking little bites now and then to see if I can break through my aversion, but for now it's just not my thing.

What's Up With Welch's Grape Jelly?

2012-01-09T22:56:00.000-05:00

I saw an ad for Welch's Grape Jelly the other day, starring their happy spokesman Alton Brown.

At the end of the ad, Alton mentions that Welch's Grape Jelly contains no high-fructose corn syrup. That was delicious news to my ears, because I read labels and one of the things that puts a product on my "Do Not Buy" list is the inclusion of HFCS - and I haven't bought Welch's jams or jellies in a long time.

But when I checked out the labels at the grocery store, I found that apparently, nothing has changed. All of the Welch's jams and jellies, regardless of packaging (large or small jar, ridiculous squeeze tube, and so on) show that Welch's is still using corn syrup and high-fructose corn syrup, and not a bit of cane sugar.

So, what's up, Alton? Is this a transitional period where sugar-sweetened jelly is on the way but the last of the HFCS syrup still hangs around? Or is someone just blowing smoke up our ass?

Check out the Welch's in your supermarkets, and let me know in the comments if you find the no-HFCS version there.

A Great Deal at IKEA

2012-01-08T13:49:00.001-05:00

Soft, absorbent cotton kitchen towels from IKEA, in a herringbone weave. These things are awesome - I usually have one over my shoulder when I'm cooking, ready for instant use. They launder up pretty well, too, and when they're finally too stained and beat up for me to feel OK about them in the kitchen, they go to the rag bin for "terminal duties" (mopping up dog barf, cleaning car parts - you know, stuff that leaves rags so filthy that they've just got to get thrown out.)

Best thing about these tough little moppines? They're 79 cents apiece - cheap enough that you really don't mind making them work hard in the kitchen. Whenever we trek down to New Haven on an IKEA run, I pick up at least ten of them.

Out Of The Can: Shop Rite Corned Beef Hash

2012-01-08T12:28:00.001-05:00

Here we go again, with yet another can of hash. Like the last, this one is also a store brand: Shop Rite Corned Beef Hash. And also like the last, notice the stunning lack of extraneous fat.

That's not saying this stuff was perfectly lean, because it wasn't: As it cooked, about a tablespoon of fat melted out, which we spooned off after cooking. But overall, I have to say that Shop Rite hash has a decent flavor and texture and is quite a bit less expensive than the leading national brands.

Pillsbury Simply Rustic French Bread / Salami Bread

2012-01-01T15:23:00.000-05:00

If you've ever had any of the various Pillsbury "bread" doughs, you've probably noticed that they all taste pretty much the same. Dinner rolls, crescent rolls, "Italian" bread, Rustic French bread, biscuits, you name it - Pillsbury does some pretty amazing things with textures (varying the flakiness of the rolls and making some of the breads denser than others, for example) but when you get right down to it and taste it, the basic flavor is identical right across the line.

So you can probably imagine that I didn't have very high expectations for Pillsbury Rustic French Bread. I don't care what the advertising says or how attractive the picture on the package is. It's still going to taste like something out of a bursting paper tube. And I was right. Totally unimpressive - you can get the same effect from not separating a bunch of dinner rolls and baking them in one long cylinder. Not "rustic" at all, and certainly not "French."

And therefore, for my second tube of Rustic French Bread, I thought I'd try something different. I make salami, pepperoni, and sausage breads all the time (using genuine yeast bread from a fairly standard yeast bread recipe) and somehow I got it into my head that maybe the rather "meh" Pillsbury Rustic French Bread could be made better by going beyond the usual.

I started out by removing the Pillsbury dough from the tube and spreading it out on a work surface. I found that Simply dough is every bit as sticky as non-Simply Pillsbury stuff, so I spread it out on a sheet of baking parchment.

With the dough spread out, I added a single layer of Genoa salami. and then rolled the dough up into a loaf with the salami spiraled in the middle.

Here's the dough, all rolled up with a few slashes cut into it for venting. I transferred the loaf onto a baking sheet and put it into the oven.

And here's the final product, out of the oven all nicely browned and looking totally nommable.

You know what it tasted like? Cheap and crappy Pillsbury dough with salami inside. It was really lousy.

I dunno. Pillsbury's quick breads certainly have their place - I enjoy the dinner rolls and "biscuits" occasionally. But I guess I'm just less than enthusiastic about using Pillsbury breads for stuff like "rustic French bread" or pizza dough.

LaYogurt (Triple Berry)

2011-12-28T17:18:00.000-05:00

First of all, this isn't usually the kind of yogurt I normally buy. I'm not buying into this whole "probiotic" thing, for example - all active culture yogurts are "probiotic." Also, I like my yogurt to be interesting, so I go with unusual flavors or types of milk. But I got a wicked sweet deal on a full case ($1.99, or about 17 cents each) of these and couldn't pass it up.

So. LaYogurt is pretty run-of-the-mill stuff. The Triple Berry flavoring comes from juice, which is mixed with yogurt, sugar, and thickening agents to create a very smooth and even consistency. It's not the best yogurt in the world, but it is not heinous either. Perfectly acceptable (though a bit on the sweet side) especially for the price I paid.

Pumpkin Pie Pop Tarts

2011-12-27T22:04:00.002-05:00

In the past couple of years, appreciation for the humble pumpkin has really exploded. One indication is the number of pumpkin soup recipes that spread like a disease across food blogs every autumn. Another is the way pumpkin has started to appear in the most unlikely places - marshmallows, and beer, and soft drinks, and even Pop Tarts!

I picked up a box of Pumpkin Pie Pop Tarts back in late October, and I would have posted this review long ago if my damn headaches hadn't kept me offline through much of November. Better late than never though, I suppose, and there are still a few boxes in stores here and there (and leftover stock should be showing up any time now in places like Big Lots and Ocean State Job Lot, so you'll still have a chance to grab 'em.) On with the review:

I've liked Pop Tarts ever since I was a kid, when my mom would buy them occasionally and dole them out as breakfast treats. That's still my favorite way to enjoy them, too - warmed up in the toaster with a glass of milk or a cup of coffee as a fast and carby breakfast on rushed weekdays.

As much as I like them, though, I have to admit that they've always tasted like somewhat fruit-flavored sugar pastries. I guess that's why my favorite variety has long been the Brown Sugar and Cinnamon flavor. It just seemed refreshingly honest to have a Pop Tart that came right out and said the filling was nothing but seasoned brown sugar. It was like the epitome of nutritionally-devoid calories.

Pumpkin Pie Pop Tarts are not like that, though. Oh, they're still carby sugary nutritionally embarrassing squares of empty calories, but they are SO DELICIOUS. They really do taste like pumpkin pie (although the sprinkle-cast frosting is completely over-the-top.) Two of these with a cup of coffee in the morning can really make the day more bearable when you have no access to actual pie, because they totally deliver on the pumpkin pie promise.

I'm really hoping that Kellogg's brings these back again next year.

Nabisco, I Am Disappoint

2011-12-23T20:05:00.000-05:00

Remember Nutter Butter Creme Patties? Little wafer pillows filled with peanut butter creme...every bite held an explosion of awesome peanut butteriness. My friend Michael was visiting last weekend, and mentioned sort of out of the blue that he hadn't had Nutter Butters for quite a while. Come to think of it, neither had I - and so, it became an imperative that we get some.

The wafers were just as crisp and wafery as we remembered - but somehow, those first bites just weren't as delicious as in the past. Michael snapped one of the patties in half and it became evident why Nutter Butters aren't quite as Nutter Buttery as they useter.

Look at that! They're only half-full of peanut butter creme! No wonder they were better years ago - there was more filling back then.

Shame on you, Nabisco.

Ew...Cultured Almond Milk

2011-12-22T17:20:00.000-05:00

So, apparently someone has figured out a way to make a non-yogurt using almond milk and active yogurt cultures. And, while I can see the appeal of this to vegans and the lactose-intolerant, there has to be a better way to go about it.

Amande Cultured Almond Milk does have active cultures in it. But since it isn't real dairy milk, there's nothing for the cultures to thicken. I guess they just sit around in the cup and wait to be eaten. The thickening part is done by various starches and gums which are blended in to give the product a yogurt-like smoothness.

Unfortunately, yogurt-like is about as far as it goes, because the starches and gums also produce a consistency that is rather solid and jiggly, except for the pool of sticky waterish stuff that is also in the cup. Trying to stir the watery stuff back into the almond milk mass is an exercise in futility: it never mixes back in, it just sort of helps break up the jiggly parts into grainy little unappealing blobs. No, it is far better to just pour the water off down the sink and dig right into the almond milk mass, because when it holds its form you can at least pretend that it's pudding or something else that's actually appetizing.

The raspberry flavor that we sampled was a semi-pinkish/brown color, shot through with tiny bits of raspberry. The raspberry flavor was rather pleasant, but unfortunately it could not mask the "elderly mayonnaise" taste of the almond milk concoction itself. And then there was that graininess.

Even with four of us tasting it, most of it went straight into the bin. At best, this is an acquired taste. And I'm truly sorry for anyone who has cause to acquire it.

Milano Reopens In Springfield

2011-12-21T03:26:00.001-05:00

Milano Imported Fine Foods, Springfield's best Italian market and deli, has reopened, six months after having been destroyed by the June 1st tornado that chewed through downtown.

Right now, the grocery and deli are up and running, and the sausage and pasta-making facilities are in full operation. They'e still working on the kitchen, however, so hot lunches and the catering service may be delayed for another week or so.

Lobster Slider Patties

2011-12-20T12:20:00.000-05:00

I was poking around in the frozen food section of Dollar Tree and found these: Lobster Slider Patties. How awesome to find something as expensively gourmet as lobster at such a reasonable price! Even though the box felt kind of light, still: LOBSTAH FOR A DOLLAH! I knew it must be true, because "Lobster Meat" was the first ingredient listed on the side panel Yea, though I paid a pauper's coin for this delight, verily I would dine like King Neptune this night.

Of course, there was other fine print on the label, like on the front where it shows a photo of two plump and delicious lobster slider patties on fresh rolls with some kind of mayo peeking out from the bottom. Superimposed over the bottom of the righthand sandwich, in a typeface so tiny it is barely readable by the naked eye, is the advisory: "Serving Suggestion." This is a marketing term which loosely translates as "What you're seeing here isn't exactly what you're getting in the box."

When the box was opened, we found two "patties," sans bun (that was part of the "Suggestion," and the box was after all clearly labeled "Slider Patties" without any mention of buns.) They were about the size and shape of a chocolate-chip cookie, and looked like they had been hand-formed.

The cooking instructions strongly suggested baking the patties in the oven, mentioning that it was superior to the micowave. Instead, I opted to pan-fry them in butter. Besides the fact that pan-frying adds a delicious crispy crust to the bottom and top, I was also not about to run the oven for two tiny little dollar-store patties. So into the pan they went, sizzle-sizzle-sizzle, and out they came to a plate a few minutes later, exactly as anticipated: crispy and browned on the top and bottom, soft and hot inside.

We broke bits off and examined them. They are definitely made primarily of lobster meat and crumbs, exactly as the ingredient label states. (The red pieces you see in the photos are bits of red bell pepper that appear to be added as a garnish.) But don't look for chunks of lobster, because you won't find it. Look carefully at the lobster patty chunk on the end of your fork, and you'll see the meat: tiny little fibers that are the last remaining bits of salvageable meat from the lobster after all of the choice bits have been taken for other purposes. Note, however, that there was no way for us to really tell what kind of "lobster" it was. It could have been Maine lobster, or langostino "lobster", or lobster tails for all we could tell.

At any rate, it didn't matter. The patties passed the most important test: they actually tasted good. They had a decent shellfishy flavor and a smooth, if a bit wet, texture that was reminiscent of the stuffed clam filling one might find in a restaurant. A few dashes of hot sauce pepped up the patties and brightened the shellfish flavors.

I don't really think I'd serve these as "sliders," on a little hamburger roll. That would be way too much like eating a bread sandwich (I'll have a whole wheat on rye, hold the pumpernickel please.) But if I had some little sausage patties on biscuits, these lobster patties would be awesome snuggled in there against the pigmeat.

So I might not have dined like King Neptune, but I liked the lobster patties well enough. A buck well spent.

Eggies Hard Boiled Egg Cooker

2011-12-18T17:34:00.000-05:00

Check out this ad for a product called "Eggies." Apparently, their target market is "People Who Don't Mind Being Called Too Stupid To Peel An Egg."

Vernors Ginger Soda

2011-12-18T16:41:00.000-05:00

So, Vernors. Yet another beverage with a cult following. Is it a ginger ale or a "ginger soda?" It's been marketed as both, but currently the can says "The Original Ginger Soda," so I guess we'll go with that.

And I think that's fair, because Vernors is sweeter and more gingery-spicy than the typical ginger ales that are commonly on the market, with a flavor profile that has a lot more going on than the usual sody pop.

Vernors has a stronger ginger flavor right out of the gate, and it's accompanied by a subtle spicy kick, reminiscent of but milder than ginger beer. There's a touch of vanilla in there as well, and the overall effect is really quite nice.

I'm told that the Vernors of today is different than the classic Vernors of yesteryear - that the formula has changed and the soda is less itself than it once was. I'm not in any position to notice because Vernors is hard to find here in New England, and before scoring the few cans I recently tried, the last time I had it was back in the late 1970s and I don't remember that old experience all that well.

But anyway, Vernors is a unique taste and enjoyable. If you live outside of their home turf of Michigan, Ohio, and Illinois and find a can or two, nab it. You'll like it.

Candy Corn M&Ms

2011-12-15T21:06:00.003-05:00

Candy Corn M&Ms were an M&Ms "special edition" - a Walmart exclusive made up of white chocolate with white, yellow, and orange candy shells. This isn't really a post about them, though. Call it an "anti-post," I guess, because I was never able to find the damn things during the Halloween season when they were supposed to be on the shelf.

I visited every Walmart in the area through the Halloween season and beyond, but they were never in stock, so even though I'd love to tell you how awesome they were, it ain't gonna happen.

Now, I know that Walmart has enormous clout with manufacturers and distributors because of the huge share of the market they command, but I still hate this kind of "limited distribution" because it inevitably leaves other chunks of the market out. I suppose I could have sent an email to Mars to request some samples, but it's not my policy to request stuff from manufacturers (though they are free to send me products unsolicited and at their own risk for review, I don't like putting my hand out.)

So I guess that's it: I don't like retailer-specific special edition items and now you know about it; rant over, the end.

Buy Bacon Salt For What It's Actually Worth

2011-12-14T06:18:00.000-05:00

Despite the strength of the Internet Bacon Meme, I don't think much of Bacon Salt. It doesn't "make everything taste like bacon," it makes everything taste like cheap, shitty smoke-flavored salt.

On a recent foray to markdown grocer The Barn in Greenfield MA, I found a shelf full of Bacon Salt at fifty cents per jar. Finally, someone is selling the stuff for what it should be marked at based on flavor and usefulness.

Wild Bill's Bacon Jerky

2011-12-12T13:18:00.000-05:00

When Dave and I were both feeling at our worst, I was the one stuck doing some shopping. As I wandered aisles and aisles of food that didn't look appealing and was preoccupied wishing I could go back to bed, I saw the food equivalent of a choir of angels: Wild Bill's Bacon Jerky. I immediately tossed it into the cart, chortling with glee, and went home knowing that I was definitely forgetting something important (milk,) but arriving with something that would certainly make Dave feel better. And besides, bacon jerky must be interesting, because hot damn, who doesn't love jerky?

Well, when I brought it home and we zipped the package open, both Dave and I were disappointed to find nothing more than thick cut, precooked bacon inside. The flavor was okay - a bit on the salty side, if you ask me - but it had this welcome smokiness that brought together the whole flavor profile of the bacon. It wasn't jerky, though. Just plain old precooked bacon, at a 300% markup.

Live and learn, I suppose.

Dave Says:

I was pretty psyched to try this stuff, because you know: BACON. And also: JERKY. Hot damn. It was quite a disappointment to open up the bag and find thick-cut but otherwise pretty run-of-the-mill precooked bacon, broken up into bite-size (and smaller) chunks. WTF, six bucks for three ounces of this? Not cool. I mean, it was as good as any other precooked bacon I've ever bought, but at least I can get Hormel and Oscar Mayer ready-to-eat pigstrips on sale and in whole slices.

My first thought was that Monogram Meat Snacks, the guys responsible for the Wild Bill's brand, were buying precooked bacon shards that other companies couldn't put into a ready-to-eat bacon package because the slices weren't whole anymore. But no: the USDA Establishment Number printed on the package shows that the bacon was processed by Monogram their own selves.

Anyway, my official rating: decent bacon but definitely not jerky, and not something I'd go out of my way for.

Meyenberg Low Fat Goat Milk

2011-12-12T07:13:00.001-05:00

If you've grown up drinking cow's milk, goat milk can be an acquired taste. Goat milk is stronger in flavor (I've heard it described as "gamey" or "strongly goaty") and has a different aftertaste than cow's milk.

As for me, I've always liked goat milk, and I can't resist picking up a quart when I find it (which isn't very often, BTW - goat milk is still considered a "specialty item" and a lot of supermarkets don't regularly carry it.) For that matter, I like goat milk yogurt and goat cheese, too. Hell, if I thought I could get away with it, I would keep a nanny goat here in my quiet suburban neighborhood and be all Goat Milk Dairyman with her.

Anyway. Different brands of goat milk seem to have different goaty intensities. I recently picked up a quart of Meyenberg Low Fat Goat Milk and really enjoyed it. But I have to say it was much stronger in flavor than some of the other goat milks I've had. It had a very distinctive "barnyard taste," which is something that some people find objectionable but I find interesting.

I would certainly buy it again, especially if I also have Cap'n Crunch in the house. Because that's something else about goat milk: it is awesome on Cap'n Crunch.

PEE Jays?

2011-12-12T05:00:00.000-05:00

Every year, Maryanne and I order a box of oranges from one of the local high schools during their annual fund raiser. This year, the fruit came from a fundraising place in New Jersey instead of directly from Florida:

That's a legit company, and the oranges are okay, and I'm sure the rest of the stuff they sell is okay too. But I still have to wonder what kind of horrible childhood someone has to have to get the nickname "Pee Jay" instead of, say, the more neutral "PJ." Also I laugh, because I'm an immature bastard.

Out Of The Can: Brookdale Corned Beef Hash (ALDI)

2011-12-11T09:07:00.001-05:00

Today's Out of the Can feature is Brookdale Corned Beef Hash, sold by ALDI. Bearing in mind that ALDI is a no-frills, low-price sort of supermarket, I was expecting this hash to be a hilarious cylinder of fat and lurid pink mystery meat, much like the cheap house brand hash that provided me with so many lulz in April 2010.

But no - Like so many other ALDI branded products, Brookdale Corned Beef Hash is pretty awesome. Very little fat cooks out of it in the skillet. The meat and potatoes are both decent quality, and the flavor is good without being overly salty.

A quick check of the USDA Establishment Number printed on the can reveals that the hash is actually made by Hormel, then labeled for distribution and sale by ALDI (regardless of how secretive ALDI is about the source of their private brand stuff, this is something they cannot hide on anything containing any kind of meat - federal regulations require that the processors of meat products be revealed on the package.)

I like canned corned beef hash - 'ash an' heggs is a favorite Sunday morning breakfast for us, especially as the weather gets colder. I've gotten used to tipping the pan and spooning out a quarter of a cup of fat as the hash cooked, so it was a mighty pleasant surprise to find that Brookdale hash doesn't pour off a load of grease as it heats up. And what makes it even better is the price (I'm pretty sure I paid less than $1.50 a can for it.)

Recommended with no qualms.

Why, Hello There!

2011-12-11T08:28:00.001-05:00

Have you ever had a migraine headache? They can be pretty nasty - they might knock you out of service for a whole day...or two...or sometimes, for some people, a week.

My head has been in almost constant pain for about two months now.

Last month was the worst. I couldn't look at a monitor for more than a couple of minutes at a time. I couldn't talk on the phone. And worst of all, I couldn't concentrate on anything. I spent a huge amount of time on my back, hiding from the light, with a heating pad wrapped around my head. And the pain isn't just inside my head, it's in my scalp and face too.

My doctor and my neurologist are both working to figure out what is going on. I've had CT scans, MRIs, and ongoing bloodwork to see if we can track down what is causing this. So far, we've ruled out the really scary shit like tumors, embolisms, or arterial blockage, and now we're testing for less-scary shit like Lyme disease and such.

So between that and Lynnafred being out of commission, posts to the blog have been more or less on hiatus. She's feeling somewhat better, though, and my own pain is starting to get to the point where I can get some work done again, so you can look forward to a bunch of posts in the coming days. We both have a big backlog of stuff to review and a couple recipes to share, and I'm really eager to get back online again. I think if I take advantage of the periods where the pain is manageable I can get some stuff posted and/or scheduled, and give you guys some new stuff to read.

Finally, I'd like to thank all of you who sent emails of concern during the hiatus. I'm going to try to answer all of you in the next day or so. I deeply appreciate your messages, and the get well wishes you guys wrote in the comments to Lynnafred's post. And I'm sorry that I couldn't get past the pain or work up the concentration to reply to them before now.

All of you are awesome. Thanks!

We're not dead yet.

2011-12-06T08:20:00.000-05:00

But we might as well be, for all intents and purposes. Awhile back, I mentioned that Dave was feeling sick and wasn't really in the blogging spirit. He's still not feeling well, which is half the reason that there's no updates to be had. The other half is, obviously, me. I've just gotten over a horrible bout of flu and general feel-shittery, and am just starting to get back into the normal swing of things, not to mention normal eating habits. So, now, I'll be taking the helm again and posting the things that Dave dictates, as well as whatever odd food that I can find. (Fun fact: I have bacon jerky to write about, so stay tuned.)

General Mills Simply Fruit snacks

2011-11-13T06:00:00.000-05:00

The best surprise you could give Child Me was a packet of fruit snacks in my lunchbox. It was as close as you could get to giving me magic every lunch. Well, some things never change. I still love fruit snacks, but I'm a little more careful about them now. A lot of fruit snacks - while undeniably tasty - are also full of things that have nothing to do with fruit.

General Mills is changing that with their Simply Fruit line of fruit snacks.

The two varieties of Simply Fruit snacks that I've seen are Fruit Roll-Ups and Twists. The Fruit Roll-Ups are extremely reminiscent of the all natural fruit rolls that Dave used to get me when I was a kid. Child Me liked them more for their sticky, real-fruit taste instead of the plasticlike texture of regular brand name Fruit Roll-Ups, and these Simply Fruit ones are just like the offbrand organic ones he got me then, right down to the way they leave my hands sticky and a little gross feeling after I'm done eating them.

The Twists are a little easier to eat, because I can leave them in the wrapper as I nom them. These are also really good: full flavored and real tasting, almost overpoweringly fruity, and not at all sickeningly sweet.

The best part about these? They're the same price as their artificially flavored, plastic-y brethren. Each roll/twist is made of all natural ingredients with no bullshit or questionable qualities to them. Fruit juices and purees, fruit pectin, and natural flavor is all that goes into these babies, and it shows. The end result is a solid fruit snack that kids will like and grown ups can approve of. (And enjoy themselves if you're like me.)

Each roll has 50 calories; each twist has 60.

Wheat Thins Sweet Cinnamon

2011-11-12T09:00:00.000-05:00

Knowing how much we love Wheat Thins, Nabisco knew that we were perfect to take their limited-edition Sweet Cinnamon Wheat Thins for a test drive.

These are a perfect blend of sweet and salty. Think cinnamon-sugar toast with butter. Or Cinnamon Toast Crunch with salt. Or, you know, cinnamon rolls without icing.

You know what? Think of cinnamon. Think of salt. Now combine that with a tablespoon of awesome and think of Wheat Thins. These are great for snacking right out of the box, and especially fantastic when paired with a cheesecake dip or a small smear of vanilla icing. They're even good topped with a slice of cheddar. These little guys are versatile and perfect for the holidays.

Unfortunately, they're only available for a limited time, so get them while they're here.

Archway Cookies: Holiday Edition!

2011-11-11T16:01:00.000-05:00

Last year, the awesome folks at Archway sent us their line of holiday cookies to review. They were completely amazing, and this year, the generous folks at Archway has surprised us yet again with a sampling of their holiday cookies. We got them just before the snowstorm, so they were a delicious, sweet way to forget that we didn't have lights.

These cookies are just as delicious now as they were then. We were given a sampling of Wedding Cakes, Pfeffernusse, Iced Gingerbread, and Gingerbread Men.

The Wedding Cakes are almost as delicious as my grandmother's: a sugar-coated, melt-in-your-mouth treat studded with Brazil nuts and baked to perfection. These are definitely my favorite of the bunch, but then again, I'm biased - these cookies have a huge emotional connection attached to them.

Next up are the Pfeffernusse, which are slightly spicy and almost licorice-tasting with hints of cinnamon, cloves, and raisins (which is not at all surprising, seeing as there's raisin paste added to them.) Chewy and (also) rolled in powdered sugar, these are another delightful treat to have with coffee or tea.

Next, we have two variations on one of my favorite holiday cookies: gingerbread. Dave and I used to make gingerbread houses when I was a kid: huge, elaborate, Necco-wafer-shingled Victorian-esque houses with melted lollipop windows and Twizzler fences. (The best part was eating it.) But I digress. Archway's gingerbread cookies are just as good as any I can make, if not better. The crunchy gingerbread men are a perfect go-with for hot chocolate, and the softer iced gingerbread cookies practically scream wintertime at you as you eat them.

If you've never had any Archway holiday cookies, you're seriously missing out. They're truly "just like homemade" and are just as worthy of a spot at your holiday gatherings as the ones your family makes. Archway holiday cookies should be available at your local grocery store now.

We're Back! (Mostly)

2011-11-10T15:57:00.001-05:00

The power outage has been a pretty busy time for us. Not to worry, we have power back, and now that we're more or less settled back into normalcy, posts can start to be expected again. But Dave's been feeling a little under the weather and hasn't really had his mind on blogging, so until he's feeling better, you can expect to see a lot more posts from me than usual. I'll try to stay fairly constant with posts. Besides, there's a lot that needs talking about. So I hope you'll bear with me until Dave starts to get his blogging face back.

Power Outage Update

2011-11-01T19:55:00.002-04:00

Both Dave and I are sorry for a lack of updates recently; there's been a snowstorm that's knocked out our power. Until that comes back, there's not going to be a "real" post coming along. As it stands, I'm updating from a Barnes and Noble café. Rest assured, that when power comes back online, we'll be back with more updates.

Ed Hardy Rocks: Highly Caffeinated Chocolates

2011-10-27T10:06:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had chocolate-covered coffee beans? Starbucks sells them, and so do a lot of other, smaller coffee shops. Pop one in your mouth and you get delicious smooth chocolate, ability-enhancing caffeine, and a mouthful of nasty-assed coffee grinds, homemade by your very own teeth, which find their way to every nook and cranny of your mouth, providing you with endless opportunities to spit out cruddy black granules all day. It's a great idea - directly-ingestible chocolate-flavored coffee nuggets - but a horrible execution. (But feel free to tell me in the comments how much you love them and what an asshole I am.)

But there is a BETTER WAY: Ed Hardy Highly Caffeinated Chocolates.

Not too long ago, I got an email from Eat Hardy LLC, asking if I'd like a sample of their Ed Hardy Rocks caffeinated candy to try. Soon, there were small boxes of little round nuggets in my mailbox. Lynnafred, who is able to detect chocolate the way a bloodhound can detect a chain gang escapee, had placed the package on the dining room table and was still circling it when I got home from work.

"What are THESE?" she demanded in her Chocolate Voice.

"Chocolate Rocks and Coffee Rocks, caffeinated chocolates," I said. "Wanna try 'em?" Well, of course she wanted to try them, and so did I.

The Chocolate Rocks are smooth delicious chocolate, covered with a dark brown candy coating, and spiked with caffeine. Although firm enough to crunch when bitten, there's no graininess to the chocolate, which melts deliciously in the mouth with a rich flavor somewhere between milk and dark chocolate. Coffee Rocks are similar, but with a flavor more like mocha-tinged espresso, deep and slightly bitter. Lynnafred chose the Chocolate as her favorite; I was more partial to the coffee. Either way, they're high-quality confectionary, and you can enjoy them without filling your mouth with coffee grounds like some old percolator basket.

And what about the caffeine, you ask? Well, five Rocks carry the gentle eye-opening properties of a single cup of Joe, but there are more than five Rocks in a box. I forget just how many, unfortunately, but let's just say it's a good-sized handful. And the people at Eat Hardy LLC are refreshingly up-front with their nutritional information. They know that most people aren't going to stop at five candies, especially when using them as a delicious way to pull an all-nighter, so they come right out and say that the serving size is "1 box." Good for them, it's about time there was some common sense out there.

Yes, these are totally eye-opening and awesome. You can find them, I presume, at any of the Ed Hardy stores sprinkled around the country, or you can order them online (click here.)

McDonald's Sausage McMuffin with Egg AND BACON

2011-10-21T09:34:00.000-04:00

I noticed a smallish sign dangling from the menu display at my local McDonald's last week: Add Bacon To Any Sandwich: 99 Cents. That has some serious potential for dietary abuse. Imagine, if you will, a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese and Bacon.

Though I rarely eat anything other than breakfast at McDonald's, that sign was still highly relevant to my interests. So this morning, when I stopped to pick up the best breakfast sandwich on the planet, a Sausage McMuffin With Egg, I decided to BACONIZE IT.

"Sausage McMuffin with Egg, please. And add bacon to it."

The woman behind the counter looked a little surprised. "You want to add bacon to that? Really?"

"Yes," I replied. "I'm crazy. Please do it or I will stand here and bark like a dog."

She laughed and keyed the order in.

I did not think it possible to improve upon a Sausage McMuffin with Egg. I was wrong. This sandwich was BORN TO BEAR BACON. The smoky umami of the bacon pairs perfectly with the egg, of course, but also highlights and enriches the already-outstanding flavor of the sausage. If you already like Sausage McMuffins with Egg, you should add bacon to it at least once to experience this awesomeness for yourself.

And McDonald's, I say to you: Offer a Sausage McMuffin With Bacon And Egg as a regular menu item. It's amazing (and I don't ever use that word lightly because it's trite and overplayed.) Just remember it was my idea and I'll expect at least a sweetly-loaded Arch Card for my troubles.

Chef's Cupboard Canned Broths by ALDI

2011-10-20T21:33:00.001-04:00

I'm not a big fan of canned broths - most of them taste like salty, flavorless water. Nevertheless, there are times when I don't have the time or enthusiasm to make broth or stock from scratch and have to use a prepared product. For the past few months, that product has been Chef's Cupboard, the house brand sold by ALDI.

I discovered it completely by accident. Last winter, I went on a make-my-own-doggie-treat kick. Most recipes for homemade dog treats are basically low-sugar cookies that use beef or chicken broth for flavoring. As much as I love my dogs, there was no way I was going to use expensive Wolfgang Puck organic roasted chicken broth to make dog treats. So I started looking for a cheap alternative, and that led me to ALDI, because virtually every time I've bought an ALDI brand of anything, it's been great. And there, right by the soups at the local ALDI, was Chef's Cupboard chicken broth and beef broth. I picked up a couple cans of each and went home to make the dog biscuits.

And of course, I couldn't resist taking a sip of each of the broths as I used them.

Damn. They were good.

Since then, I've used both the chicken and the beef broths a few times, always with good results. You can use them straight up to make a quick soup, or pour them into a dutch oven for three hours of braising a batch of short ribs (the broths don't have so much salt that a long cooking time makes your dish too salty to eat.)

So, I guess you could call this a combination review and recommendation. It's yet another good, solid, inexpensive product from ALDI.

McDonald's Brings Back The McRib

2011-10-19T10:21:00.000-04:00

Pining for the pseudoporky deliciousness that is the McDonald's McRib sandwich? You can now satisfy that longing: McDonald's has announced that the McRib is coming back for another limited engagement. It will be available from now until December 31, which is pretty cool because that means McRIBS FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER.

Props to Leeanne Griffin at ctnow.com's A LaCarte page for the initial heads-up.

Correction: My original information was incorrect - McRibs will only be around until mid-November. Sadly, that means you'll be stuck making turkey again for Thanksgiving. Sorry for getting your hopes up.

Assorted Mexican Candy

2011-10-17T23:19:00.000-04:00

Left to right: Duvalin, Pica Fresa, Mangopers lollipops

So, the other day I made this huge mistake and bought an assortment of Mexican candy from T J Maxx. It didn't seem like it would be such a bad idea - didn't look all that bad, and the ingredients promised spicy chile peppers! (Yes, I have a weakness for hot spice, and the spice/sweet combo was just very appealing.)

Unfortunately, the three candies I brought home became the Trifecta of Disappointment.

Duvalin Bi Sabor Strawberry-Vanilla is advertised as a "cream candy." It comes in little tubs, with little plastic sticks to aid consumption. The closest I can come to describing it is "cheap frosting." It was exactly as if I had bought little sample containers of pre-made cake frosting. This, of course, is not unheard of in North American supermarkets (Betty Crocker makes Dunkaroos, which are nothing but a small serving of cookies and a tiny tub of frosting to dunk them in. But at least there are cookies there to somewhat cut the frosting jolt.) Knowing that Duvalin Bi Sabor is so frostingesque should tell you just about all you need to know about it. I can't really condemn it - there are plenty of people who would just love the stuff - but I kind of expected something more along the lines of a taffy, so there ya go.

Pica Fresa are little balls of individually wrapped starch gum rolled in "hot" chili powder. They taste kind of like what you'd get if you coated Twizzlers in cayenne pepper (but took away much of the heat.) They would have been better if they were hotter. And a little chewier.

Mangopers mango flavored lollipops were the absolute worst of the bunch, by a huge margin, given their utter horridness. They appeared to be made of mango-flavored hard candy coated in ground chile pepper, but honestly, I'll never know. The coating was so nasty - the stalest possible chile powder seemingly blended with a heavy dose of salt - that I never even made it to the candy within. Truly bad stuff.

Never again.

Cascal Sample Pack Winners!

2011-10-17T06:36:00.002-04:00

We have chosen the three winners of our Cascal Fermented Soda giveaway, which was sponsored by the good folks at Cascal. Each winner will receive a selection of Cascal's delicious fermented sodas to try out, as well as an insulated lunchbag cooler in which to transport them to the winner's preferred Beverage Consumption Event.

The Winners Are:

Jodi Henley

Elle from Elle's New England Kitchen

Meg Erwin

Each of them will receive their prize package directly from Cascal!

About the Drawing:

There were 30 entries, via email and Facebook comment. Winners were chosen by the "Third Party Draw Service" at RANDOM.ORG to ensure a truly blind and random draw. If you entered the drawing, you may confirm that your entry was actually in participation by following this link. You will need to enter your "identifier" for confirmation. If you entered via email, your identifier will be your email address. If you entered via Facebook, it will be your Facebook name.

Thank you to everyone who entered, and congratulations to the three winners!

What...the...HELL??

2011-10-15T16:53:00.000-04:00

This was in the markdown bin at Stop & Shop - presumably because one of them was missing, and not because textured cock-shaped rubber toys are slow sellers.

The illustration on the box doesn't even make an attempt at subtlety.

Morris Farm in Agawam MA - The Best-Kept Secret In The Pioneer Valley

2011-10-15T11:58:00.000-04:00

If you're one of my local readers - living in the Northern Connecticut / Springfield MA area - and you're a fan of local produce, there's a place you should know about: Morris Farm on Rowley Street.

Morris Farm is the oldest continually-operating farm in Agawam, set back on a surprisingly rural road in what is now a very suburbanized area. In the spring, they sell flowers and plants. Through the summer, they offer fresh veggies like tomatoes, peppers, eggplant, and sweet corn. And now, with the fall harvest in full swing, they have awesome heads of cabbage, late corn and tomatoes, and a variety of winter squash.

Every year, I like to buy a bigass load of winter squash at local farmstands and put it by for the winter. Butternut, acorn, and hubbard squash all keep well, and if it starts to look a little iffy (by, oh, January or so) Maryanne and I will process and freeze what we haven't eaten. Morris Farm is just the place to get your squash if you live around here - they're selling 12-count-em-12 winter squashes, your choice, for $8.00. That is an incredibly good deal.

Morris Farms squashes: From left to right: Butternut, Red Kuri, Spaghetti, and Acorn.

I went a little hogwild here this morning, buying a sugarbaby watermelon, a few plump eggplant, a dozen ear of late-season corn, some cabbage, and of course a dozen assorted squash. Wound up filling the back seat of Maryanne's Explorer for a little over twenty bucks.

I'm sorry I didn't know about the place earlier in the year. I'll definitely be going back in the spring to see what's on offer, and I think it would make an interesting series to stop in every few weeks during the growing season to check what's for dinner.

How to find them:

Rowley Street runs between Springfield Street (Rte 147) and Suffield Street (Rte 75) in Agawam, MA. The farm is directly at the bend in the road. You can't miss their hand-painted signs, and the greenhouses are visible from the street.

Cute Lobsters Taste Good

2011-10-13T05:13:00.001-04:00

A newspaper ad for a local restaurant.

Cascal Fermented Soda Revisited

2011-10-12T08:50:00.000-04:00

Back in September, I reviewed Cascal Fermented Natural Soda - specifically, the bottled Light Red version, which I enjoyed for it's refreshing fruity dryness. Not too long ago, the folks at Cascal got in touch with me and asked if I'd like to review their new line of fermented sodas, which are being offered in slender 12-ounce cans. I agreed, and they sent along a Cascal Lunch Pack - a five-flavor sampler of Cascal sodas and a cool little lunchbag cooler - for me to try out.

Now, I never really thought I'd say this about a soda, but I admit I'm rather impressed by the depth of flavor and complexity of Cascal's offerings. Soda pops these days are usually a blend of sticky-sweet syrup and fizzy water and there are few other options. There are some small-batch crafted root beers out there with rich and interesting flavors, but they're still really sweet. And there are plenty of unsweetened seltzers available, but the flavors are simple and sometimes uninspired. Cascal does a great job of putting together a soft drink with a decidedly adult appeal - a light, dry, and almost wine-like flavor developed by fermenting the fruit juice ingredients, flavorful without any added sugars, and lightly carbonated.

Here's what I thought of each of Cascal's canned flavors. Read to the end of the post, and I'll tell you how you can win a Cascal Lunch Pack of your very own!

Crisp White (Pear/Apricot/Magnolia) - A gently floral scent with a snappy pear flavor and just a hint of apricot overtones. Fruity and dry. I found it very refreshing. This was one of three blends that strongly reminded me of wine - Crisp White is kind of like a Riesling. Cascal suggests enjoying it with Brie or strawberry ice cream. I drank it with roasted chicken and it was delicious.

Ripe Rouge (Cherry/Rose/Chocolate) - Distinctively floral nose but with just a hint of rosy flavor. Cherry and stone fruit flavors yield to a phantom chocolate finish. The flavor profile reminded me of Merlot. It was great with a grilled cheeseburger.

Fresh Tropical (Mango/Jasmine/Kaffir Lime) - I'd describe this as a "dry mango" soda with a pleasantly tart lime finish. The label mentions jasmine, but I just didn't taste it - perhaps it was too subtle for me. Still, it was deliciously different and it was awesome with the pork rib tips I roasted for kind of an impromptu BBQ snack.

Bright Citrus (Lemongrass/Tangerine/Pineapple) - Probably my favorite of them all. Dry tangerine/pineapple flavor is well-balanced but leans a bit to the tangerine. Still, both flavors are distinct and distinguishable and I loves me some pineapple soda. Very crisp and quenching. Bright Citrus makes for an awesome rejuvenator after a few hours of early autumn yard work.

Berry Cassis (Black currant/Tangerine/Lemon) - Slightly citrus nose with rich black currant, cherry, and blackberry flavors. This was the third of the "winey" flavors, reminding me of Cabernet sauvignon. It held up well to a grilled steak.

It's easy for me to recommend Cascal Fermented Sodas. Despite my somewhat snarky first review of them last time, I really do think they have a good product, and one that there is a definite need for: An adult-oriented beverage that's a little more complicated than high-fructose corn syrup and water. Cascal has done it, and done a good job of it.

You don't have to take my word for it, you know. Cascal has generously offered to sponsor a giveaway here at the Cupboard.

WIN A CASCAL LUNCH PACK AND TASTE 'EM FOR YOURSELF!

Three lucky winners will each receive a Cascal insulated lunch bag and a five-can sampler of Cascal Fermented Soda.

There are two ways you can enter:

Use the Contact Me tab near the top of the page and send me a message telling me you'd like to win some Cascal.
Go to Dave's Cupboard on Facebook and comment on the status update that mentions the contest.

THREE WINNERS will be selected at random on MONDAY, OCTOBER 17. Your entry must be received by 11:59 PM, Sunday October 16th in order to qualify. Don't wait for the last minute - I'm not responsible for misdirected or unreceived email. ONE ENTRY per person, please.

Should you win, your prize will be sent to you directly from Cascal.

Dat Lunchbag

Shameless Plug

2011-10-05T15:16:00.000-04:00

If you ask my daughter Lynnafred what her earliest memory is, she'll tell you, "The time Dad was locked in the freezer."

She was about two years old, and we were grocery shopping at Edwards, a now-defunct store in Enfield. At the end of one of the frozen food gondolas, they had a large stand-up freezer case for bagged ice. It happened to be empty the day that we were there. I was walking on ahead of the wimmins - Lynnafred in the toddler seat of the shopping carriage Maryanne was pushing. I stepped into the freezer and waited, and as they came around the corner I pressed my hands and face to the glass and called out, "Maryanne! Help! Help me!"

Maryanne (briefly) looked surprised, but Lynnafred's reaction was awesome - an initial look of shock and then total, uncontrollable laughter - an "I BROKE YOU!" kind of laughter.

All of her life, I've tried to give her unique, challenging, and - most of all - stupidly funny experiences. She's grown into a exceptional human: confident, adventurous, curious, creative, and with a rare outlook on life that's part wonder and part cynical. She's been a writer since she could hold a pencil, and you've read some of her food and pop culture reviews here on Dave's Cupboard.

She's got a blog of her own: A Porchful of Geezers, where she's been posting book and video game reviews and, most recently, some of her more general writing. Check it out.

Vintage Marshmallow Fluff Jar

2011-10-04T08:12:00.001-04:00

On weekends, I haunt estate sales. Some people look for jewelry, others go for rare books or vintage clothing. I usually check out the kitchen first and then head for the cellar or garage - wherever there might be a workshop. I have an old house, and I love discovering a handyman's cache of old repair/maintenance supplies that I can buy for use here. Most of the time, no one else is ever interested in that kind of stuff, and there is a significant quality difference in switches, light sockets, and other hardware that was made fifty or sixty years ago in the factories of Connecticut and New York over the flimsier stuff that now flows from overseas.

Anyway, last Saturday, down in the workshop of a house in Longmeadow, I found this awesome old 1940's Fluff jar (filled with pushbutton and toggle switches.) Too cool.

Burger King Onion Rings

2011-10-02T05:00:00.000-04:00

Burger King's onion rings are on their "value menu" for a buck. They'd be too expensive at half of that.

Right out of the fryer, they're tolerable I guess, but the second they start cooling down the quality starts dropping sharply. They have a slippery mouthfeel, they have an artificial salt/onion powder flavor, and the grease coats the inside of the mouth.

I can't figure out why they're so damn bad. They're made from real sliced onions as far as I can tell, and they've got a fairly standard crumb coating. And yet, they're far and away the worst thing on the menu.

What's worse, I already knew all of that when I ordered them, so I have no one but myself to blame for giving them a second chance.

Because You Don't Poop Correctly

2011-10-01T11:30:00.000-04:00

"Digestive Health" products are everywhere. The most famous, I guess, is Dannon's Activia brand yogurt, with ads starring Jamie Lee Curtis as The Poop Lady. And now the Jolly Green Giant jumps in the shit with DIGESTIVE HEALTH VEGETABLES.

"I'm so proud of that last one that
I left it in the bowl for you to admire."

Yeah, that's definitely the smile of someone who takes regularly-scheduled dumps. I bet when he pinches one off, it's the size of a redwood.

Harvesting Black Walnuts

2011-09-30T21:01:00.001-04:00

My house was built by Maryanne's grandfather in 1926. We have pictures of it, standing new and proud, surrounded by...nothing, for even though we live in the middle of a densely populated area today, in the 1920's this was farmland, only two blocks away from downtown Thompsonville.

Today, on the south side of the house, just the other side of the driveway, stands a magnificent old black walnut tree. It's somewhere around fifty years old or so, wide enough around that I can't embrace it, and taller than the peak of the house. In our family, no one alive today knows how it got there - whether it was planted, or grew from a seedling, unnoticed and unmolested until it was too large to bother with. There are several disadvantages to having a black walnut so close. They're filthy bastard trees that make a mess around them - twigs are always falling, and they have enormous compound leaves radiate from a stem that is heavy enough to be a twig in its own right. Anything the leaves or fruit touch gets stained black and that includes the paint on my truck. And the tree itself emits a chemical compound called juglone, which poisons the ground around the tree and prevents many other plant species from growing well. Juglone is present in every bit of the tree and, while harmless to humans, can be deadly to horses and dogs - even to the point that black walnut shavings shouldn't be used in animal bedding. And it ensures that I have to bag up the rakings from under the tree and put them out at the curb for the town to pick up (all my other yard waste is composted out back.)

For all that though, I enjoy my black walnut tree. It's large, spreading, and handsome and provides a lot of shade in the summer which keeps the house cooler (south side, remember?) And then there are the walnuts.

Once upon a time, black walnuts were more common than English walnuts in New England. They have a richer and deeper flavor than English walnuts and today they are very pricey when you can find them for sale commercially. Because the heavy, dense wood is prized for things like furniture and gunstocks, black walnut trees are a lot less common now than they once were (though small stands of them are still found here and there.) I have a feeling that these days, more black walnuts are harvested by foragers like me (and squirrels) than by the commercial segment.

Right now - late fall - is the time to be gathering and processing the nuts. By now, most of the nuts have fallen to the ground, and the ones still on the trees can be easily shaken loose. And so, I present to you this primer about how to gather and process black walnuts. Beware: it's a lot of work.

First of all, before I say anything else: If you intend to go through with this, be aware that it is MESSY. Before you go forward, get a good pair of heavy rubber gloves to protect your hands from the juices produced by hulling and handling the nuts. Black walnut juice is initially kind of a yellowy-green, but it quickly oxides to a dark brown, and it PERMANENTLY STAINS clothing, processing materials, and - especially - skin. Seriously. The first time I did this stuff, I used some shitty disposable nitrile gloves while hulling the nuts. The gloves leaked and I ended up with deeply stained brown hands that stayed that way for weeks.

OK, here we go:

1. Harvesting the nuts

Black walnuts, ripening on the tree, look like slightly small green tennis balls. While they are green, they are immature and the nuts within will be of inferior quality. About in the middle of September, the tree's leaves will start falling and the nuts will finally be ripe enough to harvest. The hulls turn a lighter color - sort of yellowish green, and will develop brown spots. And you will easily be able to dent the hull by pressing it with your thumb. Gather the newly-fallen nuts from the ground or pick them from the tree at this point. Gather as many as you care to process, and as long as you don't mind the work, you will never have too many. It takes about a pound of unshelled nuts to make a cup of nutmeats.

2. Removing the Hulls

Here's where those gloves are essential.

The hull is a little tough, but it cracks open easily. An easy way to do it is to simply put the nuts on a hard surface like a sidewalk and step on them. The hull will split open and you can remove the nut. Put the nuts in a bucket and put the hulls in a trash bag for disposal. Don't leave them out where your dog will find them and chew them, and don't compost them, remember?

Other ways you can remove the hulls:

- My favorite way it to put the nuts on the dropped tailgate of my truck and press them with the heel of my (gloved) hand. It works just as well as stepping on them and seems faster.

- Fill your driveway with nuts and drive back and forth over them until all the hulls are split. Your car tires will do nothing to harm the actual nut, but will split and remove the hulls. Don't laugh. There are several agricultural extension offices that actually recommend this.

3. Washing the Hulled Nuts

Keep your gloves on. Put the hulled nuts into a pail or bucket and spray them well with the garden hose. When the bucket fills up with water, agitate it so the nuts knock and rub up against each other - this will help remove the remaining hull fibers. A few nuts might float to the top of the water - those are no good; pick them out and throw them out. Pour off the water (which will be stained dark brown) and refill the bucket and repeat the process. After three or four times, the water will start running clear and the nuts are clean enough to cure.

4. Curing

The nuts need to thoroughly dry and cure for two weeks or so before they can be shelled and stored. They should be spread out with plenty of air circulation in a cool, dry place out of direct sunlight. Traditionally, black walnuts were put into loosely-woven burlap sacks and hung from the rafters of the attic. However, I prefer to set up an old screen door on a couple of sawhorses in my cellar and spread the nuts out on them to dry, but there are other methods you can use if you don't happen to have an old screen door or some burlap sacks handy. You can spread them no more than a couple layers deep on racks, or put them in wicker baskets according to some sources. In a few weeks, they'll look like the picture to the left, and they'll be ready to shell and store.

5. Shelling and Storage

Black walnuts are damn hard to crack. They have a thick shell, and they are nearly impossible to break with handheld nutcrackers - and even most lever-action crackers will quickly become destroyed trying to break them open. You can hit them with a hammer (which has to be done carefully to avoid smashing the nutmeats to tiny bits) or you can slowly squeeze them in a bench vise until they split. Best of all, though, is a device called the Master Nut Cracker, invented by a gentleman named Gerald Gardner in Sarcoxie, MO and made in the USA from very high-quality parts. This cracker, which Mr. Gardner sells on eBay and from his website, has the muscle required to split all sorts of very tough-shelled nuts like black walnuts, butternuts, hickories, and macadamias.

The Master Nut Cracker. Photo by Gerald Gardner.

After the nuts have been shelled, pick the nutmeats from them and store them in the refrigerator. They'll keep in the fridge for three months or so, but remember that nutmeats are filled with oil that easily goes rancid, so they won't keep forever. For long term storage, nutmeats should be frozen.

I told you it was a lot of work. But I think it's worth it.

A Sack Of Frozen Pancakes???

2011-09-28T05:00:00.000-04:00

Really, now...is it that difficult to make pancakes?

No, of course it isn't. And homemade pancakes are a small fraction of the price of bagged, and they taste better, and they don't take all that much time to whip up.

Now, you really should have a pancake recipe somewhere in your recipe collection, but just in case you don't, here's the one Maryanne uses. It's easy to remember, too, because the ingredients are "a symphony of ones."

Maryanne's Pancakes
Makes about 10 4-inch pancakes
Recipe may be doubled

1 cup of flour

1 tablespoon of sugar

1 tablespoon baking powder

1 egg, beaten

1 cup of milk

2 tablespoons vegetable oil

In a large bowl, stir the flour, sugar, and baking powder together. In a smaller bowl, beat the egg, milk, and oil together. Stir the milk mixture into the flour mixture with a fork just long enough to make a smooth batter. Set it aside for a few minutes to allow the baking powder to start to work.

Heat up a skillet until drops of water flicked off your fingers onto the skillet dance around and sizzle. If you have a non-stick or well-seasoned cast iron skillet, you will not need any grease, otherwise grease the skillet lightly. Pour batter by the ladle onto the skillet and allow the pancakes to cook until the edges are kind of dry and the top surface is studded with little bubble craters. Turn the pancakes and cook briefly to brown off the top.

Blueberry option: After the batter is mixed, stir in half a cup or more of blueberries.

Doritos Creator Arch West Dies at Age 97

2011-09-27T09:07:00.000-04:00

Photo courtesy of the West family.

Arch West was a marketing vice president for Frito Lay, Inc. in 1964 when he took a family vacation to San Diego that would change the snack food industry forever.

Hungry for road munchies, the family pulled up to a roadside stand and bought a bag of tortillas which had been cut up and fried to greasy, crispy awesomeness. Arch knew with one bite that he had stumbled upon an epic snack.

Back on the job, Arch pitched his idea to his corporate overlords: a thin tortilla chip - heartier than the company's best-selling Lays Potato Chips, lighter than Frito's Corn Chips. The company was skeptical, but when they agreed to do some consumer testing and found that the chips were very well-received, the new snack dubbed Doritos were introduced to California test markets in 1966. They were so popular that Frito Lay rolled them out nationwide in 1967, and Doritos have been unstoppable ever since.

Today's Doritos are a little different than the originals. Besides being available in a wide variety of regular flavors, Frito Lay brings out a stream of special flavors and packages every year. And in a mid-1990's revamp of the recipe, the chips were made a little thinner, a little larger, and given rounded corners.

Mr. West was born in Indianapolis in 1914 and graduated Franklin College where he was a member of the Delta Rho fraternity. He served as a Lieutenant in the US Navy during WW2 and worked in advertising on Madison Avenue in NY before being lured to Texas by the Frito Company, which offered him a vice presidency in marketing. After retirement, he and his late wife Charlotte served as volunteers on his local FEMA's disaster relief team. He's survived by three sons, two daughters, and eighteen grand- and great-grandchildren. The family plans an October 1 service and burial, and daughter Jana Hacker says the family plans to sprinkle the grave with Doritos before lowering his remains to rest.

View Mr. West's obituary on legacy.com here.

Various news stories were used as sources for this post.

Marie Callender's Baking Mixes: Honey Butter Corn Bread

2011-09-25T20:39:00.000-04:00

I bought an assortment of Marie Callender's baking mixes a little while ago - back when the weather cooled down and I thought that autumn was finally here and I'd be running the oven more. Here it is a week later, and it's been kind of warm and humid again, much more like summer, and I only had time to make one of the mixes before the weather turned. So I've decided to review the mixes one at a time, as we make them, rather than go on a baking bender and review all of them at once. This review - for Marie Callender's Honey Butter Corn Bread Mix - will be the first of four reviews over the coming weeks.

First, though, let me explain a little about the difference between Northern corn bread and Southern corn bread.

Northern-style (or New England style, if you prefer) corn bread is generally moist, rather dense, and somewhat on the sweet side. Some of my Southern friends have described it as being more like a cake. I never thought of it as particularly sweet - at least, it wasn't all that sweet the way my mother made hers, but it is certainly sweeter than most Southern recipes.

Southern-style cornbread calls for less sugar, has a drier and more delicate texture, and crumbles more easily.

Which variety you prefer seems to depend entirely upon where you grew up and what kind of cornbread your mother made. Serving a pan of each variety to a mixed crowd of Yankees and Southerners can be a real hoot: the Southerners mock the Northern corn bread for being a cakey dessert, while the Northerners choke and grab for glasses of milk to wash down "that dry-ass Southern stuff."

Now, the reason I've gone off on such a long tangent about types of corn bread is because Marie Callender's Corn Bread Mix produces a dense, sweet, and very moist corn bread - Northern style - and I want to forewarn Southern readers that they might want to skip it because it's not going to be anything like you've come to expect. On the other hand, it's wicked easy to whip up - just add water to the mix and stir, then pour the batter into an 8 x 8-inch brownie pan and bake - and it makes quite an excellent corn bread (to my New England palate.)

Speaking of tangents:

As far as I can tell, there are at least three entities out there in Corporate Food Land, operating more or less independently under the Marie Callender's name:

The original California restaurant chain, Marie Callender's Restaurant and Bakery
A line of frozen foods produced under license and made since 1993 by ConAgra, who purchased the frozen food company and retained the rights to the name, and
Marie Callender's Gourmet Products, which make the baking mixes.

Other than the name, I don't think the companies have much in common. It's all very confusing.

Rob's Really Good Beverages Are Really Just So-So

2011-09-24T19:35:00.000-04:00

So, back in June I wrote a review of Rob's Really Good Chocolate, and found it not only Really Ordinary, but also really dickish for calling itself "life changing." In the comments, a representative of Rob's offered to send me some of their beverages to review to see if they could make me stop thinking they're douchebags for claiming that their overpriced processed food products are "life changing." I didn't take them up on that offer - I went out and bought a selection of Rob's Really Good drinks on my own.

My selection, from left to right: Blueberry Iced Tea, Agave Mate, Iced Tea with Lemon, and something called, I shit you not, "Drink Your Salad."

Blueberry Iced Tea wasn't bad. The blueberry and black tea flavors were well balanced and it was adequately sweetened. There's no actual blueberries or juice in it, though, just something called "blueberry essence" and otherwise-unnamed "natural flavors." Overall it was no better or worse than other flavored teas we've had.

Agave Mate - Stripped of their starry-eyed marketing, mate is just another crumbled dried leaf and agave syrup is nothing more than fructose syrup made from a cactus. So it should come as no surprise that if you don't buy into all the nonsense that's been written about the ingredients, Rob's Really Good Agave Mate tastes like Really Nothing Special Sweet Tea.

Iced Tea with Lemon was, well, iced tea with lemon. Like the other teas, there was nothing singular or exceptional about it - if you've had Arizona or Peace Tea or home-brewed iced tea, you already know what to expect.

Okay, now it's time for the star of the show, Drink Your Salad, which is labeled as "Celery, Pear & Spinach Light Salad Drink." It sounds almost horrifying, and indeed Lynnafred took one look at it and said, "Dad, this one is right up your alley and I don't want anything to do with it." All the way home from the store, we speculated on what it might taste like. Celery was listed first - would it taste like an uncarbonated version of Cel-Ray soda? Or would it be more spinachy? Or maybe it would be like pear juice but with a strange vegetable backnote? We opened it and took nervous, tentative sips, and found that it was a perfectly ordinary, somewhat bland, pear-flavored sugarwater that was completely lacking in any kind of vegetative character at all.

Note the added citric acid,
without which there would be
approximately 0% dv Vitamin C

And no wonder. The primary ingredients are purified water and cane sugar. The juices in the drink - pear juice concentrate, sweet potato juice concentrate, spinach juice concentrate, celery juice concentrate, and carrot juice concentrate - comprise less than 2% of the total blend (or about 1½ teaspoons worth per 14 ounce bottle) and are further overwhelmed by the natural pear flavor added. Seriously: Less than 2% veggie juices, it tastes like nothing but cheapass pear Kool-Aid, and Rob's Really Good calls it a Light Salad Drink? That is some heavyweight marketing bullshit right there.

Just like the chocolate, these beverages are labeled "Life Changing," While I'm sure Rob's life has been changed by his company's success, the hubris and entitlement of bottling mediocrity and then elevating it to the level of, say, losing your virginity or holding your grandmother's hand through her last breath (both of which are actually life changing) still makes him a douchebag.

Loathesome People on Extreme Couponing

2011-09-21T10:02:00.000-04:00

Screen cap from TLC's Extreme Couponing

Says Extreme Couponer Michele from North Carolina: "Yes, I'm a shelf clearer...You should have beat me to the store. Sorry! tee hee hee"

Beat you to the store? No thanks. It would be far more satisfying to beat you to the curb, bitch.

Cascal Light Red Fermented Natural Soda

2011-09-21T06:58:00.000-04:00

Chances are you've heard about Cascal Fermented Soda kind of recently, what with Bizarre Foods host Andrew Zimmern helping to promote them and all. I'd heard of it, but not tried it yet. Cascal is a Whole Foods kind of company, and I'm really not a Whole Foods kinda guy.

So when I found Cascal at my local downmarket Big Lots, I grabbed a four-pack so I could check out what all the buzz is about. Although Cascal has a variety of pretentiously-named flavors (the names are designed to be evocative of wine, so there's an apple flavor called "Fine Dry," a honey and malt flavor called "Fine Dark," a cherry/chocolate/rose flavor named "Ripe Rouge," and so on) only the "Light Red" was on the shelf. On the front label, Light Red claims "notes of Black Currant and Mirabelle."

Most of the time, when you think of "fermentation," you think of alcohol (or spoilage, right?) Cascal's fermentation develops flavor, but the drink is non-alcoholic. It's kind of a wine-ish flavored sody-pop.

But it's obvious with the very first sip that this is no ordinary sody-pop. There is no sugary sweetness, only a dry and crisp flavor of red summer fruit with a slightly tart aftertaste. The carbonation gives Cascal a bit of fizz, but it's light compared with Coke and Pepsi's belch engines. Maryanne and I both found it to be snappy and refreshing - much more so than heavier sugary pops.

The back label tells the story. Cascal is 19% juice, and the ingredient panel lists no preservatives, no added sugar, no added acids - nothing but sparkling water, fermented barley malt, and a variety of different fruit juices (almost all of them from concentrate, and most of them fermented.) The final result is sparkly, fruity and quenching, and only 60 calories for the bottle (compare that to 140 calories for the same amount of Coca-Cola.)

Cascal Light Red is pretty good stuff. I might even try some of the other flavors.

New Wheat Thins Smoky BBQ Flavor

2011-09-19T07:10:00.001-04:00

Nabisco is introducing a new Wheat Thins flavor this week - it shows up in stores today - called Wheat Thins Smoky BBQ. A couple of weeks ago, Nabisco sent us a sample for review, and we've been chomping on them ever since.

They're good. Really good. Surprisingly good, actually, because I don't usually like BBQ flavored snack crunchies and yet Wheat Thins Smoky BBQ won me over with well-balanced spices and flavorings and a subtle waft of smoke. (This is such a contrast to most barbecue-flavored chips which tend to kick you in the mouth with a ton of tomato powder and really cheap, strong smoke flavor.) Beware, though: if you are a die-hard anti-BBQ-flavorist, they might not be for you. In an informal guys-around-the-break-table-at-work test, seven guys loved them, two liked them, and two said they didn't like stuff that tasted like smoke. (Take this study with a greain of salt however, because it's well known that you can take anything at all even remotely edible to the company breakroom, put it out on a table, and the vultures you work with will have it stripped to a skeleton within minutes.)

Despite this universal appeal, out-of-the-box snacking is not where Wheat Thins shine. As thin and crunchy as they are, they're still a cracker and the Smoky BBQ variety is especially well-suited for enhancement. Cheese especially, whether it's a dab of cream cheese, a squirt of aerosol Easy Cheese, or a slice of spicy pepper jack, Smoky BBQ Wheat Thins and cheese are a natural together. They're pretty awesome paired with a hearty dip, too.

Anyway, today's the official release date. GET SOME.

Pop-Tarts Mini Crisps

2011-09-17T18:55:00.001-04:00

Bought on a lark at Big Lots!: Pop-Tarts Mini Crisps. They're thin, crispy little cookies made to resemble tiny Pop-Tarts - the frosting is there, but instead of a filling, the cookies are studded with little flavor bits. And they taste exactly like Pop-Tarts. Seriously.

This may not appeal to you, but it certainly does to me, because I really like Pop-Tarts. And the packaging - little 100-calorie packets - appeal to Lynnafred, because she can drop one in her purse and have a light snack between classes at school.

It's National Milkshake Day!

2011-09-12T12:12:00.002-04:00

You know what that means, right?

Well, it might mean something entirely different for you. For me, and Holyoke Community College, that means that today is Free Smoothie/Milkshake Day, sponsored by our Student Activities office and the folks at f'real Milkshakes and their rolling Milkshake Wagon. (Note: I have no idea if it's really called the Milkshake Wagon. It just sounded good.)

If you had been in line with me, you would have heard
students of all ages grumbling about wanting
that damn smoothie "NOW, DAMMIT."

f'real milkshakes started showing up this semester in HCC's cafeteria at a whopping $3.79 a pop, but you can find them using f'real's store finder and they'll cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $2.50.

So, are these milkshakes any good? In a word, yes. Creamy, smooth, and made with a thickness that you get to choose, these shakes start with ice cream in a cup and are blended to the way you want them. (More or less, of course. There's three settings to choose from: less thick, regular, and more thick. Less thick is a little runny, regular is like a standard milkshake, and more thick is more like the still-mostly-ice-cream 'shakes you get at McDonalds.)

Their smoothies are even better. Creamy, fruity, and subtly sweet, the smoothies are my favorite of the bunch. Made the same way as the shakes are, plug them into the machine, select your thickness, and away you go.

The smoothies and shakes are made with a standalone, ready-to-use blender that operates with a fully integrated LCD touchscreen. Its sensors know when you've placed a milkshake cup in it, and bring up the prompt for thickness. Select what you're craving, and that's it. Sometimes the screen plays an animation, sometimes it does something else like give company history or little trivia bits. Either way, in about 45 seconds, the machine is done and so is your shake. And the blender is self-cleaning after every blend, so you never have to worry about cross-shake contamination.

But seriously, with ten regular flavors from milkshakes to smoothies to frozen cappuccinos, and two limited edition flavors (Reese's peanut butter cup and mint chocolate) you really can't go wrong. You'll have a tasty smoothie or shake every time.

So go out there and celebrate National Milkshake Day. Go get a f'real shake and go make yourself happy.

Links:
f'real Main Website - the epicenter of delicious frozen drinks

Disclaimer: This is NOT a sponsored post. I'm not being paid by f'real Milkshakes for advertisement, or by Holyoke Community College. I just freaking LOVE milkshakes.

Mexican Coca-Cola

2011-09-10T07:00:00.000-04:00

Look what I found in my local ShopRite store today: Mexican Coca-Cola! This is very cool - previously, the only place around here where Mexican Coke is sold was Costco (cheaper than ShopRite, I will admit, but at Costco one can only buy the stuff by the case whereas at a grocery store you can buy singles.)

Anyway, there are a ton of people like me who remember what Coca-Cola is supposed to taste like, and the corn-syrup-sweetened swill they peddle to Americans these days ain't it. Prior to the mid-1980's, The Real Thing was made with sugar. Nowadays, the only way to get Coke with sugar is to wait until Passover and stock up on the specially made Kosher for Passover variety, or to buy Coca-Cola imported from Mexico.

But it isn't just the taste that's nostalgic about MexiCoke. The real glass bottles retain the classic Coke shape and pale-green tint, and they have to be cracked with an opener - there are no twist-tops on these babies.

If there's a store near you selling Mexican Coke, pick up a bottle and do your own taste test. See if you can tell the difference between the two, and see which one you prefer.

Brew Review: Boddingtons Pub Ale

2011-09-08T13:00:00.000-04:00

I'm not really all that much of a beer drinker, and when I do it's usually a lager, pilsner, or IPA. But my brother-in-law Nick had been gifted with a case of Boddintons Pub Ale recently, and I couldn't resist giving it a try.

Boddington's is imported to the US in nitro-cans, the same type of container that allows Guinness to pour successfully even when not drawn from a proper tap. And let me tell you, it is a gorgeous pour - the same tumbling cascade of rich creamy foam, perhaps a bit less dramatic than a Guinness pour because the head roils and builds against a honey-golden backdrop instead of the deep chocolate color of Guinness. After a moment or two, the head settles to a thick top layer about an inch or so thick, ready to sip through.

The ale itself is surprisingly mild, and almost bland. Malty sweetness hides behind a strong cereal flavor tinged with a touch of grassy hops, and when the initial nitro-charged creaminess fades after the pour, Boddingtons winds up a little on the thin side. But for all that, it was still a decent and refreshing brew and went quite well with the marinated London broil and barbecued chicken which Nick was serving from the grill.

Marie Callender's Frozen Lasagna - And How ConAgra Dun Goof'd

2011-09-07T14:40:00.000-04:00

Back in 2009 I did a comparative review of frozen lasagna, tasting and ranking eleven different products. Marie Callender's Meat lasagna was one of those products. I ranked it in the middle of the pack in the "Good" category - not outstanding, but not bad. It was a little wet, a little salty, and much sparser with the cheese than the package art would suggest, but the sauce was fairly authentic-tasting, and I said I would buy it again if it were on sale.

Yesterday morning I stopped in ShopRite on my way to work, looking for a frozen meal I could take for lunch. I noticed that the Marie Callender's Lasagna label had changed - ConAgra was touting a new recipe and claiming that this new "three meat and four cheese" lasagna was "preferred over the leading meat lasagna." I decided to give it a try. Little did I know while I was eating lunch and taking notes that this very product (or at least ConAgra's marketing of it) was starting to go viral. More on that later - first, the review.

On the surface, very little has changed with Marie Callender's lasagna. It is still very wet and overly salty and the package art still hugely overrepresents the amount of cheese found in the pan. There are still the same number of noodle layers, and they are still thick and a little tough. There is no question that the recipe has changed, though. The sauce is spicier, with a subtle but noticeable hot pepper kick. And there is a heavy sprinkle of very green, very grassy-tasting parsley on top (so grassy-tasting, in fact, that it's almost distracting. Quite strange.) The ingredients claim there to be three meats - pork, beef, and sausage - but I couldn't really tell which granules were which because all I could taste was the sausage. I can't possibly understand how it can be "preferred over the leading meat lasagna," unless the leader is something really awful like Chef Boy-R-Dee Lasagna in a can. If this Marie Callender's recipe had been on the market in 2009 when I wrote the original rankings, it would fall solidly in the "Unremarkable" category, below Boston Market's Lasagna With Beef Sauce.

So, given this totally "meh" product, what could ConAgra do with it that would cause them to take so much heat from bloggers?

As reported in the New York Times today, ConAgra tried to pull a fast one on a group of bloggers in New York City. The bloggers were invited to try out an "intimate Italian restaurant" puportedly run by the host of TLC's Ultimate Cake Off, celebrity chef George Duran. What the bloggers didn't know was that they were actually served Marie Callender's new frozen lasagna while being taped by hidden cameras. The idea was to use what they hoped would be the diners' "OMG THIS IS FROZEN CRAP??? IT'S SO GOOD I THOUGHT I WAS EATING INTIMATE ITALIAN FOOD!!" reactions in an ad campaign.

The plan backfired, as explained here on the Brandnoise blog. Most of the bloggers involved are upset that they were tricked into eating mediocre frozen lasagna by the promise of a specially-prepared meal by a celebrity chef. But some of them, I think, are most upset by not being able to tell the difference. (In all fairness, however, the photos on Chubby's New York Food Diary seem to indicate that there was more than a little food styling going on before the lasagna was plated and served.)

The end result? Most of the bloggers wouldn't sign the releases ConAgra needed to use their hidden camera footage and the NYC food blogosphere is abuzz with harsh feelings for the company and their PR firm. ConAgra, ya dun goof'd.

Al Gore Fruit Snacks

2011-09-06T20:03:00.000-04:00

Don't be fooled by the label on these fruit snacks. Toy Story is only part of the picture here. Take a look at the snack shapes on the front label. Especially that blue one.

Somehow, the molds for the Buzz Lightyear shapes were tampered with, turning them into Al Gore Fruit Snacks.

Not to worry, though, I'm sure they have a very small carbon footprint.

Stuffed Cherry Pepper Appetizers

2011-09-04T06:47:00.000-04:00

Looking for a something a little different to serve at your Labor Day end-of-summer party? How about a traditional Italian antipasto treat: stuffed cherry peppers? You can make them with either sweet or hot cherry peppers and they're easy to put together.

Here's what you'll need:

A jar or two of cherry peppers, sweet or hot or both as you prefer
A block of mild cheese: I prefer fontina for stuffing peppers, but provolone is traditional and monterey jack is good, too.
Thinly-sliced prosciutto

And the method:

With the point of a sharp knife, cut around the stem of the pepper to remove it. Pull the stem out so the seed cluster comes out with it. Use the rounded end of a butter knife to scoop out any remaining seeds.
Take a chunk of cheese small enough to fit inside the cavity of the pepper and wrap it in a strip of prosciutto (not a whole slice of prosciutto, just a strip torn from the slice.)
Stuff the wrapped cheese into the pepper, tucking any loose ends of prosciutto inside the edge of the pepper.
Repeat until you have made the desired number of stuffed peppers (or until you run out of one of the ingredients!)

I make stuffed cherry peppers a few times a year - whenever we're having a big family get together - as part of a veggie dip platter, but you can put a bowl of them out all by themselves. Keep the jar of pickle juice from the peppers, because if you have leftovers, the stuffed peppers can be dropped back into the jar and, in the pickle juice and kept in the fridge, they'll stay edible for a few more weeks.

Herr's Pizza Flavored Potato Chips

2011-09-02T21:59:00.000-04:00

This is just a week for Herr's potato chips, I guess.

Thanks to a tip from J. Astro, I sought out and found some Herr's Pizza Flavored Potato Chips. I was a bit skeptical; I'm not a fan of tomato powder seasoning and it was hard for me to imagine that a chip purporting to taste like a pizza could pull it off without something to simulate the flavor of the sauce. Still, Astro knows his snacks as well as he knows his cheesy horror flicks (more on that later) so the hunt was on.

Amazingly, I found some for sale almost immediately at Ocean State Job Lot and took a bag home, resolving not to even look at the ingredients panel until after tasting so as not to influence our opinions.

I have to admit, they do taste a lot like a pizza. Not exactly, mind you, but as much like a pizza as, say, pizza flavored Combos or TGIFriday's Cheese Pizza Chips. And they do it without tomato powder. A few different cheeses (including Romano,) some spices, and extract of paprika for a peppery flavor and a red color combine for a strangely authentic flavor that everyone really enjoyed. In fact, we just about killed the whole bag - something that rarely happens when we set out to sample something for a review. I'd certainly buy these again if I found them, which sadly is not guaranteed since Herr's distribution network is still a little spotty in New England.

And speaking of J. Astro and his horror movie connoisseurship, if you're a fan of eclectically bizarre films (B-movies, horror, cult films, cut-out bin trash, and general cinematic sleaze) check out his blog Screen Grab! with J. Astro. Full disclosure: it's NSFW and you'll have to click through a content warning, but it's worth it.

Herr's Kansas City Prime Steak Flavor Potato Chips

2011-09-01T02:00:00.000-04:00

Hey, as long as we're talking about Herr's chips, allow me to present one of the most unique concepts for a potato chip ever: Kansas City Prime Steak Flavor.

One look at these babies and I knew they'd be coming home with me - how could I possibly resist? Steak flavor chips? WHAT SORCERY IS THIS, HERR'S?

No sorcery at all, as it turns out, and to be honest, not much steak flavor either. The ingredients list things like torula yeast and onion powder and so on, and when we opened the bag, our first impression was "Lipton French Onion Soup Mix!" And that's pretty much what they taste like, too. Not much steak flavor unless you happen to like your steak completely smothered in onions (and salt - Kansas City Prime chips are probably the saltiest-tasting chips anyone in the family had ever eaten, though the saltiness is mitigated somewhat if you dip them into sour cream as you nosh.)

They're probably one of the best onion-flavored chips the family has ever had, though we all agreed that they're a total failure when it comes to steak flavor. Nevertheless, Maryanne, Lynnafred and I decided that Herr's Kansas City Prime chips were one of our all-time favorites.

Back To Normal

2011-08-31T18:31:00.000-04:00

You may have noticed that something was redirecting the blog to some non-existent parking site. Some investigation revealed that one of the sidebar blogrolls that I was subscribed to had picked up a bit of malicious javascript that was responsible for the redirection. I eliminated that piece of code and everything seems to be okay now.

Checking out the Blogger help forums shows that a number of Blogger-hosted blogs are affected. I hope this is the last we see of it here.

Thanks for your patience.

Herr's Blossoming Onion Snack

2011-08-31T02:00:00.000-04:00

If you like oniony snack crisps but you're looking for something a bit different from the same old Funyuns kind of thing, allow me to personally recommend Herr's Blossoming Onion crisps.

Formed into petal shapes (the better to emulate their appetizer namesake) Blossoming Onions are puffy, light, and crunchy, and have a big flavor boost over plain puffed onion ring snacks like Funyuns. Because restaurant "onion blossom" appetizers are usually served with some kind of zesty dip, Herr's incorporated the dip flavor into the crisp. There's a hint of sour cream and vinegar, a touch of horseradish, and some spicy heat. The heat is semi-cumulative; that is, it builds up a little bit on the first couple of bites, but once it reaches its somewhat mild peak, it levels off. (Not a fan of spicy heat? No problem - the heat never gets so intense it would scare you away.) Definitely a winner.

Herr's, based in Lancaster PA, has only recently started making real inroads into the New England snack market. They have a wide variety of chip flavors and varieties and I'm glad to see them become available here.

Jojo Jelly Beans

2011-08-30T19:19:00.000-04:00

If you saw the movie Tropic Thunder, you might remember a scene with Jack Black doping himself up with white powdery drugs he keeps in a Jojo Jelly Bean box. Apparently, someone thought there would be a huge demand for Jojo Jelly Beans thanks to the riotous comedy stylings of Jack Black and so Dreamworks brought out actual Jojo Jelly Beans as a movie tie-in candy.

By the time I found Jojos in job lot store in Maine, I had completely forgotten about Tropic Thunder (movies with either Ben Stiller or Jack Black tend to do that to me anyway; it seems that with both of them in the same flick, the effect is magnified.) What attracted me was the packaging featuring a nightmare clown vomiting jelly beans down his tongue and into the mouths of two dead-eyed children. "Multi-Flavor Colorings!" also cracked me up. Only after I got them home and really looked the package over did I realize that it was a tie-in, thanks to a Tropic Thunder logo, complete with the MPAA's R-rating.

Still...jelly beans! Insane murder clown! Win, right? Right??

No. Wrong. These jelly beans totally suck. Inside the package, there are green, pink, yellow, red, and orange jelly beans, and the flavors of each are nearly indistinguishable from one another. They have a strange floral quality (and not good floral, like orange-blossom honey or rose petal tea, but bad floral like your ancient maiden aunt's eau de toilette that she splashes on in lieu of a bath.) And although they're soft and pliable inside, the coating is like sugarbrick. I was going to give them a pass on the brickness, seeing as Tropic Thunder came out in 2008 and who knows how long these things might have been sitting around in a warehouse, but I notice that several places are still selling them online so I'm just going to be a douche and assume that they were shipped stale from day one. Unless you simply can't live without the graphics on that box, you really are better off skipping this purchase if you find them.

Photo by Boston American

Jojo Jelly Beans are made in China and distributed by Boston America Corp., a company which specializes in making kind of mediocre products in extremely clever packaging which make you want the hell out of them. Seriously, I could devote an entire blog post just to their stuff, from generic energy drinks with awesome videogame labeling, to kind of mediocre candy packaged in the most bitchin' tins ever, to theme-printed bandages.

Photo by Boston American

Many are the times I've come home with candy in tins the shape of Nintendo's Super Mario mushrooms made by Boston America - there is no denying the packaging is cool even when the product inside isn't, strictly speaking, the best stuff you can buy.

Fishy Delights 44: Roland Mussels a la Nicoise & Mussels In Tomato Sauce

2011-08-29T06:24:00.001-04:00

Roland Mussels a la Nicoise and Mussels in Tomato Sauce. I turned the jars over in my hands at Ocean State Job Lot, peering through the glass at the shucked and prepared mussels inside, trying to make up my mind whether or not to put them in my shopping cart. On the one hand, they were by Roland, a company I have come to trust through long experience with their truly excellent (and generally low-cost) products. On the other hand, they were mussels, which are delicious but somewhat delicate, and my prior encounters with canned mussels have been less than ideal. In the end, curiosity won out. Of course.

Mussels a la Nicoise was more of a mussel salad. Tiny tender mussels, pickled in a vinegar brine along with small bits of cucumber, onion, celery, and red pepper. The vinegar was a bit overpowering but I have to admit the mussels were rather awesome - nicely prepared and not at all similar to the nasty tinned smoked mussels I've had in the past, which taste and feel like little lumps of smoked clay. These would be quite worthy served as one portion of a relish plate.

The Mussels in Tomato Sauce are equally well-prepared and tender but I thought they were somewhat less successful. I guess I was just not expecting the tomato-sauced variety to be pickled (though I have to admit the flavors of the vinegary brine and the thin but very tomatoey sauce blended nicely.) As with the mussels a la Nicoise, I wouldn't hesitate to put them out on a relish plate. I think I would dress them up with some horseradish, though.

Available at some Ocean State Job Lot stores in southern New England while supplies last.

When is "All Natural" NOT All Natural?

2011-08-28T02:00:00.000-04:00

Cabot Sour Cream claims on its label to be "All Natural!" but a look at the ingredients panel tells a different story - it contains "modified corn starch, guar gum, sodium citrate, carageenan, locust bean gum."

Apologists may argue that guar gum, carageenan, and locust bean gum are all "natural" products (guar gum is an extract of the guar bean, carageenan has it's origin in seaweed, and locust bean gum comes from, well, locust beans) but no matter how you try to spin it, sodium citrate and modified corn starch are both heavily processed manufactured products. I am not saying any of this stuff is harmful - only that it seems to me that a dairy product which is made by so many other producers out of nothing but milk, cream, and culturing enzymes should not carry an "all natural" label when it is so full of unnecessary shit that serves only as low-cost filler.

An identically-sized container of generic no-name sour cream at the same store, stocked right next to the Cabot sour cream, had no gums or dubious thickeners in it at all and was selling for less than half the price of Cabot.

Shopping For A Hurricane

2011-08-27T19:39:00.003-04:00

Whenever a weather event threatens, people hit the stores looking for supplies. We see it all winter up here in New England - the Chicken Littles on TV warn of three inches of snow on the way and the supermarkets practically get ransacked with people buying every bit of bottled water and especially the Big Three Storm Commodities: bread, milk, and eggs.

We've had plenty of warning with Hurricane Irene clawing her way up the coast (it should be here as a tropical storm sometime on Sunday) and by now most emergency goods were sold out at hardware stores (batteries, lamp oil, duct tape for taping windows and plywood for more secure covering.) I don't think there's an unsold generator in the state of Connecticut right now. But there was considerably less urgency at the local supermarkets today. Most of my inquiries to area friends were met with answers like "Seems to be no busier than the usual Saturday," or "Running low on bottled water, but there's plenty of most other stuff."

So late this afternoon I went off to the local Big Y to see what would be left on the shelf. I was almost surprised to find the shelves so well-stocked, but kind of amused at what was actually sold out.

There was no skim milk at all, but plenty of 2% and whole milk. Lots of bread was on the shelves, and plenty of eggs, cheese, coffee creamer, and so on. Not too surprising that dairy stuff wasn't a quick seller, actually - in the wake of Hurricane Gloria 25 years ago, power was out for four days and unrefrigerated dairy products spoil quickly. So I checked out other aisles.

Soups are popular emergency rations. Nearly all the Campbell's chicken varieties were gone except for a few cans of Noodle-Os. There were tons of cream soups, though, and a full bin of Cream of Asparagus. Lynnafred thought that was hilarious: "Look at this - no one wants Cream of Stinky Pee Soup, and I don't blame them a bit."

Large bottles of bottled water were sold out, but there were plenty of smaller bottles by the case ready to go.

Oddest sell out in the whole place, though? Marshmallow Fluff.

Mike-Sells Puffcorn Delites

2011-08-27T02:00:00.000-04:00

Featured as a "special purchase" at ALDI right now: Mike-sell's Puffcorn Delites Caramel flavor.

They're corn puffs (think Cheetos or Jax without the cheese) in bite-sized pieces, coated with a film of caramel. The corn plus the caramel plus the butter that the stuff is made with make them taste kind of like maple syrup. Crunchy, sweet, awesome maple syrup.

I bought one bag to try them out. Lynnafred, after finding out they were purchased at ALDI, made me promise to go back and get a couple more since ALDI is famous for short-run purchases that might not show up again for months.

I Want One of These.

2011-08-26T02:00:00.000-04:00

Damn, look at that magnificent bastard. That Mucke's hot dog guy is over four feet tall, and it's a vinyl applique, not a flimsy decal. I would love to have one of them to put on a wall in my kitchen.

Also, the Country Diner is a storefront restaurant in town that was opened by a couple of local ex-cops. The food is dependably good, not too expensive, and they do some pretty decent barbecue as well.

MARKDOWN ALERT!

2011-08-25T22:22:00.000-04:00

Southern New England fans of Snow Natural Soda have a reason to smile right now: Ocean State Job Lot is selling all three flavors of Snow for fifty cents per 12 oz can, or a little less than half regular retail price.

As with all job lot store deals, take advantage of it now while you can, because you never know how long the stock is going to hold out.

WTF Underwear

2011-08-24T22:53:00.000-04:00

The cheeseburger makes this food-related, OK?

Found at the Haynes outlet store in Kittery, Maine: Women's underwear with "cheesy" printed on the crotch. No one was buying them.

J's Oyster, Portland Maine

2011-08-24T09:15:00.000-04:00

This isn't so much a review as it is a recommendation: If you like oysters and you're in Southern Maine (even just passing through!) you really should get yourself into Portland and stop in for oysters at J's.

They're an unassuming little joint on Portland Pier (right off of Commercial Street) and they serve perhaps the best and freshest oysters around. On our most recent visit, the weather was truly amazing - low humidity, lots of sun, temp in the 70s - so the outdoor seating along the edge of the pier had a wait time of about 45 minutes. There were plenty of seats inside, though, at the central bar or in one of the booths arranged around the perimeter of the building. Since we were there for oysters and not to gawk at a bunch of boats, we chose the immediate inside seating and were given a booth on the pier side with huge windows that looked out over the water anyway.

NOT what you'll find at J's.

J's has not changed much inside since my first visit 35-some-odd years ago. The inside is dark wood and low ceilings. The waitresses and bartenders are friendly and attentive and there's always laughter and conversations going on at the bar and in the booths. It's always reminded me of the kind of comfortable neighborhood bars I've hung out it in, only with oysters and clams instead of peanuts and bowls of Filthy Little Things. The hostess shows you to your seat, you order a baker's dozen oysters and a locally-made Shipyard IPA or two, and for a little while everything is all right with the world.

The oysters are delicious: absolutely fresh, sweet and briny, served up with a bit of lemon for squeezing and a little cup of cocktail sauce and extra horseradish. No matter how you like to eat your oysters, though, try at least one with nothing on it but your lips just so you can experience the awesomeness of really good bivalves.

J's has other stuff too, of course (their bacon cheeseburgers are quite decent if you're with a friend who inexplicably doesn't like oysters) and their bucket of steamers - local Maine softshell clams steamed and served hilariously in a galvanized metal pail) are excellent. I really can't recommend them highly enough.

Check out their website here - it's very simple and loads quickly, and you'll find a menu there as well (menu items seem to be current, but I think the prices are out of date - they were very slightly higher than show online when we were there on Monday.)

Seasoned Lima Beans

2011-08-23T20:25:00.000-04:00

When I was a kid, I hated lima beans. I had only ever had them out of a can, and they were always horrible: starchy, squishy, with a skin that would pop off and gag me when I was trying desperately to choke them down, and to top it all off they tasted as metallic as the can they were packed in. Truly, I can totally understand why someone would say they hate lima beans.

These days, I like lima beans just fine as long as they are either fresh or frozen and cooked so that they haven't been rendered by overcooking into something the consistency of a grasshopper's gutbag. But I still loathe canned lima beans.

When I saw a can of Margaret Holmes Seasoned Medium Green Lima Beans at Big Lots I inexplicably decided to give them a try. Maybe it was the awkwardly-worded label. "Medium Green Lima Beans." Did that mean they were medium-sized lima beans which were green in color? Or maybe it meant that they were colored "medium green?" I seem to remember my dad having a Country Squire station wagon with wood grain sides which came from the factory a pretty horrible shade of "medium green" (Ford called it "Lime Gold." Whatever.)

Anyway, I checked the ingredients on the can and it looked kind of promising: onions, spices, salt, a little sugar, some smoke flavoring, some chicken fat... Chicken fat? Really? Okay, I was on board.

So this is your fair warning: If you already hate canned lima beans, don't bother with these. They're still starchy, squishy, and the skins pop off when you're chewing (though I'm a lot better at controlling my gag reflex than I was when I was five years old.) And they still have that nasty metallic flavor. The best I can say about them is the broth they were in tasted pretty good. I bet if I cooked some fresh or frozen lima beans in a duplicate of that pot likker, they'd be mighty fine.

Kikkoman Ginza Style Curry Sauce - Pork flavor

2011-08-22T17:55:00.000-04:00

After literal months of prodding, suggesting, and flat-out telling them to, I got Dave and my mother to agree to go out and enjoy themselves someplace, leaving me to bachelor the place up. (Okay, fine, bachelorette the place up if you're going to be a stickler about it.) So instead of having a house party so phenomenal that it would make 3Oh!3's House Party look like a child's birthday, I'm going to sit here and eat Kikkoman canned curry and watch The Birdcage.

I told you, I'm going to be a bachelor tonight. I warned you. (Okay, so maybe a bachelor wouldn't watch The Birdcage.)

Anyway, that can to the right is, indeed, the curry sauce in question. Pop open the easy-open top, dump it into a pot, heat it up, and eat away after dumping it over some noodles, or rice, or something.

The sauce smells like heaven when you open it up. Unmistakably curry, and it looks more like a standalone stew than a sauce - large chunks of potatoes and carrots, and sparse (but tender nonetheless) chunks of pork are dotted throughout. It looks awfully thick and nasty straight from the can, but it thins out as it heats up.

And it tastes... mostly good. There's this strange, simultaneously slimy and astringent-like quality to it that I don't really like, but as far as flavor goes, it tastes just like Japanese-style curry - creamy (more or less) stew-like, and hearty, with just a background hint of spiciness that builds up as you eat it. I'd get it again.

For the record: this stuff is MASSIVELY salty. Cutting it down with noodles was a brilliant idea, shown below:

Yeah, it still looks kind of like Chef Boyardee Spaghetti,
but I'm a bachelor tonight, remember?

Lance's Four Cheese Captain's Wafers

2011-08-22T02:00:00.000-04:00

A mysterious box landed on my porch the other day, addressed to "Dave's Cupboard." I had a mirror for my truck backordered, but the box was too small and besides, when I order auto parts I don't do it under the blog's name. Lynnafred could barely hold out from opening it until I got home from work, but she did, and it turned out to be well worth the wait.

Inside the box were a couple of packages of Lance's new Four Cheese Captain's Wafers crackers, along with a note asking us to try out the crackers and tell everyone what we thought of them.

Right now, you might be thinking, "Wow, cheese and crackers. How can I stand the excitement?" Trust me, these are different. Lance has taken a really good, really flavorful blend of cheeses (cheddar, mozzarella, parmesan, and blue) and put them between flaky, crispy crackers. The cheese blend is awesome because it's so well balanced. All four cheeses combine into a single, smooth flavor and yet one can distinguish each of the individual flavors as well - the tang of the cheddar, the sharp parmesan, the milky mild mozzarella, and slight rich edge of the blue.

Captain's Wafers may not replace the sleeve of bright orange crackers and CHEEZ in your kid's lunchbox. But you should give it a try in your lunchbox. All the fun of little cheese sandwiches like you remember from second grade, but with a flavor and texture that the grown-up you can really appreciate.

Triscuit Thin Crisps - Chile Pepper Flavor

2011-08-21T23:11:00.000-04:00

Everybody has heard of Triscuit, Nabisco's original whole wheat wafers. They've been around for over a hundred years - no lie, Nabisco started selling them in 1903, and they are every bit as popular now as they were back then.

Recently, Nabisco decided to go in a new direction with Triscuit, and introduced Triscuit Thin Crisps. They're thinner than the original, lighter and less dense, and somewhat crispier than original Triscuit. Last week, Nabisco sent me some of their new Chile Pepper Thin Crisps flavor for review, and we dug in.

Chile Pepper Thin Crisps have an awesome flavor profile: There's garlic and onion, and just a faint hint of cheesy tang (that's probably from the buttermilk and whey listed on the ingredients panel.) And over it all, the rich and faintly smoky taste of mild but flavorful chile peppers. They go great with cheese and dips, and are pretty tasty snacking on them right out of hand, too. The chile flavor really enhances sharp cheese and cheesy dips.

Since Nabisco was generous enough to send me two boxes to try, we brought the second box to a pig roast on Saturday and set them out on the appetizer table with the cheeses, dips, and other crackers. Apparently, we aren't the only ones who think that Nabisco has got a winner with this cracker, since the Chile Pepper Thin Crisps were devoured before any of the other crackers. Everyone was enjoying them, especially with a big pan of 7-Layer Taco Dip which was originally served with tortilla chips. (The tortilla chips didn't start moving again until the Thin Crisps were all gone.)

BLOOPER PHOTO!

I wanted to get a good closeup shot of the Triscuits to show off their texture and the matrix of chile pepper bits and other spices inside, so I set up a neutral white background and put some crackers on a napkin to get the shot ready. I lined up to take the picture, and just as the shutter tripped, Iris poked her head into the frame, took a single cracker from the pile and ducked under the dining room table to enjoy her stolen treat. (Yes, she likes them too.)

Pepperidge Farm Baked Naturals Cracker Chips

2011-08-18T17:37:00.001-04:00

I was trolling the snack machine at work, looking for a midmorning munchie that would bridge the long gap between a 5:30 am breakfast and a noon lunch. As always, there was the usual enormous selection of potato chips, but I wasn't in a very spudly mood; I wanted something different.

Hmmm. Cracker chips are different.

I almost didn't buy them, because I noticed that the words "baked" and "chips" both appear on the label. This reminded me of Baked Lays Potato Chips which, judging by the flavor, are apparently made out of thinly-spread clay sprinkled with flakes scratched off an unwashed ass. But the Baked Naturals label was too enchanting, with its photo of delicately-formed chips and promise of multi-grain deliciousness, and I could not escape its marketing magic.

The photos do not lie: these chips are indeed delicately-formed, thin as paper, awesome in their fragile shattery crispiness. They're studded with whole grain bits, and when the chips are chomped they simultaneously explode with crunchiness and melt in your mouth. Quite the entertaining snacktime nosh.

And that it is why I was so disappointed with the taste - they are remarkably bland and cardboardial, and all the crunch in the world can't make up for it.

Pepperidge Farm also makes these Cracker Chips in a "Simply Cheddar" flavor. I'm betting the addition of cheese will really zip things up, so I'm not giving up on Cracker Chips just yet.

Heirloom Tomato?

2011-08-17T06:40:00.001-04:00

My garden hasn't been doing so well this year,and it's been especially bad for the tomatoes. Last year I had a bumper crop, this year I might get two or three pounds of tomatoes in total. My heirlooms have saved the day, though, especially this variety, Baboon's Ass

Sacks of Breakfast Kibble

2011-08-15T05:59:00.001-04:00

We've all heard that a big chunk of the price of name-brand breakfast cereal is the packaging and marketing that supports it. The stores in my area were late to the party when it came to bare-bones cereal packaging, though. So it amused the hell out of me when I found Stop & Shop's store brand kid-cereal knockoffs being sold by the sack - at roughly one-third to one-quarter of the equivalent amount's price as sold by General Mills or Kellogg's.

It's NOT Free.

2011-08-13T06:29:00.001-04:00

Quaker is running a promotion on selected boxes of Cap'n Crunch, offering a "FREE Retro T-Shirt." Well, you have to send in 4 proofs of purchase and pay $3.49 for shipping and handling, but that's still "free," right?

There was a thrift store near me that used to sell T-shirts for 99 cents each. Every week, I'd scour the seemingly endless rack of black T's and pick out vintage concert and bike rally shirts which I would then sell on eBay. I always priced shipping at $1.00, because a folded shirt would fit nicely into a Tyvek envelope which I could mail 1st Class for about $1.30 and that other 30 cents was more than taken care of by the sale price of the shirt.

But Quaker first makes you pay $16 to $20 for four boxes of cereal, and then charges an additional $3.50 for shipping "and handling." Yeah, that's a hot freebie, that is.

You know what, Quaker? Cap'n Crunch has been my favorite cereal since I was like 9 years old. That's a better than 40-year run (pretty damn good considering my usual attention span.) But if you think I'm going to PAY YOU to advertise your shit while you're pulling Cap'n Crunch advertisements out of the mainstream media, you're wrong.

Bosco Chocolate Bar

2011-08-12T07:19:00.001-04:00

You've probably heard of Bosco chocolate syrup. It was hugely popular in the 1950's and early 1960's and pop culture has ensured it's place as a true bit of Americana. Bosco Syrup was often referenced on the popular TV show Laverne & Shirley, for example, and black-and-white horror movies through the late 1960's used Bosco as a stand-in for blood.

I've tried Bosco Syrup a time or two and to be honest, I really didn't think it was anything special - as good as any other chocolate syrup I've used but certainly not anything to get wildly enthusiastic about. When I was a kid, my mother never bought Bosco at all; we always had either Hershey or Fox's U-Bet. So when I found Bosco Milk Chocolate Bars at Big Lots! I bought one out of curiosity rather than nostalgia.

Just like the syrup, Bosco Milk Chocolate isn't really anything special. It's plain, serviceable milk chocolate with a typical American chocolate flavor profile: sweet, mild chocolate with the faintest sour-milk or "cheesy" background flavor (next time you taste a Hershey bar, pay attention and that sour-milk flavor will be noticeable.) Props to whoever is making the Bosco Bars for using 100% real cocoa butter, making the bar silky-smooth as it melts in your mouth. There's no mockolate in this bar, and yet the best I can say about it is this: The Bosco Milk Chocolate Bar is decent but ordinary.

I suppose it will sell well to the nostalgia crowd - folks who remember the TV ads in the 1950's (not me, though, I'm not that old) or the ones whose Moms set down cookies and a glass of Bosco chocolate milk in front of them for an after-school snack. For the rest of us, well, there's nothing about it other than the name to make it stand out.

Sardines In A Pouch

2011-08-11T11:12:00.000-04:00

Love 'em or hate 'em, there is one thing no one can deny about sardines: they are fragile little things, and don't take well to being indelicately handled. More than once, a little fishy morsel has broken off and tumbled back to the plate when I've tried to lift it whole with my fork.

You'd think that, of all the people familiar with sardines in the world, the people who actually process and package and sell them would know this. Apparently not, because Crown Prince actually has tried selling sardines in pouches.

When I saw these at Big Lots! it was almost mandatory that I buy them. I couldn't think of a more ridiculous way to pack sardines, and I couldn't wait to find out what they were going to be like when I opened them up at lunchtime. I could just imagine what they would look like after having been tumbled through the wholesale and retail distribution chain without the traditional exoskeleton of a metal can, and I was sure it wasn't going to be pretty.

I opened the first pouch - sardines in soy oil, lightly smoked - and tipped them out onto a plate. "Not pretty" was an understatement. These fish had the shit kicked out of them. I think there might have originally been four whole sardines in the package, but without the help of a forensic ichthyologist, there was no way to tell. I found some fair-sized fish chunks, lots of little pieces, and plenty of tiny fragments and soft-cooked bits of rib bones. There were also some long, semi-crunchy lengths of spine. I never remove the spines or other bones when I eat whole sardines, so I didn't bother trying to remove them when I ate these. The fish tasted fine, although the texture was a little dry despite having been packed in oil. And of course, there was the horrifying presentation.

The second pouch were sardines in mustard sauce. These fish had successfully retained their shape, probably thanks to the high-viscosity mustard sauce which had the consistency of gear oil and likely provided some shock absorption during shipping. Unfortunately, Crown Prince's mustard sauce isn't the best I've ever had; it is strong and rather harsh and covers, rather than enhances, the flavor of the fish.

The final pouch, containing the sardines in "Louisiana hot sauce" (not pictured) was sort of in between the other two in terms of sardine integrity. The fish were broken but not mangled but I can't really attribute that to the presence of sauce. As interpreted by Crown Prince, "Louisiana hot sauce" is a quantity of oil colored bright red by the clots of brownish-red pepper sauce which are suspended within it. It adds little to the flavor of the sardines, but does add a mild but irritating back-of-the-throat scratchy heat in the manner of cayenne pepper powder.

It is no surprise to me that the only place I have seen sardines-in-a-pouch offered for sale is at Big Lots. Only a job lot store could possibly sell them with a straight face, and a quick check of Crown Prince's website shows me that they don't even list this packaging option as one of their products. Hopefully, sardine pouches were a marketing experiment that won't be repeated.

Subway's Pulled Pork Sandwich

2011-08-10T07:23:00.000-04:00

Photo by Subway

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly: Subway BBQ Pulled Pork Edition.

The Good:

Close examination of the pulled pork reveals that it is actual slow-cooked pulled pork, fairly juicy. Even when not dressed with the barbecue sauce (I got it on the side) it had a bit of smokiness (not that I believe for a minute that Subway's little tubs of commissary-pulled pork are done in a pit.)

Subway's bread is decent. Pulled pork should be served on good soft rolls and Subway delivers.

The Bad:

That barbecue sauce is totally generic. Cloyingly sweet (thank you, high-fructose corn syrup) with bottled smoke and a limited amount of spices lending flavor. It tastes like every other cheap fast-food barbecue sauce you've ever had. McDonalds McRib? Gotcha. Burger King "barbecue" dipping sauce? Yeah. Wendy's whatever-the-hell-completely-forgettable-BBQ-crap-they've-done? Tastes just like it.

The Ugly:

If you like a dab of pulled pork with a metric ton of lettuce and onions to make the sandwich look big, this is the lunch for you. Subway's photo ads are the biggest liars in fast food marketing. And really, every time I've been to a good BBQ joint, my pulled pork sandwich has had nothing on it but decent sauce and some sweet bread-and-butter pickles on top. Lettuce and dill pickles? WTF, Subway?

For an emergency BBQ fix, Subway's got you covered. Tell them to leave off the lettuce and dill pickles and you can almost make believe that you're at a real BBQ place, if real BBQ places used the cheapest sauce they could scrounge.

Janik Juniors, and Kiebasa With Kraut

2011-08-09T05:00:00.000-04:00

Janik Sausage Company, my hometown kiebasa makers, have introduced an awesome new product, Janik Juniors Kielbasa Dogs. They're the same delicious kielbasa I've been eating since I was a kid, except in fat foot-long form.

The first time I saw them, it was at Arnold's Meats in East Longmeadow; I bought a package and couldn't wait to get them home to try out. I was not disappointed. The meat and spice blends were the same as the full-sized kielbasa that is famous around here, and the natural casing gave the dogs an excellent snap. The only difference between the Juniors and their regular kielbasa (other than size) was that the Juniors have a slightly finer grind to the filling.

I've bought them a couple of times since that first trial, and have not yet been disappointed. They're great on the grill, and they're just as great made in a skillet with kraut.

I probably don't have to explain how to do this to anyone, but just in case you've never experienced the joys of kielbasa and kraut, here's how I do it:

Heat up a skillet.

Put in the kielbasa dogs and keep the heat on medium high. Turn the dogs frequently as you brown them. You might want to poke a hole or two in them with a fork, so they can leak out some of the fat into the pan. If you're lucky, your kielbasa will whistle at you as steam jets out of the holes.

After browning the kielbasa dogs to your satisfaction, dump in the sauerkraut of your choice. Give it a quick couple of stirs and then turn the heat down to medium low. Let the kraut sizzle in the pan with the dogs as you stir the whole thing around a couple of times. The juice from the sauerkraut will deglaze the kielbasa bits from the skillet, and everything will taste even more excellent than you will be imagining from the aroma.

When the sauerkraut is sufficiently heated, tip the lot onto a serving platter and lift it to the table.

Done.

There is one other thing I'd like to mention about the Janik Juniors. I have yet to find a package with all of the sausages of uniform size. I think this is because they are filling them with a continuous length of casing, and there is some kind of taper to it by its nature. I would like to see the company develop a little more consistency with the sizing, but I expect that will come with practice and experience. For the moment, though, I am really happy to see one of my favorite local food producers introducing a new product to the market. Janik makes an excellent kielbasa, and I hope the new Juniors coax more people to give it a try.

Burger King Minis

2011-08-07T08:06:00.000-04:00

Hey, look! Burger King has little tiny burgers again! These are, essentially, the very same small pull-apart burgers that the chain has been selling on and off since the mid-1980's when they were called "Burger Bundles" and sold in sets of two for 89 cents. They've also been sold as "Burger Buddies" in the early 1990's, and most recently as "Burger Shots" in the late aughts.

Back when I reviewed "Burger Shots" three years ago, I said I couldn't understand why BK can't seem to make a success of them. They're just miniature versions of their standard flame-broiled cheeseburger. Everything I said about them then is still true today - delicious, would be great for a few kids to share a box, and a pile of them at a party would be pretty cool. I think the biggest problem Burger King has with them is people incessantly compare them to White Castle sliders. Minis are not sliders. They don't pretend to be. They don't taste anything like sliders; they taste like what they are: little replicas of Burger King cheeseburgers.

New to the lineup this time we find Chicken Minis, small breaded white-meat chicken patties dropped on the buns with mayo and pickles. I'm not sure I like these as well as the burgers. The breading outweighs the chicken, for one thing, and even though the seasoning is decent, plopping a big-ass slice of pickle on top just overpowers it. The taste isn't bad once the pickle is gone, but they're just too bready for me.

Are Minis going to be around for awhile? Who knows - given BK's track record with miniaturization, I wouldn't bet on a longer run than about six months or so. If I were the Burger King's Prime Minister or Grand Vizier or BFF or whatever, I would tell him to just ditch the little bastards once and for all. They've never been successful enough to earn a place on the permanent menu, and eventually the marketing department is going to run out of descriptive names for small sandwiches containing 1-ounce meat patties.

Or maybe not.

Shrimp Egg Rolls

2011-08-05T05:00:00.001-04:00

Home made eggrolls. Still akin to magic, BTW

When I was a kid, I considered egg rolls to be something akin to magic. They were filled with shredded cabbage, but they were delicious! Not at all like the nasty cabbage my mother would make. There were other things in there, too - things I only saw inside egg rolls and had no hope of identifying. And sometimes, there were shrimp, except much tinier than any other shrimp I'd ever seen.

Couple all that with the fact that Chinese food in general was totally mysterious (no one could ever in a million years figure out how to make it as good as the stuff you got in a Chinese restaurant!) and there you have it: Egg rolls. So delicious and so rare, because they could only be obtained via takeout.

That was many years ago, and Asian food is not such a mystery to me any more. Good recipes on the internet, an excellent Asian supermarket nearby, and some practice have all helped me learn how to make some top-notch Chinese food. Even the most delicious and rare delicacy of them all, the egg roll.

This recipe makes a lot of egg rolls - like thirty or more. The last time I made them, I made twenty of them right away (which were totally nommed in no time at all) and then used whatever filling was left to make another 20 which disappeared just as fast. I had originally intended to make a huge batch of them and freeze some for later, but... damn, these things are so good you'll be eating the filling out of the pan with a fork.

Shrimp Egg Rolls

Makes about 30 rolls or so

¼ cup sesame oil

3 eggs, beaten

2 pounds of baby bok choy, finely shredded

1 cup of finely shredded cabbage

8 ounces bean sprouts

1 small carrot, finely julienned

1 can (8 ounces) shredded bamboo shoots

1 cup dried wood ear mushroom (aka black fungus) rehydrated

3 finely sliced scallions

2 tablespoons soy sauce

3 tablespoons Chinese Shaoxing cooking wine

1 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon MSG

1 12-ounce package of frozen salad shrimp, thawed

Egg roll wrappers

Heat a few tablespoons of oil in a large skillet or wok. Pour in beaten eggs and cook without stirring until the eggs set firmly. Turn this "egg pancake" over and cook just long enough to firm up the other side, about half a minute. Slide the egg pancake onto a plate and allow to cool; when cool slice into thin strips and set aside.

Soaking the wood ear

Rehydrate the dried wood ear mushroom by allowing it to soak in a bowl of water while you are prepping the other ingredients (shredding cabbage and cooking the eggs.) When the mushroom is soft, cut it into very fine shreds.

Heat the remaining oil in the skillet or wok and add all of the vegetables - bok choy, cabbage, bean sprouts, carrot, bamboo shoots, mushroom, and scallions. Stir fry quickly to wilt the cabbages and then, as you toss the veggies in the pan over the fire, add the soy sauce, Shaoxing wine, salt, and MSG. Continue to cook until the veggies are softened. Add the egg and shrimp and stir over the fire for a few minutes so they pick up the flavors from the seasonings. When this stir fry is ready, transfer the mixture into a pan and put into the refrigerator to chill.

To actually make the egg rolls:

Lay an egg roll wrapper on the table in front of you with one corner pointing at you. Dip your finger in water and wet the entire edge of the wrapper. Take a quarter-cup of the filling and spread it in a line in the center of the wrapper, leaving plenty of room at the edges for folding.

Tightly roll the bottom point of the wrapper over the filling. Then take the side corners and fold them inward to the center, so that the egg roll kind of looks like an overstuffed envelope. Continue to roll the wrapper up from the bottom, pressing the top corner of the wrapper to the body of the roll to seal it.

When you have a bunch of egg rolls made up and ready to cook, heat up about half an inch of oil in your skillet and fry the rolls brown on all sides by turning them frequently with a pair of tongs until you get them a nicely bubbled golden brown. Set them aside on newspapers or paper towels to drain for a minute or two, and serve hot.

A note about cooking: I like to roll these up six or so at a time, then fry the six I've made before making another six. This way, the rolls don't have time to dry out before I can fry them, and having just six on hand ready to fry means I won't overload the skillet and have too many rolls to keep an eye on. You may, if you choose, deep fry your egg rolls, or bake them (be sure to brush them with a bit of vegetable oil before they go into the oven at 400 F for 10 minutes on the first side and 8 minutes after turning them over.)

A note about wood ear mushrooms: You may omit these if you like, but if you can get some, don't leave them out - they really contribute an awesome flavor note to the finished egg rolls. You should be able to find them at any Asian market - they're one of the most common ingredients Western cooks aren't at all familiar with.

New Budweiser Can Design Unveiled

2011-08-05T00:50:00.000-04:00

Anheuser-Busch has trotted out a new design for their flagship Budweiser beer - the 12th redesign of the can in 75 years. They've done a pretty good job of deemphasizing all that fussy verbiage on the former label, placing most of the visual emphasis on the Budweiser "bow tie." (I don't think that's really a bow tie. Take a look at it on end, as in the photo at left, and it looks a lot more like a traditional beer glass.)

Personally, I think that the elegant lines of the original 1936 can are timelessly appealing and would have been a better choice (the company did release a limited-edition repro can a few years ago, so someone at Anheuser-Bush must agree with me.)

No matter what kind of label is on the can, though, it's what's inside that counts, and this tweet pretty much sums up the real problem with Bud:

Cheap Parmesan

2011-08-04T17:25:00.003-04:00

Since they're mixing it with "cheese whey" I suspect that the Imported Parmesan Laubscher is selling might not be imported from Italy.

Chicken Mushrooms

2011-08-02T00:13:00.001-04:00

Photo by amadej2008 Used under
a Creative Commons license. Original photo is here.

So I stopped over at my aunt's place the other day, and she was all excited about having me try a casserole she had made. She insisted that I taste it before she'd tell me what was in it, and because I'm a good sport and I figure she's not going to try to poison me after having been my aunt for half a century, I did. It was pretty good - along with the elbow macaroni, I identiefied gorgonzola cheese, a touch of olive oil, and some strips of reddish meatlike stuff that tasted kind of chickeny.

I complimented her on the dish; it was well-seasoned and the flavors worked well together, and she hadn't tried to bury the whole thing in loads of cheese. That's when she told me that the meat-like stuff was chicken mushroom that she'd foraged from a neighbor's yard. New one on me; I gather a few different kinds of mushrooms (including the golden shrooms that come up every year in my backyard) but somehow this easily-identifyable and delicious mushroom had completely slipped my notice.

I did some reading up on them, and it turns out that chicken mushrooms are fairly common and a good mushroom for beginning mycologists to gather, since there are no poisonous mushrooms that look enough like them to be confused. They have an affinity for oak trees. This article from Eat Drink Better gives much more detail about the two chicken mushroom species, where you can find them, and how to gather them.

Mama Cozzi's Mega Meat Pizza

2011-07-31T08:32:00.002-04:00

As promised on the box

I'm not a big fan of frozen pizza. There are too many genuinely good pizzerias in my area and too many fairly decent "take and bake" refrigerated pies in the supermarket for frozen pizzas to compete. Let's face it - when the majority of the frozen pizzas out there are on the horrid level of Mama Celeste or the equally nasty faux-gourmet crap of California Pizza Kitchen, you can see why I hardly ever look to the freezer case for a pizza fix.

And then yesterday I'm walking by the freezer cases at ALDI, and I saw this Mama Cozzi's Mega Meat Ultimate Five Meat Pizza box gazing up at me. Props to the food stylist and photographer who worked on that label: that photo was irresistable. Seriously. It practically made my mouth water just looking at it. And since we've had other Mama Cozzi's pizzas (the aforementioned take-and-bakes) without being disappointed, Maryanne and I decided to give it a try.

As delivered from the oven.

For the most part, this pizza totally delivered on the photo's promise. There was capicola, pepperoni, sausage, "beef pizza topping (beef-and-TVP blend)," and bacon along with a decent amount of mozzarella and parmesan cheese. The oven-rising crust was crispy on the bottom and pleasantly doughy below the sauce; not the type of pizza a New Haven pizza diehard would go for, but roughly comparable to a Western Massachusetts pizza crust (i.e. kind of halfway between a New Haven and a Sicilian style crust.)

Way better than the average frozen pizza, and under four bucks. Quite a deal.

LOBSTER!

2011-07-30T12:10:00.000-04:00

My 4½ pound bug

Shop-Rite had lobsters on sale this week - $6.99 a pound with your Shop-Rite card, $5.99 a pound with your card and a coupon from the flyer. The smaller lobsters were all softshells, which meant that they had recently moulted and would have less meat within - the tradeoff being that the meat often has a sweeter and more delicate flavor.

I selected a 4½-pounder from the tank and found out that the coupon wasn't good on the really big bugs - only on the smaller ones - but when all is said and done, $6.99 a pound is still decent for a 4-plus pounder. I don't often buy small lobsters to cook at home any more - none of us really care if we get individual lobsters, and I wind up making lobster rolls, lobster cakes, or just warming up the meat in a pan of hot melted butter and serving "lazy lobster."

The amount of meat inside a lobster varies. Softshells have the least amount of meat in relation to the size of the shell because they have recently moulted and the new shell has to give the creature enough room to grow inside. Hardshell lobsters have the most amount of meat in relation to the size of the shell because the bug has already grown to fill the shell and will be moulting again soon. Larger lobsters have a somewhat better ratio of meat to shell and it's a lot less work to shell one big one than it is to shell a bunch of smaller ones. So, if you're buying lobster to serve other than "in the rough," or for a recipe that will serve several people, you're better off buying a big lobster and cutting it into chunks than you are buying several small ones.

There is a myth that large lobsters are "tougher" than small ones. This isn't really true; if they're cooked correctly, a big lobster can be tender and delectable. I think people have a tendency to overcook large lobsters because they think that a great big lobster has to be cooked a lot longer than a small one. I always steam my lobsters (it's more efficient and, in my opinion, gives the cooked product a better flavor) and I do it this way:

I use a large roasting pan with a rack in the bottom and a lid. I put a couple inches of water in the bottom of the roaster and put it over high heat on the stovetop.
When the water is at a full rolling boil, I put in the lobster(s), on their back, onto the rack and cover the roaster tightly with its lid
Lobsters should steam for 13 minutes for the first pound, plus 3 minutes per pound for every pound thereafter. So, my 4½-pound bug steamed for 23 minutes and it came out awesome. (13 minutes for the first pound + 9 minutes for the next three pounds + 1½ minutes for the last half pound = 23½, rounded down to 23 minutes for the hell of it. Who's kitchen timer measures in half-minute intervals anyway?)
Take the bugs out of the steamer, set them in a bowl, and allow them to cool for a few minutes before serving or shucking.

I got about a pound and a half of lobster meat from the 4-and-a-halfer, plus half a cup or so of tomalley and some white lobster fat (I chill the tomalley and fat, then blend them together and use them for a spread on toast for breakfast - or you can use tomalley to flavor melted butter for popcorn.) I used the meat to make foot-long lobster rolls.

This is a "hot" lobster roll, made with lobster meat and melted butter. A "cold"
lobster roll is made with lobster meat and mayonnaise. Usually, I make the mayo
version, but I didn't have enough mayo in the house for a bunch of footlongs, so
this time I made the butter version instead.

Incidentally, there seems to be quite a controversy about lobster rolls. No matter where you go in New England, a lobster roll is usually a top-sliced hot dog role piled high with dressed lobster meat. The disagreement centers around what the meat is dressed with. In Connecticut, it is most common to find "hot" lobster rolls, dressed with melted butter. In most other maritime New England states, "cold" lobster rolls are found, dressed with mayonnaise. Butter purists claim that adding mayo makes it "lobster salad" not a "lobster roll;" meanwhile mayo fans know that mayo rolls are everywhere in Maine (aka Lobster HQ) and if mayo is delicious enough for Maine it's delicious enough for them too.

Personally, I enjoy lobster rolls both cold and hot. But when I make them at home, I usually make cold lobster rolls, dressed with mayo, because that's what I usually had when I was growing up in Massachusetts. I'd be interested to learn which way you prefer your lobster rolls - let me know in the comments.

Kielbasa from Strum's Deli & Meats, Holyoke

2011-07-29T07:09:00.002-04:00

Strum's Deli and Meats is a little hole-in-the-wall butcher shop on Westfield Road in Holyoke. Lynnafred and I visited it last week when, after months of having driven by the place and saying "Hey we oughta stop in there sometime," sometime finally arrived.

It's a decent store, much bigger on the inside than it looks from the small storefront. They've got quite a variety of cuts available, and they do some sausage making as well. I'll write more about the store in coming weeks - I want to go there again and sample some of the other stuff they offer - but today I'm going to tell you about their kielbasa.

Strum's kielbasa is very good. The spice blend is traditional and not too salty, and the smoke is well-balanced and not overpowering. The pork they use is high-quality without gristly bits being evident. It's a bit less fatty than I'm used to, which makes for a dryer sausage, but being a little leaner didn't detract from the flavor or enjoyability of the kielbasa - and it made it somewhat easier to grill without huge uncontrollable flareups.

Seriously, if the only kielbasa you've ever had is the crap packaged by Hillshire Farm, you owe it to yourself to find a good, small-label kielbasa, and preferably one that's made practically in your backyard (like Strum's if you live in Holyoke, or Janik if you live a little south of there in Enfield.) You'll be blown away by how awesome the local stuff is, and you'll wonder why you put up with that mass-marketed garbage for so long.

Strum's Deli & Meats

502 Westfield Road

Holyoke, MA 01040-1633
(413) 532-8020

Tiny Shrimp, Revisited

2011-07-27T07:26:00.000-04:00

Not too long ago, I mentioned Sau-Sea Shrimp Cocktails and making my own with "salad shrimp" I occasionally bought at local supermarket Big Y. The salad shrimp there is always, without exception, nasty. Overly salty, wet and spongy and with the texture of wool felt, Big Y's salad shrimp barely taste like anything but salt. They are disgusting little grubs, and after my last experience with them I was ready to write off salad shrimp forever.

And then it was ALDI to the rescue.

ALDI's Sea Queen brand Cooked Salad Shrimp are just about as awesome as salad shrimp can be given their size. They're plump and tender and they taste like shrimp, not saltwater. I made a couple of fake Sau-Sea-style shrimp cocktails with the Sea Queen shrimp and they were pretty good, about the same level of pretty goodness as I remember the originals.

The difference between the two products is stunning; after trying the Sea Queen brand, it amazes me that any store would put their name and logo on something as bad as the Big Y shrimp.

But aside from flavor, texture, and general edibility, there are other differences between the two products. Sea Queen salad shrimp come in a 12-ounce package for $3.99. In order to get 12 ounces for that price from Big Y, you have to wait until they're holding one of their "Buy One Get Two Free" sales, during which they mark the 4-ounce package up to give you two more of them "free." The Sea Queen brand specifies that the shrimp are wild caught, tells you which waters they are caught in (in this case, Guyana and Ecuador) and where they were processed (USA.) They also note the species of shrimp and the catch method on the package. This kind of labeling is unusually transparent, and it's one of the reasons why I'm not hesitant to buy frozen seafood at ALDI: I always know where it's coming from. Would that some other big supermarket chains do the same thing - you get nothing but a terse country of origin line on the Big Y brand.

So, if you're still game to try making your own little shrimp cocktails at home, stop by ALDI and pick up a bag of their salad shrimp while they're still featuring it. You won't be sorry.

Shop Rite San Marzano Tomatoes

2011-07-25T19:15:00.001-04:00

Behold another reason why I love having a Shop-Rite in my town. They have their own store brand San Marzano tomatoes.

Nasty Meat Tubes

2011-07-24T16:05:00.001-04:00

Foreword

The review which follows is ostensibly about "sausage," and thus it's important for readers to understand the distinction I make between "sausages" and "hot dogs."

It's true that franks, hot dogs, wieners, etc. are "sausages" in the strictest sense of the word. But in my writing - and indeed, in most other frankfurtological literature - a more colloquial approach is taken, wherein the word "sausage" implies charcuterie items like kielbasa, Italian sausage, pepperoni, chorizo, bratwurst and so on, while the words "hot dog," "frank," "wiener," etc. implies those narrow little tubular meat products one eats on a bun at a ball game.

Sausage has traditionally been a kind of cheap eat; it called for strong seasonings and spices that would mask the less-desirable and sometimes somewhat "off" cuts of meat used to make it. But as time has passed and food safety laws have been passed, sausage has come to be thought of as a worthy food in its own right. And "hot dogs," that cheaper subset of sausages, have taken on an identity of their own - one that is not immediately associated with "sausages" in the public's mind.

Lynnafred is no friend of hot dogs. It might be the endless footage of cheap dogs my mom fed her when she was just a sprog. I've no idea. But when Maryanne and I are going to have dogs for supper - even really good, natural-casing snaps - Lynnafred is not interested. I usually get her an alternative tubesteak. The various excellent chicken sausages made by Aidells Sausage Company, for example, are among her favorites.

It was with this in mind that I bought a package of Thin n Trim Garden Vegetable variety Chicken Sausage by Demakes Enterprises in Lynn MA. They looked pretty decent, and the "garden vegetable" ingredients (onions, bell peppers, carrots, and celery) offered a flavor profile that I know Lynnafred has enjoyed in the past.

Unfortunately, what was promised was not delivered.

These are little more than fancily packaged crap-quality chicken hot dogs. They taste like the cheapest, most nasty dollar-store skinless chicken wieners you've ever had. Calling these "chicken sausage" is just bullshit.

The dogs liked them. Buy them for your dogs.

Other lies on the packaging: That color photo of onions, basil, garlic, and tomatoes? There aren't any tomatoes or garlic in the ingredients, not even in the part that lists the "2% or less of" section. Maybe the tomatoes and garlic are part of the "flavorings" also listed on the label.

Cheez-It Horror

2011-07-20T12:26:00.000-04:00

I poured out some Cheez-Its (the Four Cheese variety) onto a plate and this lump dropped out with it. It's the largest of a number of cheese amalgam chunks I've found in the box. Properly dusted on the crackers it tastes okay, but in massive chunk form, it's rather disgusting.

Let's have a bit more quality control, eh Keebler?

Le Delice de Bourgogne Cheese from Trader Joe's

2011-07-19T07:03:00.004-04:00

I'm a big fan of St. Angel cheese (a triple-cream soft-ripened variety of brie which is gorgeously buttery, but my local ShopRite, where I used to buy it, seems to have taken it off The List. I guess it just wasn't selling well enough to keep it on the Gourmet Cheese Island. So I've been doing some sampling and searching. It would be great if I could find St. Angel again, but if I can't maybe I can find another triple-cream cheese that is (nearly) as good.

At first glance, Le Delice de Bourgogne cheese, an exclusive Trader Joe import from France, seemed to be what I was looking for. The appearance was right - rich, soft innards surrounded by a thin edible crust with a subtle bloom of white mold.

Le Delice is an excellent cheese. Typical of a triple cream cheese, it's rich and buttery, spreads velvety smooth on warm, crusty bread, and has that slightly nutty-earthy flavor that sets it apart from other brie-like cheeses. But it also has a distinct roquefort flavor, one which runs through the entirety of the cheese. Not at all unpleasant, but not something I had expected. I really enjoyed the Le Delice we bought, and it would make a great and unusual addition to a cheese plate, but alas, it is no substitute for the missing St. Angel.

Hénaff Pork Pâté

2011-07-18T13:00:00.001-04:00

This morning, I posted a picture of a French pork product, Pâté Hénaff, freshly tipped from its tin onto a festive and colorful paper plate. It looked pretty awful plopped down like that. Perhaps some of you wondered what it tasted like. Never having been one to let a can of good pigmeat go to waste, I invited the somewhat fatty puck of pâté to lunch.

Other than the thick and drooling crust of pork fat on the surface of the pâté when freshly freed from it's steel-clad prison, the Serving Suggestion on the lid of the can is remarkably faithful to the real thing, right down its depiction of what the typical slice looks like in cross section. There seems to be little (if any) photoshopping involved.

Pâté Hénaff is a reasonably decent chopped ham product. It is both less heavily-seasoned and less fatty than Hormel's SPAM, but don't let that fool you; there is still plenty of fat to go around here. The can says "ready to eat, cold or hot," but Pâté Hénaff is less than optimal when cold - the fat is unpleasant and the texture slightly grainy. It's much better sliced and fried, when it becomes rather pleasant, with a crispy browned crust over a tender hammy inner core. It was okay for what it was, but if I feel the overwhelming need to buy highly processed canned pork loaf product again, I'll probably get SPAM instead because it's less expensive and the square can makes it easier to get uniform slices.

Out of the Can: Henaff Pork Pate

2011-07-18T06:20:00.001-04:00

Henaff Pork Pate, a kind of French version of SPAM.

Sau-Sea Shrimp Cocktails & Tiny shrimp

2011-07-17T08:03:00.037-04:00

Do you remember Sau-Sea shrimp cocktail? When I was a kid, this was one of my favorite treats; my mother would buy them for semi-special occasions.

Sau-Sea cocktails consisted of tiny little shrimp, swimming in a bland, almost ketchupy, cocktail sauce and packed in small fluted juice glass. Each glass was sealed with a litho'd tin lid, as shown in the photo, and the glasses were reusable. Go to a church rummage sale and you'll find a testament to Sau-Sea's onetime popularity - you'll almost always find a dozen or more of those heavy little glasses for sale (often for about a dime each.) Up until the mid-eighties, when she finally sold off her own hoard in a tag sale, I bet you could tell how many times our family had eaten Sau-Sea shrimp cocktails by the number of old Sau-Sea tumblers lurking in my mother's kitchen.

When Sau-Sea first started business in the late 1940's, shrimp was a luxury food that most people almost never ate outside of a restaurant. These days, of course, you can get really good fresh or freshly-frozen shrimp at just about any supermarket, and they're big enough to actually see with the naked eye. Even so, sometimes I get nostalgic for Sau-Sea Shrimp Cocktail. It doesn't seem to be as ubiquitous as it once was, so I often try to make my own version.

Big Y sells small bags of what they call "salad shrimp." Like most of what Big Y sells, they're hideously overpriced - except for a few times a year when the store jacks the price up a bit and then pretends to do everyone a favor by selling it as a "Buy One, Get Two Free!" special. That's when I'll buy three bags and make my own bastardized Sau-Sea imitations.

Thanks for selling me that
bag of krill, Big Y.

I make up some cocktail sauce - not the boring Sau-Sea cocktail sauce of my sprogdom, but my own kickass version - and pack the salad shrimp into juice glasses. It's never the same. Those salad shrimp are completely nasty. They're not tender and meaty like shrimp should be, they're soggy and wet and feel like shrimp-shaped cut-outs from a kitchen sponge when you chew them. And even though they're about as tiny as they can be and not qualify as Sea Monkeys, size doesn't really have anything to do with their crappiness - that's purely the fault of whatever cutrate company Big Y deals with. And, of course, it's my own damn fault for buying them again. You'd think I'd have learned my lesson by now, but no - there I am, back at the frozen food counter, buying shitty little fingernail-clipping-sized shrimp from Pig Y. Whatever else you may think of Sau-Sea, back in the day the shrimp might have been small as hell, but they were always pretty decent and they have my respect in that regard. Also, those glasses. Until I was like 14 years old and started chugging it right from the carton, I never had orange juice at home unless it was served in one of those repurposed Sau-Sea glasses.

I hardly ever find Sau-Sea shrimp cocktails in the store anymore. When I do, I rarely buy them. They're more expensive than when I was a kid, when the Waldbaum's Food Mart in town sold them for something like $1.25 for three little jars, and those little tiny shrimp just don't seem to be such a good deal as they used to. My perceptions of "shrimp cocktail" have changed since I was 7, I guess. And the Sau-Sea company has changed, too. In 1993 they decided to become a marketing company rather than a manufacturer. They stopped processing their own shrimp in Yonkers NY, released the 70 employees who had processed 10 tons of shrimp per day, and handed over production to a company in Virginia.

Sau-Sea newspaper advertisement, c. 1960

New Kellogg's Crunchy Nut

2011-07-16T05:00:00.000-04:00

Hey look! It's NEW! Kellogg's Crunchy Nut cereal, with Nuts in Every Bite! (That is an important point. Biting nuts just isn't worth it if one can't have nuts in every bite.)

I am totally not wowed by this cereal, which is basically a sugar-coated corn flake with little bits of peanuts glued in place by the sugar coating. There aren't enough peanuts to lend much flavor, and despite the cover art clearly depicting a honey dipper drooling with bee poop, they don't taste much like honey either.

What they do taste like is Kellogg's Frosted Flakes, i.e. nothing special. Because Crunchy Nut is new and Kellogg's is trying to get people to buy it, you're likely to find it on sale at your local supermarket and you should be able to find some coupons for it as well. So if you have someone at home who likes Frosted Flakes, you might want to give them a try while they're really cheap.

And then, who knows? Maybe stack the promotional sales with the coupons and stock up on enough of them to last you until they make it into the job lot stores when they're discontinued.

Snacky Bones

2011-07-15T05:00:00.000-04:00

One of the reasons Stop & Shop is one of my favorite stores here in Enfield is because of their awesome Pork Policy. There are a lot of folks in town who make their own sausage, and Stop & Shop caters to them, selling hog casings, and pork fat, liver, and skin. And along with this offal, they also sell random pork bone trimmings. Sometimes they're neck and back bones (great for making stock) but sometimes, they're rib trimmings. This might not sound like a big difference, but rib trimmings are excellent for making little pork snackers - and Stop & Shop sells them pretty cheap.

What follows is a basic recipe for Snacky Bones, but it's more of a method and guideline than it is a true recipe. The instructions section will include suggestions and options.

Snacky Bones
Makes 1 batch

Meaty pork bones, rib trimmings suggested, any quantity
Salt, pepper, other seasonings

Put the bones in a shallow roasting pan and season with salt, pepper, and a flavorful seasoning blend of your choice. Bell's makes an excellent Onion & Herb seasoning ostensibly for chicken, but it's awesome on pork as well.

Roast the bones in the oven for about 50 minutes at 350 F.

Remove the roasted bones to a dry skillet on the stovetop. Without adding any oil or fat - there will be enough on the bones to do the job - pan fry them over medium heat to crisp them up.

Just before they're done, I like to splash the ribs with some brandy, bring the brandy to a sizzle, then tip the pan to flame off the alcohol. The brandy gives an extra dimension of flavor to the pork, and the blue-and-yellow fireball is frigging awesome and impresses the hell out of visitors who might be hanging around the kitchen getting underfoot while I'm trying to cook.

To serve: Pile the bones on a plate and put them in the middle of the table. Make sure everyone has plenty of napkins or access to a roll of paper towels (we don't stand on ceremony at my place.) You can serve them straight up, crusty with the herb seasonings you added, or you can dress them with a sauce (your favorite barbecue sauce if you like - or try some Japanese tonkatsu sauce, it's great) or just set out little bowls of sauce for dipping.